


Twenty Five to Life

by Anonymous



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Prison, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Crimes & Criminals, Dark, Deals with dark subjects please be advised, Dissociation, Domestic Violence, Evan "Buck" Buckley Has Bad Parents, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mental Health Issues, Moral Ambiguity, Murder, Mystery, Other, Prison Guard Eddie Diaz, Prisoner Buck, Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Protective Siblings, Racist Attitudes (Depending on how you look at it), Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Time Skips, Trauma, anger issues, at its finest, prison inaccuracies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:14:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 59,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29649111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Murder. First degree.Eddie tries to remind himself of that fact, but all he sees is Buck’s red rimmed eyes and his fear. Painted up behind false brevity. Eighteen years old and sentenced to twenty five to life.
Relationships: Eddie Diaz & Howie "Chimney" Han & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Eddie Diaz & Shannon Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz/Ana Flores (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 182
Kudos: 255
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Eddie

**Author's Note:**

> No prison au?? For Buck and Eddie?? Unacceptable.  
> Be advised of dark content, will be updating tags as fic progresses as well as possibly upping the rating. Fair warning, towards the end there's some graphic blood and injury, if you don't mind spoilers, skip to the end for a more thorough warning!  
> Leave a comment if you have the time, and enjoy!

The first time he meets Evan “Buck” Buckley, he’s part of the first intake of new prisoner’s on a November’s dreary day. Dreary because a fresh batch of snow just began to fall, and instead of sitting inside with mitts and scarves, hot chocolate shared with his son and his girlfriend, he’s stuck here. Covering a shift of a fellow employee that has done him enough favours in the past that he couldn’t turn this one down. It’s cold, those are usually the quieter days but the way Buck smiles is all charm and pure terror underneath. And a bravado that screams something along the lines of dumbassary.

Eddie knows the type, and it no longer annoys him. No longer makes him roll his eyes and say, “Move it along.” His baton banging on the bars in a mocking sort of scaring way. No, instead it just makes him sad and the tiniest bit guilty. Buck’s got a pretty face and an attitude, and that never goes over well here. And he’s white. Not Italian or Irish, just white. No clear gang affiliations, no protection. When Eddie eyes over the rap sheet of them all, he finds Evan Buckley listed as ‘ ** _Murder_**.’ Now that makes his eyebrows raise in surprise. Murder, huh?

He looks to the kid, eyes going over him carefully. He doesn’t look the type. Just turned eighteen, sentenced as an adult despite being seventeen when he killed whoever it was. Eddie hopes it was worth it, because being that young in place a like this… Seventeen when he did it, just eighteen now? That’s another bad sign for the guy.

“Alright everyone, line up. Each of you gets your basic supplies, anything else needs to be paid at the commissary with your own money. Cells have already been assigned, if you’ll follow me.” Eddie says it like a question, but as the bars slam shut behind all these men and himself to an extent, it becomes clear that it’s not really a question. It’s an order. That’s how it works here. Order. Hierarchy. Their own little system of life. Of the world.

He leads the men with his other fellow CO’s into the pit as they call it. The other prisoners are trapped behind bars at the moment, that’s how they do intake. It’s just easier that way, for them. Maybe not for the greens, although most of them have been here before. That same old cycle that never gets old. A sad sorry state that leaves Eddie pitiful towards them, but never mean or angry like some of the other CO’s. He knows just how likely it could have been for him to be the one to draw the short straw, be on the other side of the jail bars.

“Buckley.” He calls, the young man stepping forward. He smiles big and wide, a false face of confidence, but behind it Eddie can see how batshit scared he is. Something twinges within. He’s really just a kid. Eddie looks down to his cellmate’s name and sighs a little to himself. At least he got a good one. Red might seem a little crazy, but he’s okay underneath. “You’re with Red.”

The door buzzes open as Eddie signals it and Buck nods before stepping in, but not without looking back with a wink and a quick, “Thanks, Officer Diaz, but it’s just Buck. Everyone calls me that.”

Eddie tries not make any emotions on the job, an impassive face of nothing. That’s how he gets through this job, and how he stays alive. But the way Buck says it, a shine to his eyes and the fear… it almost makes Eddie do something stupid, like give him a warning, or worse, a smile.

“Eddie.” He corrects.

“No one ever called you Diaz?” Buck says with confused eyebrows.

“Not if they want me to respond.” Eddie says back as he signals for the door to be closed. No one calls him that here, not the prisoners, no one. It reminds him of his military days, and that- He just can’t fuck with that stuff and this, mixing it together, it’s wrong somehow. Messes his head up.

Buck puts his hands through the slot, cuffs on thin wrists that Eddie quickly unlocks, Buck rubbing them afterward as Eddie walks away with the others, but he says nothing more. Not to him at least. Instead Red invites him into conversation, and Eddie finds himself sending up a prayer for someone to look out for the kid, never thinking for one second that someone might just be him. “Diego, you’re with Remez.”

~

At the end of the day Eddie heads to the locker room, finding Chimney changing for the night shift. He’s been working extra shifts to save up for an engagement ring for his girlfriend, Marianne, Eddie’s sure her name is. Maybe Suzie. He knows that he should remember, but they’ve only been going out for less than a year and she still thinks he can cook. Eddie shakes his head at that thought.

“Hey, man. How was it? New arrivals, right?” Chimney says with a tired grin. “Any more Latinos and I’m thinking a riot will break out soon.”

“Here’s hoping.” Eddie says with a sarcastic glare and grin that has Chimney smiling back larger than before.

“Meeting up with Ana then?”

“No, she’s with her mom for the weekend. Me and Christopher are ordering in pizza. It’s too bad you’re working otherwise I’d invite you and Hen.”

Chimney frowns as he fixes his shirt on, Eddie taking his own off. “Sorry, Eddie. You know I miss that kid and how much he beats me at Ultimate Fighter, but it’s these extra shifts, besides Hen and Karen are having a date night tonight. They got a babysitter for Denny finally. You’ll never guess who.”

“Athena.” Eddie says without missing a beat.

Chimney narrows his eyes over their locker doors. “How’d you know?”

Eddie shrugs. “Lucky guess?”

“Wait, is Bobby feeding you still? You should really learn how to cook, Christopher must be starving. Poor guy.”

Eddie slaps him with his shirt, leaving Chimney moving away with a quick, “Watch it.”

“You’re one to talk.” Eddie says immediately, finger pointed his way. “You need to tell her that you can’t cook. No good marriages start with lies.”

“Isn’t that how yours ended.” Chimney says, then freezes wide eyed as he looks to Eddie with apology written all over. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

“It’s fine.” Eddie shakes it off and hurries to get ready. “Um, wait, Chim, before I go…”

He turns back, Chimney looking up expectantly. “Yeah? What is it?”

“A kid just got in. Sentenced as an adult at seventeen. He’s eighteen now at least, but uh, can you keep an eye on him? Buckley.”

Chimney nods, a slight grimace to his features. “Sure, no problem…. He white?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck.”

“I know.” Eddie tries to smile but it falls flat on them both. “You’ll try though right?”

Chimney smiles sadly. “You know I will. This is no place for a kid.”

Eddie couldn’t agree more as he truly leaves, a quiet whisper from Chimney mostly to himself of, “The Aryans will have him in no time.” Eddie can’t help but hear it, even though it makes gooseflesh dance across his skin, and a coldness take hold of his spine and bones. His eyes slipping shut as the terrible reality of their world, in here, sets in.

As he leaves down the stairs into the snowy darkness of a new night, Eddie reaches for his phone and dials a familiar number. “ _Hello?”_ Ana answers kindly, sweetly. Eddie can almost smell her cinnamon hands, vanilla hair full of sugar. Laughter lines and beautiful smile. Her warmth of an embrace, comforting and safe.

“Hey, it’s me. Look I uh, I know that you’re with your mom, but uh…” He’s trying to do better, to talk more, but it’s still hard. To say what he feels. He’d rather not on the best of days, but this is what a relationship takes, and he can’t get the face of Evan Buckley out of his mind’s eye. Terrified behind a false bravado of courage. It’s the most devastating thing he’s seen in a long time. He wants to stop seeing it.

Ana laughs sweetly. “ _Miss me already, huh? It’s pizza night though. My sisters are here, I think I could maybe sneak out.”_

“God, do I ever love you.” Relief pours in as the snow melts across the warmth of his lips.

“ _You better mister._ ” Is her immediate reply. “ _I’ll see you in twenty.”_

She hangs up and Eddie breathes a little easier. Home waiting for him with his son’s smile and warm hugs, Ana’s kindness filling the room. Although they’ve had trouble getting along at the start of this, it seems to be going better. After ten months together, Eddie couldn’t be more happy.

But after he gets home, and the pizza is put away, his son gone to bed, and Ana passed out in deep sleep in his arms, Eddie stays painfully awake. Eyes on the ceiling and thoughts only of Evan. Of _Buck._

He thinks of him alone in a cell, eighteen years old and probably losing his mind.

~

In the morning he gains a few precious hours of sleep, barely enough to function but with enough coffee he supposes it will do. Ana kisses him gently and takes a stubborn Christopher to school. Not before Eddie hugs him close and says into his ear, “You promised you’d try to get along with her, remember?”

Christopher smiles and nods. “I’ll try dad.”

“That’s all I ask for, buddy. Have fun and I love you.”

“Love you, too.” And then he’s off and Ana is waving, blowing a kiss his way that he can’t help but blush at. He has to be in work in couple of hours, enough time to sleep a little longer, but when he lays back down, eyes ready to drift close he finds himself coming face to face with one of his favourite books sitting on his nightstand. A book about a couple of nomads under the rule of Catherine the Great in the Russian Empire. Wild dogs and death at every turn, traitors and the cold. Eddie was reading it the past few weeks again. It helps him to get away from it all at the prison, to unwind and sleep. Maybe it could do that for Buck. Help him.

If he has people on the outside sending in money, parents Eddie assumes. Family. It won’t come through for a few more weeks. Books even less so. The library’s got some, but that’s kind of a joke.

He can’t let anyone see him give the book to Buck that would end in even more disaster and it’s a risk really, but Eddie can’t find it within himself to turn away from the idea. And before he knows it he’s grabbed the book and stuffed it into his bag. Hand rubbing over his face as he gets up in search of a cup of coffee.

When he gets to the prison he stuffs the book in his shirt and makes his way to Buck’s cell. Red sits on top, his own contraband in hand. A crossword puzzle and reading glasses, a pencil scribbling something in. He looks up to Eddie who glances from him to the bottom bunk where Buck predictably is curled up, face pushed into the wall, away from the world. This world that he’s now trapped in.

“Everything okay, Eddie?” Red asks, eyebrows raised. He’s older, in his sixties after his third parole strike. He might not look it, but the guy knows how to con.

“Give us five, Red.” Eddie says, and where there might be hints of a questioning tone, it’s darkened out by the uniform he wears, by Red’s own opposite one.

Red nods and slowly hops off the bunk, hand to his back a little as he leaves the cell to join presumably the others in his group down below. The older fellas, the ones no one bothers unless they really do something ‘offensive.’ Old people aren’t very useful, for fucking or for buying smack, or for anything else really. Buck on the other hand is good for both. For it all. It makes something spasm in Eddie’s heart as he lowers his eyes in some kind of shame, only the barest hints of Buck’s blonde hair peaks out he notices as he does so.

Eddie walks in closer, removing the book and placing it behind Buck on his mattress. “This might help pass the time.” He starts, and when he gets no response, Eddie continues, although it doesn’t escape his attention the way Buck tenses up. Eddie wonders if they already got to him. “It’s a book. One of my favourites.” Eddie smiles to himself a little. “It’s about war and Russia before communism. Way before. Where there were monarchs and something called honour.”

He hears a muffled sort of scoff and that makes Eddie smile just a little because at least that’s something. “You’re young. You’ll adjust.” Eddie tells him, but it falls flat even to his own ears.

“My life is over.” Buck mumbles. “And I don’t like to read.”

With that he turns, eyes red and puffy, and it hurts to look at really but Eddie looks all the same. He tries to smile, for Buck’s sake, as he says, “You’ll learn to… In a place like this.” He steps back and reaches into his pocket, a granola bar that he was going to eat later is quickly tossed onto Buck’s bed, and then he leaves. He feels better somehow, or maybe that’s just what he hopes to feel. In reality, as Eddie walks away, he feels his heart tear up a little more, because the look in Buck’s eyes as he set those items down… It was something like confusion and a tender surprise. As though no one has ever cared enough to take an interest. To be kind. In a very long while.

 ** _Murder. First degree._** He tries to remind himself of that fact, but all he sees is Buck’s red rimmed eyes and his fear. Painted up behind false brevity. Eighteen years old and sentenced to twenty five to life.

~

“So, how’s medical school going for you?” Eddie asks as he sits down, a cup of coffee in hand. They’re in the break room, him, Chimney, and Hen. A rare time where all their breaks match. It’s one of their owns birthday today and someone brought in donuts. Eddie’s just glad there was enough for him to snatch one. The plain kind with lots of glaze, his favourite.

“It’s a pain in the ass to tell you the truth, but amazing. I got to open up a dead guy the other day.” Hen says with a smile and a laugh at Chimney’s disgusted look. He’s got his own donut in hand but at the mention of dead bodies he quickly puts it down. Hands shaking off the sugar of his jelly filled before he’s taking a long sip of coffee.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving us. Me.” Chimney tells her, emphasising on the, ‘me’ part of it all. Eddie smiles a little, not being able to blame him for being upset. Chimney and Hen started up together here almost ten years ago. They’ve been there for each other, relied on the other. They’re all there for each other, but they’ve been through much together.

“Aw. You know I’ll come and visit.” Hen puts a hand over Chimney’s, patting gently before going back to her own vanilla iced donut. “Besides, I like it better. And this job was always only supposed to be temporary.”

“Was it?” Eddie asks, genuinely curious. He himself only got it because they were who was hiring and they have great health insurance, for their families too. Health insurance that Christopher needs. Just coming out of the army with no real school experience was tough. There’s only a few jobs a guy like him can get, serious ones anyway. Ones with enough to pay the bills he needs to pay, a single dad and all, and there was no way he was going to ask his parents for money. Not after the way they were, trying to take his son away from him. They still don’t talk much.

“Yes, but I mean, I also felt like we could help people.” Hen says than scoffs and laughs. Chimney smiling a little too, but it’s all bitter as Eddie feels something crumble in his own chest. The image of Buck’s fear and young face so strong in his mind. “I know, naïve of me, but I was young when I joined here. Bobby left though, he’s happy.”

“Yeah, well, he only worked here because the fire department wouldn’t give him another chance until… Well you know.” Chimney explains. “A firefighter doesn’t sound so bad now that I think of it, but Marie is really clicking with me. I think I’m going to ask her next week.”

 _Marie,_ thinks Eddie, _that’s her name._

“Bobby was great here.” Hen says as she stands up, donut gone and coffee almost drunk. They’re break ends in a minute. “But he’s happier out there helping people.”

“Yeah, but it would be nice if we could actually help people in here, wouldn’t it be?”

“Chimney, everyone who’s here got here for a reason. We can’t help these people.” Hen says sternly before leaving the room completely, Chimney right behind her. Eddie thinks of Buck, and there’s a reason he’s here sure, but does he deserve to be here? How can seventeen year old commit first degree murder? Bravado aside, he’s just as lost as anyone else. Eddie wants to get mad at Hen for having a narrow view of it all, he’s always felt different, but Hen’s father died by a robbery gone wrong. The man who did it spent the last of his fifteen years here before getting stabbed in the riot back in ’09. The way she sees it, justice never fails. Eddie’s not so sure.

And helping people? It is sort of funny, in a place like this, but something in Eddie twinges, makes his conscience bleed. Blue eyes and sorrow. Eighteen years old and he thinks that his life is over.

“Hey! You coming, Eddie? We’re going to get reamed out by the warden at this rate.”

“Coming, Chim.”

~

Hen’s words make him think, nothing overt. Nothing about changing the whole prison system or even the world, because that’s impossible. They’re one in the same here. No, instead he thinks of Buck stuck in a cell with no one here to call a friend. Danger at every corner. Unprotected, young, and prime rib. It’s fucked up, Eddie knows, but that’s how it works here. Someone’s got to claim him.

“Finish that book already?” Eddie asks as he sticks his head into Buck and Red’s cell. Red’s gone down below in the pit, probably playing cards with the other older fellas. Buck sits curled up in his cell, the book nowhere in sight. He doesn’t face the wall, instead he stares at the one opposite, eyes lost and almost catatonic. _Fuck._

Eddie walks in a little. “I could get you a new one?” He tries, but Buck doesn’t move or acknowledge him. “Buck?”

“Go away.” He whispers with strained breath, eyes shifting shut, and throat sounding like he gargled a hundred nails. “All you CO fucks just come here to make sure we don’t flee. Who cares who gets plucked?”

“So you read the book?” Despite the harshness of Buck’s words and the truth to them, Eddie smiles slightly.

Buck finally looks to him, a little bit of surprise lighting up his eyes. Eddie tries to smile for his sake. “Friends are hard to find here, if you want my advice-”

“I really don’t.” Buck snaps, eyes turning back to the wall.

Eddie reaches into his pocket and pulls out the apple he snuck in, tossing it onto Buck’s bed with a soft _thump._ Buck stares at the offended piece of fruit. “Friends are hard to find here but necessary. Wherever they come from.” Eddie goes to leave, but he stops himself and turns back to Buck, stating the obvious with, “Just don’t tell anyone I’ve been nice to you.”

“What do I look like?” Buck says back, eyes deadpanning on him. An honest reaction, one with some kind of life in it. It’s nice to see.

Eddie smiles. “A kid.” He states simply.

“I’m eighteen.” Buck sits up then, reaching for the apple and biting into it quickly. He must have been hungry.

“Barely.”

“I’m eighteen and six months.” Buck says back through a mouthful of apple.

“Can’t drink.”

“Still can kill someone.” Buck mumbles, and it sounds sorry. As soon as he says it though and he looks up, body frozen as Eddie’s is startled with a bucket of cold water. **_Murder._** Buck looks wide eyed, pausing in his chewing as though Buck’s waiting for him to hit him or say something more. But Eddie doesn’t. 

Instead he shrugs and says, “I’ll bring you something about the Civil War next.”

With that he leaves, his own thoughts drifting to the lives taken under his own fingertips, only those were state sanctioned.

~

Eddie brings Buck a book on the Civil War, about a traitor turning from the Loyalists to the Patriots. How this country became great because of one man’s actions. Free. It’s only after he places it in Buck’s hands that he thinks maybe that wasn’t the best option of a book, but Buck is grinning at him. A little more alive. “I met this guy, Roger, he’s been looking out for me.”

Eddie nods. “Just be careful, Buck.”

“I will. Thanks, Eddie.”

It’s an orange he hands over this time as he searches for this mysterious Roger. It doesn’t surprise him when he finds out it’s one of the skinhead crowd. Just an acquaintance though, in truth he’s a biker, but those two groups ally up if you will, so Eddie keeps an eye out but this could be good for Buck, and he can’t make choices for him. Just warnings and books, apparently. Maybe Hen was right. Maybe they really can’t help anyone here.

“Is there a reason you’re being nice to me?” Buck asks one day.

“Is there a reason I shouldn’t?” Eddie quips back. In truth, he’s not sure why he is. The question takes him off his guard a little because he really doesn’t know how to answer it. But he supposes in a way the answer is simple. Buck’s too young to be here and he just wants to look out for him. But then there’s also the fact that his eyes are always on him, and when he was at the bookstore last week with Christopher all he could of was which book Buck would like to read next.

When he’s with Ana, he’s distracted. She’s been getting annoyed lately but he’s thinking about Buck. About being seventeen and killing someone. Did he? He must have. Eddie knows that he could search it up, a little googling and the answer would be right in front of his eyes, but something about it just screams an invasion of privacy even though that’s his job, it still feels wrong somehow.

“Where are you, babe?” She asks as they sit on his couch, feet up on the coffee table, Christopher already asleep in his room. Her fingers dance in his hair and he looks to her with a smile. “Nowhere, sorry, it’s just work.”

She raises her eyebrow as if to say, ‘go on.’

Eddie sighs a little and turns to her more. “It’s this new inmate. He’s eighteen. Just a kid and he has everything stacked against him. I feel… I don’t know like I should help him… Like I was meant to or something. Is that weird?”

Ana smiles lovingly as she shakes her hand, a hand on his cheek. “Not at all. It just means that you’re too good for this world, Eddie.”

Eddie’s cheeks redden as he chuckles. That’s pretty much the furthest thing from what he is.

“But hey, you know, you can’t help everyone. He’s probably there for a reason.”

Eddie chuckles a little.

“What?” She asks.

“You’re the second person to say something like that to me lately. But, I can’t stop thinking about it, I just...” _I’m worried about him._

“Well I think we can fix that.” She says with a soft and warm smile, leaning in and capturing his lips gently at first, turning it more heated as fingers tighten in his hair the way he likes.

He pulls away just long enough to ask, “Yeah?” Thoughts of Buck disappearing, scattering like the wind as he becomes surrounded by something sweeter.

“Yeah.” She whispers and then brings him to herself and he gets lost in it. So much so that he barely hears his phone ring.

“Shit, sorry.” Eddie tells Ana apologetically as he reaches for his phone. She hides her disappointment as best as she can be Eddie sees it and he knows that she knows he did. “Sorry.” He says again, leaning in to kiss her but she is already getting up, disappearing into the kitchen.

“I need another glass.”

Eddie watches her go, stomach flipping in guilt but its work so he has to answer it. “Yeah?”

“ _Hey Eddie, it’s Rick. My mom’s not doing so good, can you cover me tonight?_ ”

Eddie sighs a little, eyes closing as he leans forward, hand resting on his forehead. Rick’s mom has been pretty sick lately, cancer, and she’s been in the hospital. The doctors aren’t very optimistic. Eddie’s been covering a lot of his shifts lately as has Chimney, because they both need the money, and because Rick covered for him when Christopher needed his second surgery. It was a long recovery process.

“ _It’s okay if you can’t, I could just_ - _”_

“No, no, I’ll be right in.”

A breath of relief. “ _Thanks man, I owe you._ ”

“I’m pretty sure it’s the other way around. Don’t worry about it.” He hangs up and finds Ana standing there with a grim look on her face. “I’m sorry, I have to go. Can you stay and-”

She tries to smile for his sake it seems as she nods. “Yeah, yeah it’s okay. Go.”

Eddie’s stomach twists as he kisses her on the cheek. “I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She tries to sound cheery but Eddie can hear the strain in her voice.

“I’ll make it up to you.” He promises as he gathers his things, but it sounds hollow. Distant. There’s a tether here that if he’s not careful, will snap. And he doesn’t want it to. Ana’s the best thing that’s happened to him since getting his son back. He doesn’t want to lose her, lose this. “I will.”

~

It’s snowing again when he gets in and that makes him give pause. The last time it snowed they got an eighteen year old whose fodder for the herd, and come to think of it the last time it snowed before that a prisoner got stabbed. Eddie sighs, sending up a prayer that tonight nothing happens, and it shouldn’t. All the inmates will be in their rooms until the morning. Nice and snug. Buck’s with Red, and Red wouldn’t hurt a fly. Or well, he would, but he doesn’t hurt anyone who doesn’t have it coming. Buck is the furthest thing from that.

“Covering for Rick again?” Chimney asks as soon as he gets in.

“Yeah, mom’s not doing great.” Eddie replies as they looks over the security cameras. Everything is partially dark and quiet, the way they like. His eyes naturally shift to Buck’s cell and he finds two figure sleeping soundly inside, as far as he can tell anyway.

“I already signed up for this shift, although I’d like nothing more than to go home and eat a tub of ice cream.” Chimney says miserably as he sits down in his chair and crosses his arms over his chest.

“What happened?” Eddie asks with a bit of his own sigh as he mirrors Chimney’s crossed arms, leaning back against the desk.

“She dumped me, Eddie! What the hell! When I proposed and everything.”

“You didn’t.” Eddie shakes his head.

“Yeah, and she blew me off.”

“She wasn’t right for you, man, and she didn’t really know you. You lied about cooking, remember?”

“And you tell Ana everything?” Chimney counters with.

“I try to.” Eddie says but it’s a bit of a lie. Because he told her about Buck, but he never told her…

“Oh, fuck!” Chimney yells as he stands and runs over, hitting the intercom button as a crazed Red screams through on the screen through the bars, “HELP! HELP!”

They go running, the pair of them all the way to Buck’s cell, the other few guards opening the doors as fast as possible until Eddie is in the small cell, eyes looking to a pale and shaking Buck, filled with blood that pours nonstop from arms slashed almost to the bone. “Fuck. Fuck.” Chimney whispers from beside him, but it takes Eddie only a moment before his army medic training kicks in.

“Grab me that towel.” He orders, and Red as sturdy as a rock does so. “The other. CHIMNEY! Get over here! SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!” He’s going to need surgery, Eddie can already see it. Something they can’t do here in the infirmary.

He wraps the towel around and tightens it with a hard knot, pressing Chimney’s hands on top with as much pressure as he can. He goes to the other and tightens another towel down firmly. Eyes moving towards Buck’s, half open and face pale, shaking a little under some sort of shock. But he’s still awake, his eyes follow Eddie’s, and Eddie has never been more scared. Or sorry. His heart feels like it’s breaking. And embarrassingly, something like tears echo along.

Without thinking he pushes one bloody hand through Buck’s hair and says, “Stay with me. Stay with me, Buck.”

_We can’t help these people. You can’t help everyone._

Yeah? Well, fuck that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: What looks like a suicide attempt takes place, there's a good amount of graphic blood and injury.


	2. Eddie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your lovely comments! :)

“You with me, Buck?” Eddie asks as he puts aside the magazine he’s pretending to read, his whole attention shifting to the man in question. There’s not much else to do here, and the night drags on so he picked up a magazine, but his eyes only every really stayed on Buck. Shifting to his young pale features every few seconds, praying for him to wake up soon, hoping that he doesn’t. His arms are bandaged pretty good, stitched up along with a few tendons. He almost lost too much blood, and might even lose some feeling. Apparently a few nerves were nicked too. It was a thorough job.

It bugs Eddie though, the way both arms were damaged just the same and so severely. It tells him Buck really wanted to die, and for some reason that makes Eddie want to.

“Buck?” He tries again, but Buck isn’t fully awake, heavily sedated and on some serious pain meds, but he’s only moving around a little. His eyes never flutter open, he never makes it to full consciousness. He falls back under just as soon as he attempts to come up. His handcuffs jingling a little, and Eddie feels something like guilt for that too, but it’s protocol. Cuffs no matter what, even if there’s no way Buck could really make it how of here. No windows, Chimney on the door. Another CO at the end of the hall, he’s stuck. And that’s not including the debilitating injuries that would make any escape attempt futile.

As soon as Buck settles, Eddie does. He leans back into his chair and sighs a little just as the door opens loudly, too loudly. He turns to Chimney with a glare and puts a finger up to his lips. “You’ll wake him up.” He half whispers, a little angry but not really at Chimney just at the situation.

Chimney smiles slightly. “Sorry, but I just thought you should know. We got a hold of his next of kin. She’ll be here in twenty.”

Eddie stills at that, sitting up a bit straighter. “Next of kin, huh? Who’s that? His mom?”

Chimney shakes his head. “Sister. Madeline Buckley, although she prefers Maddie. She has a nice voice, sort of kind and warm…” Chimney trails off, eyes up in the clouds, making Eddie roll his own as he stands up, putting the magazine off to the side.

“Can you sit with him? I’ll wait outside for her. I want to talk to her first.” Eddie asks. Chimney’s technically his superior, but they’re more on the same level, it’s a fine line, but in their world hierarchy means everything. It’s how it all works, one false move and it all comes crumbling down.

“Yeah, sure.” Chimney agrees easily as he takes Eddie’s previous seat, eyes drifting to the closed ones of their prisoners’. “You ever wonder… You know, ‘what if that was me?’”

Eddie knows exactly what he’s talking about. He has nightmares about it sometimes, in his darkest moments where he remembers the sand and the sea. “All the time, Chimney.” He tells him as he walks out of the room. “All the time.”

Buck doesn’t stir, and Eddie is grateful. He deserves to sleep as long as he can. Eddie shuts the door and takes his spot outside where Chimney was sitting. A plastic chair pulled up and a newspaper nearby. It can’t be any worse than a magazine from two years ago filled with fake celebrities, so Eddie picks it up and reads about some war and finds that, yeah, it can be. He doesn’t want to really read it anyway he doesn’t like the news for one and for two, all his thoughts are on this Madeline Buckley, Maddie. Buck’s sister. Must be older if she’s his next of kin. But there’s so many more questions. He doesn’t even know where to begin. More than anything, he wonders about their parents, where Buck’s are in all of this. How they let their seventeen year old end up behind bars for first degree murder. Why they aren’t here.

It’s harsh, he knows. He can’t always be there twenty four seven for Christopher, but a kid doesn’t just one day do something like this. It just doesn’t make sense. Buck seems so young and almost innocent. Lost in a way most kids are supposed to be and yet not at all. But he’s not really a kid is he? At least not anymore.

“Buck! Buck!” A woman yells, soft dark brown hair curling around her shoulders as she runs down the hall towards the door of Buck’s room. Eddie stands immediately, moving in front as he’s trained to do, preventing her from bursting in. He finds though as he touches her gently, her flinching just a little, that it’s not just because it’s his protocol this time, but also because he doesn’t want her to wake him up. Even in sleep, Buck looked exhausted.

“He’s fine. He’s sleeping.” Eddie explains as the woman stops herself and sighs, a look of such pain crossing her features that it makes Eddie’s heart break a little more. These Buckley’s don’t get a break do they?

Her big brown eyes meet his as she says through tears, “He’s going to be fine, right? Where’s the doctor? They said he had to have surgery.”

“He did, but he’s doing well now. He’s fine.” Eddie says sternly as she tries to enter again. She looks exhausted herself, hair a little messy, makeup a little off, and tears threatening to explode into a handful of sobs. “Really, they got him all patched up. If you go in there like this, you’ll wake him up for sure and he deserves the rest.”

She looks angry, upset, but eventually she nods knowing that he’s right. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine… Maddie, right?”

“Yeah.” Maddie eyes him warily. “I’m his sister, his next of kin. I want to see him. You need my ID right? He- He- fuck, did he really try to… To kill himself? Are you sure? Because Buck, he- Evan he’s a sort of daredevil, he’s always doing crazy things. He might not have meant it.”

Eddie thinks to the blood, to the clutched sharpened down toothbrush coated in it, half rolled out of Buck’s hands. Bone and tendon, muscle and nerve. His hands and Chimney’s holding his flesh together, torn apart by his own hand. It would have hurt. It would have been the worst kind of pain and he didn’t stop. Those wounds… There was no hesitation.

Eddie doesn’t cry easily but he feels like he’s about to, right along with Maddie as he nods. “Y- Yeah, we’re sure. I found him, actually. I’ve been trying to look out for him but…”

Maddie sucks in a large breath, hand to her lips as the sobs finally come, and then Eddie is guiding her into a chair that she sinks into heavily. The weight of the world crushing her down as she sobs into her hands, tears and snot and everything unpretty when it comes to true grief. “This is all my fault. **_Fuck._** ” She hits her leg hard and tries to wipe the tears away with her jacket sleeve. “Evan doesn’t need to see me like this. He’s not in any pain is he?”

“No.” He tells her, and it’s a promise. He hesitates with his next words for a long moment, debating if he should really ask or not, but he feels like he has to at this point. Feels it in the depths of his soul where the guilt lays its foundations. As he remembers some of Buck’s words. ‘ _my life is over._ ’ Eddie didn’t think he meant… This. But how the hell was he to know? How were any of them? Fuck, most of them come in for the paycheck. No one really cares. In the way that counts, so why is he stuck here like this, caring for this dumb kid who got himself convicted of murder?

“What do you mean, it’s all your fault? I mean, if you don’t mind me asking that is, if I’m not overstepping.” Eddie says carefully, not wanting to upset Maddie further, but unable not to ask the question. The urge to google and find out the truth is strong tonight, but he’s refrained. He and everyone else has already taken so much of Buck’s privacy, his life, and dignity, Eddie doesn’t want to take anymore. And this doesn’t count, at least not really, or at least that’s what he tells himself.

Maddie smiles bitterly. “What? You haven’t heard the juicy story of the star quarterback picking up a- a kitchen knife.” Maddie wipes some more tears away, clearly angry and upset.

“No.” Eddie tells her honestly, and that makes her look up. “I mean, something about it sounds familiar, but I don’t really listen to the news.” After his time overseas, hearing the news just depresses the hell out of him, and more personally brings back memories and anger and a load of other shit he’d rather not think about. Go through again. He’s not a good dad when he does. And being a good dad is all he has right now. Anymore. He’d like to add boyfriend to that, partner, or whatever, but if he asked Ana that question lately, she’d laugh in his face.

Maddie nods, tears stopped for now as a strength comes into play that gives Eddie pause. “My brother is braver than me. He saved my life, and this is what he gets. Twenty five to life? What kind of justice is that?” And then the tears come again, slower this time as Chimney sticks his head out.

“Hey, sorry, it’s just, uh, Buck’s woken up.” Chimney tells them gently which only makes a fresh wave of tears fall from Maddie’s eyes.

Eddie looks to her, then back to Chimney as he tells them, “I’ll sit with him, just come in when you’re ready.”

Eddie nods his head to Chimney, the nods to Maddie in clear indication for him to stay with her, thankfully he gets the message and does just that. Eyes a little more alive as he does. Eddie has a strange feeling about that, but all his focus is on Buck now, Buck who looks up tiredly to himself. Blue eyes blinking slowly, face groggy and tired. Still a little under sedation it seems. Eddie smiles all the same, because he’s no longer half opening them in terrible shock, face pale as he continues to lose more blood, instead he’s more or less alive and okay. The relief that outpours because of that is tremendous.

“You’re awake.” Eddie states the obvious as he sits back down on the chair by Buck’s bed. “It’s about time. I was going to start smelling salts next.”

Buck smiles a little at that and Eddie takes the win as he reaches for the water and helps him to take careful sips with a straw. “I guess that I should get the doctor.”

“Then w- why don’t you?” Buck asks, voice croaky and face confused. Swimming in sedation it seems.

Eddie wishes that he could give an easy answer, but he has none. He just keeps looking at Buck’s life filled features and appreciates every breath he takes. “You’re sister’s here.” He says instead.

Buck looks sadder now. “You sh- shouldn’t have called her.”

“She’s your next of kin, we had to.”

“It’s hard, for her to see me like this.”

“It’s always hard on family members.” Eddie tells him sincerely.

Buck only shakes his head stubbornly and says, “You don’t- don’t understand.”

Eddie leans a little closer and finds Buck’s eyes. “Then why don’t you tell me?” He asks, and it’s a question. He may be wearing a uniform but Buck isn’t and he hasn’t seemed to notice the cuffs, so really, it’s just two friends chatting. No orders here. At least for the moment.

Is that what they are now? Friends? Maybe.

Maybe Buck senses some of that, because he smiles all soft and dewy, but that doesn’t last long before it’s back to sadness. Sadness of a different kind, never ending and always there, always present. With every breath he takes. “I killed her husband. She thinks it was her fault, because- because I only did it to stop him. He was killing her, Eddie. I had no choice.” Buck’s voice breaks and so does Eddie. Piece by heartbreaking piece. Tears start to form in Buck’s eyes and without thought Eddie reaches over and wipes them away, his hand coming back down to touch Buck’s. Squeezing gently, but encouragingly.

“Tell me what happened, Buck.” He asks and pleads all at once.

And Buck, Buck tells him.

He tells him everything.

Eddie feels a little guilty at first for making Buck talk about this right now. He needs rest and there’s a lot of drugs in his system making it hard to make reasonable choices, but he needs to know. And in a weird way, Eddie feels like maybe this is what Buck needs too. To talk about it, to say something. He’s not the silent type that’s for sure, and his visitation hasn’t cut in yet. Not until the six month mark, so his sister hasn’t been able to see him or anyone else. If he has anyone else. Sure he can call people but that’s not the same.

“Maddie left when I was younger. She went away to nursing school with her boyfriend, Doug. They got a nice little place as he went through medical school. She worked nights and he… He didn’t work at all.” Explains Buck. “I- I didn’t see that as one of those signs Eddie, but she wouldn’t call. Less and less she’d call me and she wouldn’t respond to my letters, so I went to her place one day. I was worried, and lonely. And- And I missed her, Eddie. She’s my sister. That’s not selfish right?”

The way Buck says it makes Eddie think that she’s more than that, that she’s not like his own relationships with his own sisters. The ones that bug and call and every now and again, but instead for Buck, a sister who was like a best friend. A mother even. Always there. Loving him more than anyone else.

Eddie shakes his head. “No, it’s not selfish. What happened?”

Buck looks almost ashamed as a few tears slip by and Eddie is quick to wipe them away, hand holding on to Buck’s who holds back tightly for strength. For courage. “When I- I got there, the door was open and it was weird… Then I got to the kitchen and she was bleeding, Eddie, all over. There were bruises and Doug was over her. I- I didn’t realize until I got around to see what they were doing… And- and he was choking the life out of her Eddie! He was killing her! I tried to get him off, but- but he was so strong, and there was a knife. And I- It just happened.”

With that Buck breaks into a terrible sob that has Eddie’s heart breaking apart as he scoops him up as best as he can with all the wires and tubes, and injury. Holds him close and pets down his hair. “Shh.” He tells him, but he doesn’t dare lie and say that everything is going to be okay, because it’s not.

“Why did you get first degree then, Buck?” He has to ask, because this doesn’t make sense. At the very least it would have been second degree. Manslaughter even. Assault at best.

“Doug’s mom is a lawyer and his dad was senator, they had a lot of friends.” Buck continues as the tears die down. “An- And Maddie’s money from Doug, you know for a good lawyer, that she was supposed to get got tied up. We- we think it’s because of them but we don- don’t know.”

“What about your parents?” Eddie tries, a gut wrenching clawing beginning to take form. He practically feels sick. “Didn’t Maddie testify?”

“They got it struck out be- because of some inconsistency. And my lawyer, he was good, but he was a public defender. It was his first trial.”

“So the jury never even heard what she had to say?”

“No. A- And the evidence of the abuse, the prosecutor got it thrown out.”

“Fuck.” Eddie whispers, hair blowing softly across Buck’s neck.

He looks to the young man in his arms, all of eighteen and feels horrified. How could this happen? He was just trying to protect his sister, and he was a kid! Maybe he didn’t do everything right, but he wasn’t an adult in that situation, and there were extenuating circumstances. ‘ _Doug’s mom is a lawyer and his dad was a senator, they had a lot of friends.’_

“Buck, you tried to kill yourself. Do you remember that?” Eddie asks. “I know it’s a fucked up situation, but you can’t just give up like that. Your sister’s a mess.” _And so am I. What the fuck are they going to do? And since when did it become ‘we’?_

Buck looks down guilty at that. “What was I supposed to do Eddie? I had no choice. And it just, it felt easier than…”

“Than what, Buck?”

Buck continues to look guilty, eyes lost in something that he’s not saying. “I can help you Buck, but you gotta talk to me.”

“Okay, look, it’s these guys right? They said they’d protect me if I gave them a lot of money but- but Maddie just got that money and she needs a fresh start. They said, they said what they’d do to me…. This just seemed easier.”

“Easier? Buck you cut into your tendons, into nerve. You’re going to need PT in order to hold a pen again.”

Buck swallows deeply and looks up with stark honesty in those blue eyes as he says, “I didn’t think I’d wake up again and need to worry about that.”

Eddie’s eyes slip shut as he tries to breathe. He opens them again and sees the hesitancy in Buck’s eyes. “Please don’t tell, Maddie. She’ll blame herself again.”

“Listen to me, she can help. We’ll help you. We’ll figure this out, Buck.”

Buck smiles wryly. “That’s what the lawyer said too.”

Eddie doesn’t know what to say to that, so he says nothing.

“I’m tired. Can I go to sleep now?” Buck asks, face scrunched up a little in some pain.

Eddie jumps into action, quickly helping him to settle back in his bed. Eddie watches as he pushes his face into a pillow and drifts off. Without much thought he reaches for the morphine and ups it a little for him. Despite the painfulness in his arms, this is probably the best sleep he’s ever going to have for the next twenty five years.

Before he goes and gets Maddie though, he takes a moment to look at the peacefulness of Buck’s features and all the shit he’s been through, and will be through. It’s just not fair. None of this is. And just like that, Eddie finds that he’s going to do whatever it takes to make this right. All his life he’s never really cared before, aside from his son, the military was duty this job was a means to an end. All that mattered was his son growing up well. Now, now Eddie finds the life returning to him because of this dumbass kid who got fucked, royally. Who wormed his way in somehow. If he asked Adriana, she’d say that they knew each other in a past life, or another life. He doesn’t believe in all that, but he can’t deny the way Buck pulls him in.

~

“Is he awake?” Maddie asks as she walks forward, a little more put together.

Eddie nods. “Yeah, but he fell back asleep. But before you go in there, we need to talk.”

She raises an eyebrow. “About what?”

Chimney stands up from beside her, head tilted as he crosses his arms. “What’s going on Eddie?”

“Buck needs money, he needs protection in there but he doesn’t want to take what you have left away from you. He thought killing himself would be easier.” Does Eddie feel guilty for spilling the beans when Buck asked him not to? Yes. But does he regret it? No, not if it keeps Buck safe in the end. Keeps him from doing boneheaded shit like this. Keeps him alive and breathing until he can find Buck a proper lawyer.

Maddie lets out a breath that’s almost like a laugh. “That idiot. He knows that I don’t want Doug’s money. Those scumbags in there that forced him into this, they don’t deserve it either, but of course I don’t care if it keeps him safe. What does he take me for?” Maddie shakes her head, a small smile on her lips that’s almost uncanny. “He doesn’t really want to die. I knew he wouldn’t.”

She sounds so sure, but Eddie isn’t. It’s only been a month in there for Buck and he’s already reduced to this. A serious suicide attempt, as serious as it gets. And the way he was talking, about having no life now, no hope in a sense, but she is a bit right. He did say it was because he thought it would be easier. But Eddie knows enough to know that he was also probably thinking about the next twenty five years, maybe longer, and how it would be better to just…

“I’ll talk to him when he wakes up.” Maddie promises with a nod, eyes wary over Eddie’s then Chimney’s. “Do you guys think he’ll be okay once the money goes through? I know it’s not- not an easy place.”

That’s the understatement of the year.

“Yeah, yeah of course he will be.” Chimney says with a smile that’s a little more than friendly. Maddie nods to Eddie and gives Chimney a little more than a friendly smile too, and then slips into Buck’s room, leaving Eddie wondering what exactly happened out here while he was talking to Buck.

“When’s the wedding?” He decides to say instead of asking.

Chimney glares. “Shut up.”

Eddie laughs and so does Chimney, and the darkness of this place and the situation, lifts, just a little, not a lot, but it does. Now if only he could make Buck laugh genuinely. That would be a real feat.

Eddie goes to step back inside the room but Chimney stops him with a hand held out. Eddie raises his eyebrows. “One of us has to be in there.”

“I know, but-” Chimney looks around before leaning in a bit. “You think this will work. That Buck really will be protected if he hands over the better side of a hundred grand.”

Eddie hesitates a little before he nods. “We know how it works in there Chimney. Money talks. This way the kid will be fine, for a few years at least.”

“Yeah, I mean, yeha, but Maddie was talking to me and she’s trying to get this good lawyer for him. You know he killed her husband because he was trying to kill her, right?”

“Yeah, Buck just told me. She told you?”

Chimney nods. “It’s fucked up.”

“What in this world isn’t?”

“You know I think you would have made a great philosopher in another life. All dark and mysterious, and brooding over books.”

Eddie chuckles a little. “Look I know it’s a tough decision, but if he doesn’t pay, then he dies and there’s no point of a lawyer after that… Or worse.”

He looks up and their eyes meet in fear as they both think of what that ‘worse’ really means, and is. Their horrifying reality.

“It will work.” Eddie says with a defiant nod. “It has to.”

~

It does not work. Eddie sits with Buck at his hospital bed and brings him books, and sneaks in food for him but far too soon is he transferred back to the infirmary in the prison. Once there he’s not cuffed to the bed but he’s surrounded by loopholes of danger. It only takes a second to kill someone. Eddie knows that better than anyone. But for Buck, he’s prime rib. They don’t just want to kill him. He doesn’t tell Buck this instead when he asks, “Do you think I’ll be okay here?”

Eddie says, “Yeah,” with a nod and a smile that’s strained because as to why is something that Eddie can’t bring himself to explain.

Eventually Maddie gets the money together and it’s transferred to a secure bank in Switzerland. It’s all very cloak and dagger, but it’s got to work. It will, because these guys have a code, something like honour. A very twisted version of it anyway except when it comes to the whole kill anyone who hurts kids despite the fact that they do the hurting of kids themselves. _Buck_ , is a prime example. But he is eighteen, or whatever. As Buck keeps reminding him.

“I can take care of myself. I’m an adult.”

Eddie nods. “Sure you can Buck.” He’s reading a book and Eddie’s got a crossword in front of him. Something he’s not too fond of but it’s better than nothing. They’re in the infirmary and apparently Buck has been talking the poor doctor’s ear off.

“I can, I mean you know I can, right? I have been for a long time. I used to get into all kinds of trouble if you could call it that. I wiped out a lot on my bike and skateboard, then my motorcycle.”

Eddie chuckles. “Why does it not surprise me that you had one of those?”

Buck looks to him over his book and grins. “It was a beauty, Eddie. A real ladies net.”

Eddie laughs a little more loudly at that, and Buck pouts. “’Ladies net?’ Come on, Buck. What is this 1987? I take it all back, you’re fully grown up and an adult.”

Buck frowns, a more petulant pout taking hold of his features as he goes back to his book. Still he mumbles as he does so, “What? It’s not like you get lots of dates. You’re always here.”

Eddie kicks his bed a little. “That’s because I’m looking out for you.” Buck preens a little under that, cheeks almost reddening, a strange moment passing between them as Eddie gulps a little suddenly nervous and regretful. “But I do have a girlfriend. Which is why I’m not on a lot of dates.”

Buck looks up a little surprised, Eddie’s not sure if it’s the good kind or not. “You do?”

“Yeah.” Eddie says and their words are strained, the humorous feeling between them fading into something more real. And odd. “I should get back. Let me know what you think of Marissa dying at the end.”

Eddie barely suppresses a smile as he walks away with Buck yelling back, “Hey! Not cool!” behind him the whole way. Sometimes it’s just too easy teasing him.

Buck recovers slowly, but he recovers all the same. Eddie should be happy really, but something keeps bugging him about it. Nagging at him in the back of his head. Pulling in his gut. It’s a few weeks later when Buck is unexpectedly being transferred back into his cell due to a fight breaking out and more beds needed, that he finally follows his instincts and asks Hen to pull up the security footage of that night, telling her to zoom in on their cell as best as she can. He can’t keep ignoring this. He would have done it sooner but between working more to check on Buck and Christopher with his failing grades in science, it’s been tough. And besides, he thought Buck would have another week in the infirmary.

“I don’t know what you expect to find, it was obviously a suicide attempt.” Hen explains as she munches on her pretzels.

Chimney comes up beside them both. “What are we looking at?”

“Security footage of ‘that’ night.” Hens says as she holds the bag of pretzels up for Chimney to snag a few.

“Yeah, it was a real blood bath.”

Eddie half glares at them both before turning back to the camera, watching the fuzzy darkness of shadows moving. It only shows half of the cell, the other half in the back can’t entirely be seen. They’ve had requests for better cameras for years, but if the old ones still work, there’s no room in the budget for any new ones. Welcome to the privatization of prisons where it’s all about the dollar and not the person.

“Look, I was an army medic, right?” Eddie tells them as they nod and make affirmative sounds. “I didn’t see much suicide attempts, but self-inflicted injuries? Yeah, sure, a few. And his arms, they were both equally damaged. Tendons, once they’re snapped, fingers stop working. How was it possible that he cut both equally as damaging? If one arm was injured, the other one should have been more sloppier, less damaged, right?”

Hen pauses as Chimney looks to her. “Well, yeah, he’s kind of right.”

Eddie lifts up his hands as if to say, ‘see?’

“But…” Continues Hen. “You have to remember adrenaline and if he was quick…”

“The only other person in that cell was Red, Eddie, and he had no blood on him, remember?”

Eddie tries to remember, but everything form that night is a little blurry. He didn’t even realize he himself was covered in blood until Buck was well into the operating room. He supposes he was in some kind of shock himself too.

His eyes drift to the security footage, replaying it a few times before… “There!” He yells, pointing at it. “Right there.”

“Right where?” Chimney asks as Hen asks, “Where?”

“There.” Eddie slows it down a little as he points to the now two shadows, and the arm that pulls back, one with a very distinctive tattoo. The other shadow has a hand sneaking out full of blood. It looks like one is slashing the other. _Cutting._

“Oh… Shit.” Chimney whispers in shock.

“Yeah, you’re not kidding.” Replies back Hen. “You were right, Eddie. Buck didn’t do this to himself.”

Eddie’s fists curl up dangerously, anger furling in his stomach as he says the obvious, “It was fucking Red.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is there perhaps hints of plot going on here?  
> Next chapter will be from Buck's perspective!  
> If you have the time, leave a comment! And thank you again for all your support. <3


	3. Buck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s okay if you want to cry, kid. Everyone does. Just be quiet about it, and when you do break, embrace it. You’ll get stronger because of it. And everyone breaks. Everyone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: In this chapter there is some triggering talk of rape and a hint of implied incest between Buck and Maddie (which isn't true ofc).   
> I upped the rating to explicit because of the dark nature of this fic and tough subjects it deals with a long with certain bloody filled scenes, if you catch my drift. I'll try to post warnings at the begining of every chapter and if it's too spoilery I'll post it at the end instead!   
> Thank you! Enjoy!

As soon as the door to the cell is shut tightly, the guard’s heavy boots walking away, only then does Red hop off of his bunk, landing on heavy feet along a blood stain that has yet to fade completely. His own blood.

Red smiles and steps slower, hand reaching out to pat Buck on the back, something which makes him flinch a little away. Red laughs at this and says, “I’m not going to hurt you, kid. The money came through good. You’re not going to rat on me now, are you?”

Buck looks up, a tremendous amount of fear swirling in his chest as the garlic from today’s lunch wafts into his face. Red’s eyes smiling down on him. When he first got here, he thought that they were friendly, now he’s not so sure. Now he sees behind the mask, if only just a little. The hand on his shoulder makes him want to scream. His arms throb and the cell is so small. Nowhere to run or hide.

“No. I’m no rat.” Buck finds the courage to say, because he’s not. He’s not a kid like Eddie thinks. He knows some things. He’s seen OZ.

Red smirks. “Good.”

He starts to walk away but Buck reaches out. “Wait.”

Red turns back around, eyebrow raised.

“They’ll leave me alone now, right? Y- You said that they would.”

Red smiles a little wider. “Sure. You’re going to be just fine now, Buck. Just fine.”

But something in the way he says it makes Buck feel uneasy, guilty even. All that money, Maddie needs it. And Eddie, he didn’t tell him the full story. The only real friend that he’s got left. All his friends in school disappeared from his life, one by one as the trial went on and as the media concocted all sorts of stories. In his lowest moments he wanted to call Maddie to come and be there, but he couldn’t. And he can’t now.

He has to look out for himself now. Because, he is alone.

“Come on, kid, you need your rest.” Red mumbles as he slips back into a tired slumber.

Buck lays down too, tired as well, but his eyes drift to the blood stain, dark, edges darker. Pooled around and his arms ache, and there is a sweat breaking out on his forehead. Red snores, but Buck cannot. He’s curled in tight fear, the scalpel he snuck out, he grabs now, tight in his hands despite how hard it is to curl his fingers, how much it tugs on his stiches. Even when sleep calls him, he does not answer.

His heart hammers on, and he tries to remind himself that he’s safe now. That the money went through okay. Red even said. But the fear grips him and it will not let go. The only time he’s ever been this afraid was…

_“M- MADDIE!”_

~

The first time Buck meets Officer Edmundo “Eddie” Diaz it’s on a snowy Tuesday during something called intake. He’s been in a prison before, but never in a correctional facility, among men doing hard time. The kind of people who kill for fun, or because it’s their life and there’s no way out. At least that’s what he learns from watching OZ religiously until his verdict came through. It really shouldn’t have surprised him when they said, ‘ _guilty,’_ because he is. Guilty. But it did, and it felt like all the air had left him. He was left wheezing with tears in his eyes, Maddie behind him holding his hand tightly before they pulled her away, roughly. He watched the surprise in Maddie’s eyes at that, his own swirling in and it was then that he realized as they cuffed him hard what he has become.

A criminal.

Buck never knew that there was a difference, or that one could be a murderer and not a criminal, or a criminal and not a murderer until that moment. He was in a state of shock as they led him away, and it wasn’t until he was on the old decommissioned school bus that he snapped out of it. The long big and looming gates is what really got to him. That’s when he realized that he’s stuck. A _prisoner._ In every sense of the word. This is where he’ll spend the next twenty five years of his life. The judge was very specific about parole not available until after twenty five. Most don’t get that stipulation he was told, or researched. Lucky him.

Of course, he remembers as he was led out of the courtroom as Mr. and Mrs. Kendall smiled, but it seemed more like a smirk. Evil incorporated. But Buck couldn’t blame them. He took their son away from them, and yet… Their son was evil. But the others never heard that. He was a saint to them and he and Maddie knew that was how it was going to go, that’s why they did what they did. No one can really blame them, right?

“Welcome to Riot.” The officer smiles a little, Asian, Buck sees. Most of the guys beside him aren’t white, or as young as him either. It’s not hard to miss how much he sticks out. “I’m Officer Han, this is Officer Diaz. Grab your things and we’ll get you into your new arrangements. Sorry, we’re all out of rooms with a view.”

Buck almost smiles. He likes Officer Han. But Officer Diaz, he doesn’t smile. His face is impassive and handsome, but impassive. It makes Buck frown and wonder what’s behind all that and what this guy’s problem is. Maybe he’s just seen too many people coming in here, maybe he’s been here a long time. Maybe he’s forgotten how to smile. For some reason, Buck wants him to.

Buck watches as Eddie shakes his head, but no smile. “Alright everyone, line up. Each of you gets your own basic supplies, anything else needs to be paid at the commissary with your own money. Cells have already been assigned, if you’ll follow me.”

They’re led out and down into a block filled with prisoners all in their cells. There’s a room down below something he’s heard called the ‘pit’ where they’re allowed to roam free for a time. Recreational time he’s sure. He wonders where the cafeteria is. He’s kind of starving. He didn’t get to eat much at the police station before he was transferred. He was given food, sure, if you could call it that. But the cops there were friends of the Kendall’s. Everyone’s friends with the Kendall’s, unless you really get to know them that is. And in a weird way, Buck almost feels sorry for Doug sometimes, did he really have a choice? But then he thinks of Maddie’s bruised eyes and red face, _dying_. And everything that came after. He feels nothing for him after that.

“Buckley.” Officer Diaz calls, making him look up. “You’re with Red.”

The cell opens and an older guy jumps off his bed, eyes looking himself up and down. It makes Buck shiver a little, suddenly very afraid, but he’s sure that the older guys wouldn’t want anything from him. At least that’s what he saw in the show. He doesn’t want to think about it, so in true Buck fashion he turns to Officer Diaz and says, “Thanks, Officer Diaz, but it’s just Buck. Everyone calls me that.”

He smiles, hoping that the impassive face will break, hoping that Red and everyone else can’t see how much his heart hammers in his chest. How he’s suddenly very afraid. He’s going to be stuck in a cell with a convict who could have killed someone for all he knows, or worse. Show no fear is the main message that he got in his research, and what Maddie told him. Her second most important lesson after ‘go after what you want and get it.’

“Eddie.” He says, and Buck smiles a little more with a nod of his head as Eddie almost smiles himself. _Victory._

“No one ever call you Diaz?” Buck asks and he knows that he should probably shut up, but his heart suddenly stills a little. The fear abating if only for a moment.

“Not if they want me to respond.” Eddie tells him sternly, but there’s hints of amusement, and Buck soaks it up. The first real interaction he’s had with anyone outside of Maddie, who doesn’t look at him like he’s nothing. Scum. Terrible. Awful. Instead, Eddie looks at him like he’s human. Like he matters and didn’t ‘fuck up,’ everything. Like he’s still someone.

The cell door closes and obediently Buck puts his hands through the slot, eyes staying on Eddie’s features for as long as he can, some odd hope, like a last flickering flame beginning to burn where only coldness has remained for so long. The trial was almost a year long and in that time he only ever had Maddie who he lived with, and anyone else, nothing. The looks… He almost wished that he had died that night.

“Buck, huh?” Red says, and it startles him as he turns to face his ‘roommate.’

“Don’t worry, I’m not like the others.” Red smiles. “Just a guy who did a little robbing while on parole and now I’m stuck in here. In fact, you remind me a lot of myself. I was first locked up at nineteen. Scared shitless, but I tried to look fearless. Much like you’re doing now.”

Buck swallows down his fear and nods. “O- Okay.”

Red chuckles and puts his arm around him as he pulls him towards the bottom bunk, his things set down. “Listen to me, I’ll give you a little advice, you’re white so your only chances here really are the Nazis or the bikers. You could try your chances with being the whacko but that’s a tough job to pull, besides, one look at that pretty face… Well I think you understand what I’m saying.”

Buck shivers, his head dizzy. “T- Thanks.” He says, unsure of what else to say. “But I- I can take care of myself.” He tries to sound strong, because he has taken care of himself for so long. He’s not a kid. “I’m not a kid.”

Red looks him over, curiosity in his eyes before he nods. “Yeah, I guess killing someone is sort of like a rite of passage, huh?”

Buck feels his heart stop a little. “How’d you know about that?”

“Ears everywhere.” Red tells him. “Now make your bed and get settled, lights are out soon. If you’re smart, you’ll get sleep when you can. If you want to stick by me tomorrow, you can. But I can’t protect you if that’s what you’re thinking. Best you can do is stay within in the crowd. More chance of getting stabbed, sure, but less chance of being… Well you know. I won’t paint you a picture, and trust me when I say that’s worse.”

“Of course it’s worse.” Buck mumbles without thinking, hair on end as Red hops up on his top bunk.

Red smirks. “Not for the reasons you think, kid. People find out you took it up the ass, you’ll be a bitch in here for the rest of your life. Free for the taking if you catch my drift.”

“But it’s rape!” Buck half whispers in some sort of outrage as his heart beats wildly.

Red shrugs. “No such thing as rape in a place like this.”

He turns into his blankets just as the guards yell, “Lights out!”

Buck sits slowly onto his bed frame, his empty mattress yet to be made and wills himself not to cry. The fear so overwhelming that he can hardly breathe.

“It’s okay if you want to cry, kid. Everyone does. Just be quiet about it, and when you do break, embrace it. You’ll get stronger because of it. And everyone breaks. Everyone.”

~

Buck stays close to Red. He knows no other option really, and yet still, there are eyes on him. He can feel them on the back of his neck as he moves from food line to table, eating quickly and wanting to go back to his cell just the same. It may be a small thing, enclosed and with the dull and straining feeling of being choked, trapped, but it feels somewhat safe. Better than out here where the prisoners outnumber the guards twenty to one.

Sitting here and eating, it reminds him of school, only instead of teenagers flocking around him in varsity jackets and short skirts, its older men who smell like mung beans and sweat. ‘ _Don’t drop the soap._ ’ Someone whispered that to him as he was dragged out of the courtroom. He remembers it crystal clear, the voice soft but dangerous. He’s not sure who said it, only that someone did. An angry crowd all gathered around, smiling at his misery of being sent away. Imprisoned. In the end, everyone turned against him, even Bryce. His best friend, on the field and off.

When he was arrested, he called once, and had tears in his eyes that Buck could hear as he said, ‘I can’t do this, Buck, I’m sorry.’ Once when they were drunk, he said that he loved him, but then he was on a phone begging for forgiveness for his lack of loyalty. Saying his parents told him not to talk to him again. Buck felt his heart break for the first time then. And he found out the only one he can really count on is his sister. Maddie. His parents disowned him a long time ago, he wasn’t surprised when this time was no different.

“It will get easier.” Eddie tells him. An officer, a CO who should hate him, or ignore him at the very least. The one who almost smiled. He comes by his cell and leaves a book and a piece of fruit. Before that a granola bar, and he’s kind. Kind to Buck in a way that he knows he doesn’t deserve.

But when Buck looks at him he sees some kind of light, and Eddie smiles a little. Rough around the edges, but smiles all the same, and something flickers in his chest. “Thanks, Eddie.” He ends up saying as he takes the book and smiles, crookedly, almost happy. This is the third book he’s gotten from him, the third time a piece of food has been left his way.

“You’ll adjust.” Eddie says again, something he said the first time this happened. Buck’s not so sure. Every day is a test of his sanity. The eyes, they follow him, and Red lets him stick by his side but Buck isn’t so sure it will be enough. If he can make it until it is. If he wants to.

Buck thinks of the twenty five years to life and shivers, and it has nothing to do with the snow that Eddie says is still falling outside. “Yeah?” He ends up saying. “When? When I’m forty three and finally free? When my life is really over? For good. I’ll probably be dead by then.”

Eddie frowns and something like guilt flickers across his eyes as his head hangs low. “You’re not going to die Buck.”

Buck feels tears raise up because he can hear the truth in Eddie’s words, in the hesitance in them to something worse. Buck doesn’t want to think about this anymore, Eddie’s here and when he’s here he can breathe. He feels safe and more alive. Something like determination and courage. Something like a will to survive.

“So is it still snowing out there, or what?” He ends up asking instead, smiling as best as he can, but even he knows there’s cracks to it. A façade that he tries day and night to keep up, but at night when he’s alone in his bed, he’s not so good at it. Red said it was okay to cry, Maddie’s always said crying is good, that it lets out emotion and allows us to feel, but for him, it feels like some kind of defeat.

Eddie smiles and his eyes light up when he does. Buck’s heart warms. “Snowing buckets.”

“I thought that was rain?” Buck quirks an eyebrow, and Eddie shakes his head.

“Smartass.” He mumbles.

Buck smiles wider in kind, the book in his hands held tighter but gentle all the same. He cherishes them, the only good things in this place. The only objects he does cherish. Everything else is meaningless.

“Here.” Eddie says, tossing a pack of gum on his bed with the orange.

“What’s this for?” Buck asks as he picks it up and inspects it.

Eddie smirks. “Keep your mouth doing something other than talking. You’ll get yourself in trouble at this rate.”

Eddie walks away with that and Buck shakes his head, unable not to call out after him, “Now who’s the smartass!” But he’s not too loud. He doesn’t want anyone else to hear. If they do and they know he’s friendly with one of the ‘good’ CO’s, that won’t end well for him.

This goes on for a while and Buck is surprised by how much he’s left alone by the others, but maybe it has something to do with Red. He sticks to him like a sore thumb and knows Red’s a little annoyed by it, but Buck cares too much for his own skin not to. No one has come near him, so he considers that a win. That is until Red isn’t feeling well and Buck is left to fend for himself for breakfast.

“Buckley, right?” A guy asks, all blonde hair and dark eyes. He’s older, thirties maybe, and he has a scar right along his cheek down to his neck.

“Buck.” Buck says automatically and stills as he realizes that he might have made a mistake. Something like ‘dissing’ someone as Red put it.

“Right, Buck. I’m Roger, can I sit here?”

Buck nods, a little afraid as his heart hammers. Roger swings in beside him and smiles, his own tray clattering on the table. Buck’s seen him around before, he’s part of the biker’s which is a good sign right? It must be.

“Listen, I know that you might be having a hard time here, so if you need a little smack to get you through it, I’m your guy.” Roger smiles, and Buck pales.

He quickly shakes his head. “No, I’m- I’m good. I don’t do drugs.” He promised Maddie.

Roger laughs a little, but he looks somewhat disappointed. “Okay, kid, if you say so. Why don’t you and I be friends, huh? I’ll look out for you and you- you can look out for me.”

Buck gulps and wants to say no, but he remembers what Eddie said about friends. About how they’re hard to come by here and necessary. To make them where he can find them, and Red did say his best chances are either the Nazis, _no fucking thank you_ , or the bikers. They sell drugs apparently, but who is Buck to judge in a place like this? Or to be too choosy? Drugs are the least of the worst crimes here.

“Y- Yeah, okay.” He nods and tries to smile as Roger smiles as wide as can be. He holds out his hand and Buck shakes it, his grip far tighter than his own.

“Good. You and me kid, we’re going to be great friends.” He brings him into a half hug that Buck tries not to squirm out of. As far as doing things to survive, this isn’t too bad. It could be worse. Buck tries to remind himself of that fact, but it’s hard to.

It’s all cherry trees and candy until he gets back to his cell and Red hops off his bed, eyes wide and concerned. “So you’re making friends with Roger now?” He asks as he looks Buck over. Buck backs away a little under his gaze.

“Yeah, you said the bikers or the- the other ones would be my best bet and he offered so…”

Red shakes his head clucking his tongue a little. “I thought you were smarter than this, kid.”

“What are you talking about?” Buck asks, a new fresh wave of fear washing over him.

Red leans in a little. “He’s just using you, to get you alone. The thing is… I blinded a guy a few years back so they’re scared of me now, think I’m some kind of psycho which is why they left you alone. Now though… Now they’re trying to get you alone. It seems that they’ve made their decision. Since I left you alone, I’ve taken my ownership off of you and now you’re free game. Understand?”

Buck feels his heart fall through his chest, the fear so pronounced that he can hardly breathe.

“Woah, whoa, relax, kid. I can help you.” Red affirms with a nod as Buck bumps into the wall behind him.

“H- How? How can you help me? Please, I- I need to get out of this.”

Red bites his lip. “It won’t be easy. The only thing that really works here is money. Do you have any?”

Buck shakes his head, then stops as he thinks of Maddie’s money from Doug coming through just after he got in here.

“Oh, so you do.”

“No, it’s- it’s not mine. It’s my sister’s, but she’s using it for a good lawyer to get my case appealed. She won’t give it up.”

Red nods. “But if she knows that you’re in danger… She might.”

Buck thinks about it for a second, but he can’t worry Maddie and she _needs_ that money. It’s not just about himself anymore. Them. He can’t take this second chance away from her.

“I- I can’t.”

“You know what they’ll do to you right?”

“I can’t ask that of her! Okay!?” Buck yells a little, but his mind it is a mess, and he’s afraid. He’s never been so scared. For himself anyway, except when…

Red nods and leans in closer, hands on his legs, a little uncomfortable but Buck is too lost in his fear to notice. To think rationally. “What if you didn’t have to ask?”

Buck looks up, wide-eyed just as the guards yell out, “Lights out!”

~

Buck’s not sure how it came to this. He remembers being seventeen, with the world at his feet, a football soaring through the sky and a yelled, “BUCK!” He catches it and runs, faster than he ever has before. A touchdown and the crowd grows wild. Bryce lifts him up and their eyes catch, and the world explodes into something new. Sandy, his girlfriend comes over and kisses him sweetly, messily in excitement and the world is wonderful. It doesn’t matter that his parents ignore him or that Maddie left him, the world is great. As lonely as he feels most days, he’s happy.

And then suddenly he’s on a prison cell floor in the worst type of pain. Burning and torn open, a breeze come by and even that hurts. Someone is yelling his name, but all he can see is the grey ceiling filled with old mold. He wants to scream as something presses into his blood drawn arms, but he can’t. A sweat breaks out and he’s losing all feeling.

“Stay with me.” A voice whispers, but maybe it’s a yell. His ears are so full of cotton it’s hard to hear, ringing out into an endless ocean, and he thinks about giving up. About the twenty five years of fear, of being caged. Of the world gone and his loneliness the only thing he knows. Even if money is given and he’s safe, what kind of life is this? And if money is given, no lawyer. Just him in a cell for twenty five years. It would just be easier, to, let go. To give up. To wade into the stream. “Stay with me, Buck!”

Buck doesn’t have energy left in him, but his eyes are able to flicker over one last time, a face so sorry that it leaves an ache somewhere deep within his chest. Where his heart is. Or was.

“ _E-” Eddie._

“I’ve got you.”

~

He lies. He says that he did it himself, and Eddie believes him and he feels like the worst human being ever. Maddie believe him too. “Maddie…” He says to her but she shakes her head firmly. “No, Buck. I’m sending the money.”

Buck tries to argue but she smiles. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine, and Jamie’s doing fine too. You don’t need worry.”

“Who’s Jamie?” Chimney asks.

Maddie smiles a little sadly. “Buck’s dog. He got her right before he got in here. I’ve been taking care of her.”

“Maddie…” He tries again, but she’s set in her decision. The one he forced onto her.

“I’ll get a job. I’m an RN remember? I can get a job anywhere. We’ll figure it out. They have lawyers who work pro bono, we’ll find someone. And don’t worry, I’m taking care of Jamie.”

He smiles at that, but his heart hurts with his lies and what he’s doing to her, after everything she’s been through.

The worst, truly.

The money is sent and he should be relieved but all it leaves him with his throbbing arms and scars that go deeper. Eddie watches him when he’s sleeping, or pretending to. Buck can feel him, the questions. Can almost see them, but all the answers he gives are superficial. He never speaks of what actually happened. And no one can know. Especially not Eddie, because if he did. He’d hate him. Turn on him like everyone else has done. Save for Maddie, who only did because he begged her to.

“How are you feeling, Buck?” Eddie asks a few days later.

“Like I could use some chocolate pudding, all they have here is butterscotch. Ew.” He says honestly and a little crankily. They’re decreasing his pain meds quickly, faster than they probably should, but he’s a prisoner and he doesn’t get the full suite tour. He’ll be gone back to the prison by tomorrow anyway, recovering in the infirmary.

Eddie looks a little offended as he picks up the pudding untouched and proceeds to open it, eating it disgustingly. “Butterscotch is delicious. You should be so lucky.” He says through a mouthful as he puts his feet up on his bed and hands over another book.

Buck picks it up quickly, very bored out of his mind and sees a robot on the cover. He never took Eddie to be a fan of robot books. When he looks to Eddie questioningly, Eddie shrugs. “I figured you’d be the type.”

Buck laughs a little. “Maddie told you, didn’t she? That I used to read these all the time when I was little.” He started with comic books and turned to paperbacks after a teacher in the fifth grade forced him to do a book report, and that it had to be a novel. So he made a compromise and found that he loved them up until eighth grade when sports and video games took over.

Eddie’s cheeks redden a little as he stuffs more pudding into his mouth. “Be grateful that I brought you one at all. Count your blessings.” He says in response instead but Buck can see that he’s right. His gaze lingers on Eddie’s features, on the redness of his cheeks and the light in his eyes. All rough and tough until you catch him in something, than he blushes. Trying to avoid the topic. A smile on his lips tinged in embarrassment and nerves.

Buck finds he could watch Eddie all day. In fact, Eddie stopping by his cell, or seeing him at roll call is the best parts of Buck’s day. He makes him happy. Makes him have some flicker of hope. 

~

When he’s transferred back to the infirmary, Eddie comes and visits him all the time. Bringing books or food and staying for a while. Opening up a crossword that he obviously hates, but does anyway. Sometimes Buck takes pity on him and helps him out, but by the end of it they both end up frustrated and angry. Who the heck knows what another name for a butter knife is in French?

“You’re going to be released soon.” Eddie says one day when his stiches are almost healed.

“Oh?” Buck looks up trying to seem okay, but inside he’s torn up. Afraid and on edge. How can he go back to that cell with Red? The way he looked coming after him, like a crazed man. Psycho is right. No wonder the others didn’t want to bother him with Red nearby. He knows Red only did it to help him, but he still is somewhat angry and- and scared. Will he ever stop being so scared all the time? He should feel better, with the money having gone through, but he’s not. He feels worse somehow.

“In a week, maybe.” Eddie confirms with a nod before he sits down on the chair by his bed, scooting it closer. He rests his elbows on his bed and looks up with concerned filled brown eyes that make Buck gulp. He’s so close. Older than himself by almost two decades, but still incredibly handsome, and so kind even when he tries to seem like he’s not. He said he has a girlfriend, which made Buck’s heart feel funny, but she’s lucky. To have him, he means.

“Buck, I have to ask… You’re not going try this again, are you?” Eddie’s words are carefully, eyes searching his own.

Buck feels a little relieved by the question, for one terrifying moment he was afraid Eddie was going to ask him about Red. And if he did, Buck’s not sure he could lie to him. He lied before, but that was more out of omission as they all assumed that he… Which is better. Rats are worse than the ones who hurt kids in this place.

“No, Eddie. You don’t have to worry, I’m going to be fine.” He smiles wide and it’s less forced than he thought it would be, because his words are true. Even with how desperate he’s gotten, afraid, he’d never do something like that. He’d only end up hurting Maddie more that way and, and maybe he still wants to fight. Maybe despite making Maddie bankrupt and the guilt that goes along with it, he still has some kind of hope. Maybe it rests in the way Eddie smiles, hand on his shoulder that’s warm. Or maybe it’s himself, fighting to survive like he did that night and every day since.

“Good. You can talk to me, Buck. You know that, right?” Eddie says, more serious than even before.

Buck nods. “I know.” Warmth blooms within as Eddie pats his shoulder one last time and gets up to leave, and Buck, he finds that his eyes don’t wander away from the sight of Eddie until Eddie wanders away from him first.

When he’s gone though, the fear returns at full force. He looks around and finds the other guard almost asleep in a chair. The doctor and nurse gone for a moment, Buck knows that this is the only time he’s going to get. If he’s caught, it’s in the hole and Red said that’s the worst place, but fear makes one do all kinds of things. Buck’s learnt that before he ever learned anything else.

He runs quietly into the doctor’s office, and searches for that damn scalpel. Or anything close.

Buck knows that he made the right choice when he’s back in his bed and the doctor and two guards come in unexpectedly, Eddie not among them, and says, “We had a stabbing, and we’re going to need that bed.”

~

Roger grabs him as soon as he enters the cafeteria the next morning after his talk with Red, eyes on everyone as he’s ushered off to the side. Buck tries to get out of his grip, but his fingers are pressing into his stitched up arms. It hurts, despite the white bandages tied tightly around each arm and how far they’ve come in being healed. Still, he tries. “Roger, let go of me. I didn’t do anything. I- I sent the money.”

His heart hammers, and the scalpel that he tied into the shirt of his sleeve beckons him, but he doesn’t pull it out, not yet anyway. He can’t. At his words though, Roger smiles a little before he pulls him into a far off closest. Where three other guys stand around, arms crossed. Buck looks between them all seeing how cornered he is, how alone. Maybe he should have yelled out to a guard. Maybe he should have done something differently, but it all happened so fast, and suddenly he has the urge to cry, but he doesn’t.

“What money are you talking about, Buck?” Roger says leaning in with a look that screams of curiosity and something deeper, more somehow.

Buck looks from Roger to the others as they close in. Roger snaps his fingers just as quickly and says, “Answer the question, Buck.”

“R- Red.” Buck says quickly, hands sweating, reaching for the scalpel as he hits the back of a shelf full of boxes and papers.

Roger pauses at that, confusion flickering before he smiles and laughs, throwing his head back and shoulders shaking. “Red? You gave that old con man your money?”

Buck freezes. He doesn’t want to believe it, but as his eyes go from Roger to the others, a sinking dread takes hold. A terrible foreboding, a glimmer of true anger in Roger’s eyes. In something more dangerous. Something Buck’s only seen in one other’s eyes. In Doug’s.

He grips the scalpel tightly.

“He said that he’d protect me, t- that it would keep you and everyone else away from me. He said that he’d take care of it.” His words are hollow even to his own ears, blood rushing in, and he doesn’t know what to do. Can’t think. Just acts. _Reacting._ Just like that night.

Roger shakes his head. “Oh, Buck. Buck. Buck. Buck. We were leaving you alone because we know about you, after all who doesn’t? Star footballer, rich parents, stabs his brother-in-law for no good reason. Maybe some incest going on with the sister, hey I don’t judge.” He holds up his hands as if to prove his point and Buck feels sick. The media really screwed not just himself but Maddie too, and it’s right now, moments like these that he knows that they made at least one right decision when he decided to keep his mouth shut.

“We wanted money off of you, it’s why I was being so nice, had a whole plan going. Seems Red figured it out and wanted your money first. That old bastard… Still going strong isn’t he?” Roger turns back to the others who smile and laugh a little, nodding along as though this were some big joke. Some big game. But Buck’s not laughing.

Roger turns back to him. “Let me guess, he took everything you got. Nothing left. That’s his MO anyway, but why then, if you thought you were going to be protected did you try to off yourself?”

Roger stares into his eyes looking for answers, but Buck’s throat is dry and he can’t speak. The shame and embarrassment, and the anger is too much. The fear even more so. “Oh, I get it. He cut you real good so that your parents, who weren’t at the trial right? Would feel sorry for you and pay what was due. It’s smart. I’ll give it to him. But you know what that means now?”

Buck lets the scalpel slip out from under his shirt sleeve into his palm, hidden just barely, but Roger doesn’t seem to take notice as he leans in close and answers his own question straight into Buck’s ear, spit and all.

“It means that you are truly and honestly, royally, so… _fucked._ ”

Roger laughs and the blood rushes into Buck’s head, the fear so overwhelming that he tastes blood.

“ _MADDIE! GET OFF OF HER!_ ”

Roger let’s out a tight breath as the blade enters him, just like Doug did. Eyes startled and lost at the sudden pain. Somehow, Buck remains standing.

“ _E- E- Evan! NO!_ ”

Hands are suddenly on him and the scalpel goes flying, and so does he.

“ _I- I didn’t mean to. Maddie, fuck, Maddie… What did we do?”  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your support, your comments are really nice to read. I love that you're all loving reading this as much as I am writing it. :)


	4. Eddie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck’s face scrunches up in pain and guilt, and Eddie’s heart tightens because of it. “I fucked up, Eddie.” He says as he looks up briefly, unexpected tears coming.  
> Eddie tries not to let it not get to him, but it does. Buck gets under his skin like no one else has before. “Talk to me.”

“It was fucking Red.” Eddie stares a moment longer at the screen before he’s jumping into action. “We have to get him out of there.”

“Hold up. Wait a second.” Hen says as she reaches out and Eddie glares at her, heart hammering in his chest as he thinks of Buck stuck in a cell with the guy who almost killed him. Would have, but it doesn’t make sense. He’s the one that was calling out for help, to cover his tracks? Maybe. Why would he want Buck dead though? Now that’s the question.

“Wait for what?”

“Eddie we have to be smart about this, what if the others think Buck ratted him out.” Hen tries to explain but Eddie is already shaking his head, not believing that he’s hearing this.

“The security footage shows what happened. Buck didn’t say anything, even- even when he could have. Now get out of my way.”

Hen’s lips move into a tight line as she keeps her stance tall and strong. “It doesn’t matter what we say about security footage or not, you know that. The way it works in here, Buck should take care of this, not us. If we do, he’ll be targeted again.”

Eddie huffs out a laugh, throwing his head back as Chimney eyes them both uncomfortably, still half munching on his pretzels, but worry is evident. That much is clear. Eddie’s angry though, at Red and a little at Buck, but now at Hen as he tells her plainly, “You just think everyone in here deserves to be. And if they get hurt, so what, right? One less criminal. Like the man who killed your father.”

“Oh, uh… Eddie… You’re out of line.” Chimney tries to say as he stands up, but Eddie’s heart is pounding, clouded in anger and fear, and something else. He doesn’t care.

“Face it Hen, your blinded by your own personal crap. You shouldn’t even be working here.”

“Oh? I’m blinded by personal crap? You’re the one that has the hots for an eighteen year old murderer who butchered his brother-in-law. Or did you forget that part?” She counters, not faltering for a moment.

Chimney steps forward. “That’s enough guys, and no offense Hen, but you don’t what you’re talking about.”

Hen looks to Chimney, a clear look of betrayal on her features. “What? So you’re taking his side now.”

“I’m not taking anyone’s side!” Chimney yells, hands waving with the bag of pretzels still in them, making a few fly out. He quickly puts the bag down. “I’m just saying that you don’t know the full story.” Hen scoffs, and then Chimney turns to himself. “And you Eddie, you shouldn’t have said that and you are blinded. You are because you care, and Hen’s right, okay? You know once they get a whiff of a rat it’s all fair game. And you know what they do to rats.”

Hen shrugs as if to say, ‘I told you so.’

Eddie concedes, if just a little. “Fine, I’m sorry, but I’m not leaving Buck in there with him. Someone has to take care of Red.”

“We’ll figure something out.” Chimney placates, but just as he says that, Rick comes in, running in with sweat on his face, bug eyed from one to the others.

“Rick, damn, what happened?” Hen asks as she eyes the blood, Chimney and he doing much the same. Another stabbing? Already? Fuck.

“There was an incident.” Rick breathes out heavily. “In a storage closet, four of the bikers and- and…”

“Well, spit it out.” Hen says quickly.

“And Buckley.”

“Buck?” Eddie steps forward, heart hammering in his chest for an entirely different reason now. The money went through. He should be safe. What the hell happened? “Is he okay? Is he hurt!?”

“What?” Rick asks and he looks genuinely confused. “Y- Yeah, Buck is fine. A- Actually, he’s our prime suspect. He’s the one with all the blood on him. One of the biker’s got stabbed. Two of the CO’s came in just in time to see Rogers fall over.”

“Did they actually see Buck stab him?” Chimney asks.

And Eddie would like to know that too, because if they didn’t then there’s no proof. Buck won’t be sent to solitary or to the hole, both equally terrifying places, especially for him. And more than that, it won’t be on his record, causing possible parole to be denied. And shit, when did he start hoping for a guy’s crimes to be covered up? Maybe Hen’s right, he thinks, or maybe Buck was just defending himself.

‘ _Like Doug,’_ a traitorous voice whispers.

“Where is he?”

“Rogers?”

“Buck.” Eddie says impatiently, already walking up to Rick and out to find him. He must be terrified. Alone. They better not have taken him away already.

“In the infirmary with Rogers, getting his stiches looked at. No one’s talking though, so we haven’t been able to do anything.”

_Good._

“That’s too bad.”

“Yeah, well they never talk, do they?”

~

Eddie finds Buck hunched over on a bed, eyes staring vacantly at bloodied hands. He’s off to the corner on his own, alone with only one guard beside him. Rogers is off in the other room getting stitched up, apparently it wasn’t too deep and very clean. A scalpel was used. That in itself implicates Buck profusely, but still, if no one talks… He should be fine. And why does that make him feel better?

“I’ve got this, Tom.” Eddie says to the guard who looks between them before nodding and leaving. Eddie waits until he’s out of the room before he kneels before Buck and tries to find his eyes. Tries to get Buck to look at him, but he won’t. His eyes stay fastened on the blood soaked in his hands, on his shirt, a little on his neck.

‘ _Is this what you looked like when you killed your brother-in-law?_ ’ Eddie doesn’t mean to think that, it just happens. He cringes at it all the same, and touches Buck’s chin gently, forcing his face up to meet his.

“Buck? Can you look at me, please? Are you hurt?” Eddie asks carefully as he looks him over, finding no obvious injuries save for a bruise along under his eye. Apparently another prisoner pushed him over before the guards had a chance to.

Buck shakes his head and Eddie sighs in relief as he grabs a chair and sits down, keeping him close. “What happened?”

Buck’s face scrunches up in pain and guilt, and Eddie’s heart tightens because of it. “I fucked up, Eddie.” He says as he looks up briefly, unexpected tears coming.

Eddie tries not to let it not get to him, but it does. Buck gets under his skin like no one else has before. “Talk to me.” He tries again, but Buck keeps his mouth firmly shut. _Rat._

“Red’s the one who did this, isn’t he?” Eddie gestures to the bandaged arms, the ones that are almost healed, stiches off next week. Thankfully they seem not to have been pulled but Eddie will wait for the doctor’s assessment on that.

Buck doesn’t answer him, but his eyes look away guiltily and that’s enough for Eddie. “I thought you said that you would be safe.” He’s angry, he can hear it in his own voice and see it in the way Buck shivers. Without thought he reaches out for a blanket off the bed and wraps it around Buck who makes no move to stop him. Maybe he’s in shock, Eddie reasons, concern pooling in even more so.

“I fucked up, Eddie.” He repeats, and Eddie nods.

“I got it, Buck, but how? What happened? Talk to me.”

Buck meets his eyes then, all fearful and sorry. “You can’t tell anyone, Eddie.”

“Buck-”

“They’ll think I told on them, please. You can’t.”

Eddie sighs, biting his lip. He hates this, anger furls in. “Okay, I won’t.” He’s not so sure about that, but he says it anyway, anything to get Buck to talk. To tell him the truth so that he can fix this. So that Buck won’t end up being the one with a scalpel in his stomach next.

“Red, h- he tricked me. He said that if I gave the money to him, I’d be safe. That Roger was just being nice to me to get me alone. I should have just gave the money to Roger, but I didn’t Eddie and now look what’s happened.” He’s begging, pleading now. More life to him than ever before as his hands reach out to Eddie. Pulling on his shirt.

Suddenly it all clicks into place, and Eddie understands. Scarily so. Very gently he touches Buck’s hands digging into his uniform and puts them down back to himself, squeezing once before letting go. “I’ll take care of this.” His voice sounds too calm even to himself.

“E- Eddie. You can’t, they’ll think… I can take care of myself.”

Eddie stands up all the same and says seriously, eyes digging into Buck’s, “You’re an eighteen year old kid stuck in a prison where your parents abandoned you. You only have a sister who just gave up all your money and therefore power that you both have. You got tricked by an old man and now you bear the scars of a quitter. Weak. Just take the help, Buck.”

Buck looks like he breaks a little more with every word, and Eddie wants to be guilty, sorry, but all he is, is angry and worried. So worried that it hurts. “W- What could have happened if you- Do you have any idea what they will do to you now? Do you know how fucking hard it was watching you bleed out on that floor? How much your sister was crying at the hospital!? Do you only care about yourself!?”

Buck’s sorrow is gone in an instant, anger too now, deep and profound as he stands up and points into Eddie’s chest, punctuating his words of, “Myself is the least of what I care about Eddie! And you know nothing about me! NOTHING!”

They stand there, breathing heavily staring at the other until a voice clears and Chimney asks, clearly uncomfortable, “Everything okay in here?”

Eddie looks at Buck for a long moment before nodding. “Yeah, everything’s fine. Look out for this dumbass while I take a break.”

Eddie turns to leave, unable not to hear Buck mumbling behind him, “Asshole.”

~

He does take a break. He goes outside of the prison, the dark night daunting as he stands against a brick wall and pulls out a pack of cigarettes he loaned off of Rick. Eddie hasn’t smoked for well for a year, and when he did it was always here. Or at a convenience store down the block, anywhere but near Christopher. He stopped for him, but now, with shaking hands and a shaking heart, he lights up another and smokes heavily. Breathing it in and out, his racing thoughts calming just a little as his lungs blacken a little too. Give and take, or whatever.

So Buck fucked up? Trusted the wrong people, and got his arms damaged because of it. He’s still having trouble curling his fingers. Eddie sees it when he watches him read the books he gives him, not in a creepy way, just checking up on him. The expressions Buck makes when he reads are funny as heck and never fail to make Eddie smile. Tongue sticking out and outrage as plain as day in the span of a few minutes. Smiling in laughter and frowning in sorrow. Through it all, he’s still human. Still someone who could maybe have a life outside of these prison walls. Someone who hasn’t been completely changed because of this place. A possibility of a future.

But he stabbed a guy. Stabbed him and he has only one bruise in his defense, and that was from the other prisoners tackling him after. Sure, he doesn’t know exactly what went on there but fuck. What if Hen’s right? What if he’s wrong? _‘I fucked up, Eddie.’_

“Fuck it.” He whispers to himself, he could never let this slide and not do anything, not when it comes to Buck. The guy has his hooks in, and Eddie’s not even sure why. Why he cares so much. Why it hurts to watch him get hurt. Why it makes him so fucking angry. _Dumbass._

He pulls out his phone, cigarette in the other hand and dials a number he never hoped that he’d have to call again. It takes a while, but eventually she picks up. “ _Hello?_ ”

“Maddie? It’s me, Eddie. Officer Diaz from Riot.”

“ _Oh shit, is Buck okay? What happened? What’s wrong?_ ”

“Nothing. He’s not hurt. Just a bruise, but there’s- something’s wrong and we need to fix it.”

“ _What do you mean? What happened?_ ” She sounds confused now, and Eddie doesn’t blame her. So is he.

“Your parents have money right?” He asks, cutting right to the point because they really don’t have any time to waste as soon as morning hits and all the prisoners are left to wander, Buck will be done for. If he hadn’t have stabbed the guy, maybe they could have bought him more time, but he did and that calls for retaliation. Even if Buck isn’t a real threat, they can’t look weak and that’s how this works in here.

“ _Y- Yeah, but I- we, haven’t talked to them since Buck was arrested. They just… They said a lot of awful things and Buck, he- Well they just gave up on him. Why? What’s wrong? I thought the money went through okay?”_

“Yeah, about that… Look, uh, we need to talk to your parents tonight and I’ll explain everything on the way, but we need more money and- and if we don’t get it, this time tomorrow Buck might not be here.”

It’s cruel, but it’s the truth, and as much as it hurts to say, Eddie needs Maddie to understand that this isn’t a request. A maybe. It’s life or death, for Buck. And that scares him. Fucks him up in a way only Christopher almost dying ever has before. He thinks of Red and the shit he’s caused, and Eddie knows that he can’t just leave him. He has to do something, somehow without indicating Buck as a rat.

Maddie louds a string of curses and says, “ _I’ll come by the prison in thirty. We can make it to their house in a few hours. Will that be too long? He’s going to be safe while we’re gone, right?_ ”

“Yeah, don’t worry, they’re all locked in their cells until the morning. See you then.” He hangs up, smokes another long drag and then throws it to the floor. He stomps on it as he goes back inside, handing the cigarettes back to Rick, he pulls Chester aside. One of the older guys who Eddie may or may not have seen him conduct a little business with the prisoners.

“What’s up, Eddie?” He says, all smiles as they find a corner where they’re alone.

“I’m in a rush, so I’ll get to the point. I know about your little operation and I haven’t said anything, because I’ve been nice, but I’m going to need you to do something for me.”

Chester stiffens. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Eddie.”

“Let’s skip all this, alright? Red, I need him in the hole. Solitary is better, but just make it happen. Understood? By tonight.” Eddie explains and he watches as Chester stiffens, hesitancy in every step. “I’m not asking. Do it or I tell the warden.”

He pats him on the shoulder and walks away to the locker room, getting changed quickly just as Chimney walks in, eyes narrowed and hands on his hips. “What’s going on? Maddie called me and cancelled our movie night.”

Eddie chuckles a little. “I knew it.” He says with a pointed finger to Chimney who barely suppresses a smile.

“It’s not what you think.” He says quickly.

“Yeah, sure whatever. Wait, who’s with Buck?”

“Hen.” Chimney supplies. “I asked her to look after him until he’s sent back to his cell.”

“Don’t let him back in there until…”

“Until?”

“Until Red’s gone.” Eddie answers simply as he ties up his boots.

“Eddie what did you do?” Chimney asks with concern as he sits beside him, eyes concerned.

“I did what I had to.”

“Eddie-”

“What? You want to tell Maddie that we let Buck back into a cell with the guy who almost killed him?” He’s got him there, and they both know it. “I’m not going to argue with you, Chimney. Maddie’s coming to pick me up and then were going to see Buck’s parents to get that money.”

“And you really think that Rogers and the rest of them will leave Buck alone after that?” Chimney asks incredulously, and Eddie pauses at that.

“I don’t know.” He says honestly as he stands up and slams the locker door shut. “But it’s all we’ve got right now. And there’s some things you don’t know.”

“Fine, then I’m coming with you, and you can explain them.”

Eddie looks to him with confusion. “Someone’s got to stay with Buck.”

“Hen will look after him, come on I- I can’t let Maddie face those- those snobs alone.”

Eddie can’t help but let a smile loose and some more laughter. “I knew it. It is like that. Okay, come on.” He’s teasing him, but it’s better than swimming in misery, in fear and anger. That’s not going to get them anywhere.

“Come on, Eddie, she’s nice. We’re just friends, she needs a friend, that’s all.”

“Yeah, ‘friend.’” Eddie air quotes. “Just hurry up, she’ll be here soon.”

And it’s moments like these that Eddie thinks that maybe if they can tease like this and laugh in the darkest moments, that everything will eventually work out. Be okay. Somehow. Someway. Maybe that’s naïve. Maybe that’s life.

“So… Who’s going to tell Buck that you’re dating his sister?”

Chimney throws a shoe at him for that and Eddie dodges it easily, more laughter shared between them, for now.

~

Meeting the Buckley parents is something Eddie can only describe as an _experience_. His own parents might not have been the best parents in the world, but they were still warm and they always put their children before themselves. Working overtime, sacrificing their own happiness, vacations and a larger house so that his sisters could go to college. All for a better life. But when it came time for him to, his dad had a heart attack. And then Shannon got pregnant and the army seemed like the only option. Mr. and Mrs. Buckley on the other hand, are cold. Aloof and they never ask once how Maddie has been.

“It’s good of you to finally find the time to visit us, Maddie.” Margaret Buckley says calmly, but there’s an underline of a tremor, of uncertainty. She picks up the mug in front of her and it shakes in her weathered hands.

Philip Buckley puts a hand on her arm and turns to them with a strained smile. “Is everything alright? You sounded upset on the phone.”

Maddie half smiles bitterly, but pushes it down all the same. That same unwavering strength Eddie saw at the hospital coming back full force. “It’s Evan, if you care to know.”

“Of course we do.” Margaret says fiercely, but she’s shaking her head. “You don’t know how hard this has been for us. To lose a child…” She trails off, eyes shut.

“But you didn’t lost him, mom, he’s right here.”

“Let’s not go over this again.” Philip interrupts. “Now, you’ve introduced us to your friends, but I’m guessing there’s another reason they’re here.”

Eddie feels all kinds of things about Buck’s parents, mostly anger that makes him grip his knuckles tightly together. Forcing a calming deep breath to stop himself from saying something he’ll regret. He’s here for one reason and one reason only. He thinks of the blood on Buck’s hands, of the bandages tightly wound. Of the fear that burned from him, through himself. Most of all, he remembers and thinks of telling Buck to hold on as he held him in his arms and willed him to stay alive.

“We’re correctional officers. Guards at Riot. The prison your son is incarcerated in.” Eddie says, not unkindly but without being considerate either. He puts his own mug down and leans forward a little. “Almost a month ago your son Evan-” and it just sounds odd to call him that, but Maddie warned him that they hate his nickname, ‘Buck,’ but to Eddie that’s his only real name. “Was attacked. He almost died. He’s eighteen years old, white and without any protection in there. I won’t go into details but he needs money to stay safe in there. Next time he won’t be so lucky.”

Margaret puts a hand to her lips in shock, eyes wide as she looks to her husband. Philip pats her hand. “Of course we’ll help.”

Eddie blinks, eyes finding Maddie’s shocked and angry ones that refuse to look at anyone else, then to Chimney’s who looks confused.

“Um, thank you, sir.” Chimney says quickly for all three of them.

Maddie looks almost on the verge of outrage but she somehow manages to keep her voice level as she asks, “And where was your willingness to help him when he was arrested?”

Philip frowns, eyes upset and stormy. “He killed a man, Maddie, you’re husband. We couldn’t abide by that, but no parent wants to outlive their child.”

“You should have stuck by him, no matter what. That’s what a real parent would have done.” Maddie fires back, Chimney reaching out to her arm gently, something everyone notices her flinch away from. Chimney moves his hand back, but not before Maddie grabs on, eyes sorry as they glance to his.

“You’re not a mother, Maddie. You don’t know what it’s like to make the tough choices a parent has to make.” Margaret says solemnly.

“We’ll give you the money.” Phillip adds. “It will be his trust fund of course. It’s his to do with as he will. Just as yours was.”

Maddie’s eyes flicker in guilt, and Eddie realizes then that there’s a lot more going on here than meets the eye, he just can’t quite put his finger on it. Regardless though, his first priority and thoughts are Buck. Keeping him safe.

“Thank you.” He says, and he means it just as much as it kills him to say it to these people. To the ones who abandoned their son when it got tough. When it stopped being easy. He’d never abandon Christopher, no matter what. Whatever bullshit they’re spouting, none of them are buying it. And it’s just that, bullshit.

~

The money is transferred over that night, and there’s nothing left once it is. Not even a penny to pay a retainer for a lawyer for Buck. Not the ten grand on the least expensive one Maddie found, nor the twenty grand on the most expensive. It’s a blow, but at the very least Buck will be safe. When Eddie asks him a few days later if everything’s settled now, Buck looks to him and smiles crookedly, not a care in the world. As if he didn’t just stab a guy, almost die himself if he hadn’t taken that scalpel. “They’re leaving me alone.” Buck says as he flips through the pages of the new paperback Eddie’s handed over.

“Good.” Eddie nods, but he’s nervous, unsure.

“I know, I stabbed him, but he said it was alright, and that he kind of likes it. Says I’ve got fire or something.”

“As long as you’re protected now.” Eddie reiterates, arms crossed as he drops an apple on Buck’s lap that he snuck in with the book. Buck reaches for it, his forearms bare and marked, forever. The stiches are out but they’re still red, a little sore almost, but otherwise okay. Even if he does manage to get out, he’s already been marked for life. Maybe even into the next one. It makes Eddie feel hesitant, uncertain, and guilty. “I’m sorry, Buck.”

“What for?” Buck asks, looking up confused now, smile unsure.

“I couldn’t protect you.”

Buck laughs. “I’m fine. I can take care of myself you know. I’m not some kid.”

Eddie nods, because he believes it. Now more than ever. Maybe he was a kid when he came in, before all of this, but now… Now his eyes are more cautious, more distrusting. He scopes out the room and he sticks to himself out there. His smile isn’t as bright but thankfully it’s still very much real. ‘ _Count your blessings, Edmundo._ ’ His abuela used to say.

“Maddie’s trying to get you a lawyer, a good one.”

Buck’s smile falls a little, almost bitter sweet. “I don’t know about that, you know how they- what happened last time… Now I’m stuck here.” His eyes cloud over and Eddie’s heart hurts because of it. “You know I was really good at football, mostly because I practiced every morning and night. I thought… If I could do really well, my parents might notice me. That one night they’d show up in the stands and be cheering. That if I got in the paper, maybe Maddie would come home... But she never did.”

He looks down and Eddie swallows down his sorrow. He can picture it. Buck in all his glory, on shoulders of other players being paraded around. Happy and laughing. A girl under his arm. His whole life ahead of him.

“I was this close to getting a scholarship. I was going to go to college and- and be somebody. Somebody my parents could be proud of… Love.” Buck smiles unhappily and looks up. “I guess that was never meant to be.”

Eddie breathes in and out, trying not to let his anger that masks every other emotion out. Instead he smiles and touches Buck’s arm, telling him sternly but gently, “You don’t know that, Buck, and no matter what happens you’re still alive. You still have a life.”

“Some life.” Buck replies and shrugs as Eddie pulls away, unsure of what else to say to change Buck’s mind. To make him see that it’s not the end, at least not yet. “I know about the money, Eddie. You don’t have to lie to protect me, I know there wasn’t enough left for a lawyer. It’s okay. I’m going to okay.”

But it’s a lie and Eddie shakes his head, calling Buck out on it instantly. “ _Idiota._ Now who’s lying to who to protect them?”

Buck blushes a little and almost kicks him. “Get out of here, you have a job and I have a book to read.”

Eddie lets him have this lie, but he doesn’t let himself. Instead he thinks of all the ways that he can get his hands on that kind of money for a lawyer. The only way he can think of is the money his parents have saved up since paying off his father’s medical bills. The money that was once supposed to be his college tuition, now in Christopher’s name. It hurts and he knows that he shouldn’t, but he can’t think of any other way.

If Buck knew, he’d stop him. Eddie’s sure of that more than anything else, but Christopher is still young and he’s saved up money for him, himself. He has time to save up more money, Buck doesn’t. In ten years he’ll be twenty eight. In another, thirty eight, then his forties. All the best parts of his life, gone, never to even begin in the first place. He has to crunch some numbers, but Eddie’s pretty sure that he can put away twenty grand for Christopher in ten years, as though it was never taken away in the first place. Extra shifts here and there. Whatever it takes. He’ll make it work. He has to.

~

In retrospect he knows that it’s a terrible idea. Horribly so, but he can’t think of another way to get his parents to hand over the money before Christopher has turned eighteen. So he concocts a story and they fall for it. Believe him without question and he’s a terrible son. But the way he sees it, he’s trying to save Buck’s life. Buck who smiles even when the world is crushing him. Buck who asks about Ana even though it seems to hurt him somehow, Eddie assumes that’s because he’ll never get to have a serious girlfriend and maybe a wife now. Buck who trusts too easily and somehow turned out okay despite the cold shoulder of his parents, his sister leaving him. Buck who still smiles despite the scars he bears, the one’s Eddie can see and the ones he can’t.

Buck who makes him smile and feel something more… As though he’s finally waking up from a dream. Buck who makes him want to do better, be better despite the unfairness of the world and how much it opposes that principle. Buck who’s warm and filled with life. He doesn’t want that crushed. Lost. Changed irrevocably. Buck who was screwed over by everyone. Buck who deserves to have his life back. _To be loved._

“So you’re finally home.” Ana says when he walks through the door. They’re one year anniversary is in a few weeks. Eddie hasn’t planned anything, but by the look of anger on her features, he’s suddenly very aware that he probably doesn’t need to.

“Hey, honey.” He says, but she crosses her arms tightly.

“I just got off the phone with your parents… Apparently we’re getting married. They wanted to congratulate me. But you know what the real beauty of it all is? APPERENTLY I’M PREGNANT!?” She yells the last part, picking up a pillow and throwing it at Eddie.

Eddie doesn’t even try to move out of the way. He smiles, hesitantly, and sorry, because he is. But he couldn’t think of another explanation. And to be fair, Chimney suggested it. But also to be fair, he knows that he shouldn’t be following Chimney’s advice. This is the man who lied about knowing how to cook to a woman he dated for the better part of a year.

“L- Let me explain. Please, Ana, honey…”

She frowns, and crosses her arms. “Go on.”

“I needed money and they wouldn’t have given it to me if I told them the real reason.”

Concern flashes in her eyes as she asks, “Are you okay, Eddie?” She walks a little closer, and Eddie’s heart tears because she’s so beautiful and kind, and loving. Caring. Even when she screws up she tries to do better. She’s perfect, everything he’s been searching for, and he’s doing this to her. He doesn’t want to lose her.

“I don’t want to lose you. I- I know that I’ve been distant lately, but it’s work and…”

“Shh, baby, I understand.” She says kindly, walking closer now, a hand on his cheek as he looks up to her.

He feels guilty and uncertain, but she deserves the truth. She deserves at least that much. He kisses her hand and tells her honestly, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Her eyes soften. “Tell me what happened.”

He takes a deeper breath and says, “It’s Buck.” No longer a prisoner or inmate in his mind, just, _Buck._ She frowns and moves away, Eddie trying faintly to reach out, but it’s useless. A pointless endeavour as the anger returns full force. “He needs the money, to get a lawyer. A good one.”

Ana laughs. “Wow… You know in a million years, I never would have guessed this.”

“Ana, honey…”

“You. In love. With an eighteen year old murderer.” She laughs some more but it’s on the verge of hysteria.

“Ana, no, that’s not- I love you!” He yells and he’s angry now, what the hell is she talking about? “I’m just trying to help him. He’s all alone and he deserves-”

“Deserve what, Eddie!? He killed a man! Or did you forget that when you were screwing him!”

“What?” He chokes out, unbelieving at what she’s saying. It’s the furthest from the truth.

“Come on, Eddie. No one in their right mind would do all this for some random prisoner. It’s obvious now. All the late nights and the nightmares when you call out his name. Fuck. I’m so stupid.”

“Ana…”

She backs away. “No, Eddie, we’re done. And when I said I loved you? I don’t. I never did.” There’s tears in her eyes and in his too, and he’s unsure if she means it or if she’s lying to save face, but she’s out the door before he can ask, or beg for her back. The house echoes with her departure, in emptiness, that faintness of her perfume, but it’s not really empty.

“Dad?”

Eddie looks to his son and tries to smile but he’s failing, miserably. “Hey, buddy. I’m sorry, did we wake you?”

He shakes his head and walks over, Eddie trying to swallows down his emotions as his son, without any hesitation, wraps his arms around him. He’s so surprised that it takes him a second to respond, to hug him back, but when he does, Christopher holds on tighter. “It’s okay, dad.” He tells him. “I still love you.”

Eddie’s always been strong, but for some reason, this is what breaks him.

~

“Hey, Eddie, this book, I can’t believe that-” Buck stops himself and Eddie barely notices until Buck is standing in front of him, eyes concerned. They’re in his cell, another one of these visits but Eddie’s lost. Hurting in a way that digs into every nerve in his body. “Hey, are you okay?”

Eddie somehow manages to meet his eyes and he wants to lie. To put on a smile, but he’s thinking of Ana and the money that’s supposed to be his son’s. He’s thinking of the blood on his hands just as much as the blood on Buck’s. And the lies to his parents. And he’s wondering… Wondering what the right thing is, if such a thing even exists at all.

Buck must see something, because his smile falters and he’s whispering, “Come here.” All gentle and soft he pulls Eddie into a hug. One that leaves Eddie lost and stilling, unsure of what to do or why his heart beats harder, more sure. His arms remain unmoving only for a moment before he’s hugging back, pulling Buck in tightly but nonetheless gentle. Soft and warm he brings Buck in and pushes his nose into the softness of where Buck’s shoulder and neck meet. His whole body, being sinks into the embrace, and Buck holds back just as sure, hand rubbing warm circles into his back.

A gentle, “I’ve got you,” leaving his lips that’s familiar. Echoed by his voice in this same cell for a different reason not to long ago. Or maybe it’s the same reason.

And for once, Eddie lets himself have something more than what’s expected of him. For once he lets himself, _feel_.

One way or another, he’s going to get Buck out of here. _That_ is the right thing. Now, in this moment, he’s sure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your support! <3 If you have the time, leave a comment and let me know what you think of this chapter and maybe, Eddie's actions. . :)


	5. Chimney

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And unlike before where there was hesitancy on the situation with Buck, this time there’s a soft fire lighted in Maddie’s eyes. A steely determination that makes Chimney somewhat proud. _That’s his girl._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was not planning on writing a chapter from Chimney's perspective but I got a little stuck with how to write the next series of events from Eddie or Buck's, so here we are, and I'm really glad I did. I think it came out good in the end. Enjoy!

“Thanks for asking me here.” Maddie smiles gently, a little hesitant and unsure as she reaches for her cup of coffee, drinking it slowly, eyes crinkling. She’s beautiful. There’s a pain and a sorrow behind her eyes, a shadow that never fades, so prominent now because everything is, but it does nothing to overshadow her beauty and her strength. Chimney’s heard the old saying of how a pretty woman can make the strongest men weak, he never really understood that until now. He’d give his whole life to her if he could. She holds his heart in her hands and they’ve barely just begun. He’s unsure if they ever will at all, but he doesn’t care. Even though it hurts, all he wants is for her to one day smile freely, happily. Not a care in the world.

Being in love is so wonderful and painful, it a _ches._ It’s why he can’t tease Eddie about Buck, not when he understands so perfectly, even when they themselves do not. At least not yet. Chimney’s not even sure what’s going to happen them, but it’s sort of all a moot point at this juncture. Buck’s in a prison cell, Eddie is not. What a perfect juxtaposition. Irony. If this was a movie someone might call it a ‘tragic romance.’ Chimney would just call it shitty, maybe even bad luck. But he wonders, if this didn’t happen would they meet at all? Would they could they?

“I wanted to see how you were doing after we saw your parents… Are you alright?” He smiles up at her and she tries to match it but there’s an undercurrent of anger and pain.

She puts her mug back on the table and tells him simply, “They’re not bad people, they’re just really bad parents.” She smiles thinly like that makes it all okay.

“You know, I used to say something similar about my dad. How he wasn’t a bad man, just didn’t know how to be a good dad.” Chimney says and he doesn’t know where this old grief comes from, only that it’s here and real, and he’s never told anyone this. Never felt like he could, but with Maddie’s brown eyes on him, there’s no one he’d rather have know. “But that didn’t stop the bruises, or how when I got away from that, from him, I still flinched away from people. How I couldn’t bring myself to let many people in. How I didn’t have anyone to turn to.”

Maddie looks like she’s holding back so much as she tells him sincerely, “I’m sorry.”

“I- I don’t mean to make you feel sorry for me, I just want to you to know that I- I get it. And it’s okay to realize sometimes that people we thought when we were younger were great, might not be.”

She nods, her eyes rolling a little in some kind of bitter humour as she tells him, “Like Doug you mean.”

“No I… Maddie I can’t begin to understand what you’ve been through, but… But you don’t have to apologize for your parents. Not to me. And as for Doug, no offense but he deserved worse.”

Maddie opens hr mouth as if to say something, but on second thought she doesn’t. Instead she leans back and sips her coffee. “Thank you.”

“And just so you know, me and Eddie, and our other friend, Hen. We’re all looking out for Buck. He’s the last person who deserves to be in there and we’re going to help you find a good lawyer for him. I know it’s not much, but I have about eight grand saved up, I want you to have it.” Chimney explains, but Maddie is already shaking her head, eyes wide and panicked.

“No, no I can’t ask that of you.”

“I’m not asking you to. It’s not- It’s for Buck, okay?” _And you._ “Please, just for him, take it.”

And that’s her weak point it seems because she crumbles and before Chimney can blink a hand is on his, eyes flickering with maybe something more too. “Thank you. I- I don’t know what else to say. No one’s ever… Just thank you.”

Chimney moves his hand a little until he’s holding back just as gently, softly. “You’re not alone in this anymore, Maddie, neither of you are.” _I promise._

She takes her hand back slowly and nods. “That’s going to be hard to get used to.” She laughs a little, adorably, and Chimney’s hard beats a little more because of it.

“We’ve got time.” He says back as he leans in his chair and reaches for the menu. “But first we better eat.”

They’ve got all the time in the world. Buck on the other hand, does not. He can see the reflection of that same sentiment in Maddie’s eyes, because the longer Buck’s in there, the harder it’s going to be for him to come out. Chimney vows to make sure that neither Buck nor Maddie have to wait too long. He’ll sell an organ if he has to. If only to see that breathless smile from Maddie, the one with nothing holding it down, not a care in the world at all.

“Their pancakes look good.” 

~

“Did you run out of books to bring Buck or what?” Chimney can’t help but ask as he opens the locker room door and stares at the brightly painted half folded piece of paper in Eddie’s hands. It’s only them here for the time being so Chimney has no qualms with teasing him, if only just a little.

Eddie half smiles sarcastically. “It’s from Christopher.” As soon as he says his son’s name, the words turn softer and his smile is kinder. Chimney takes a closer look at it and finds it to be a card, similar to the one he received when he was injured here a couple years ago. It said ‘to Chimney,’ and had a chimney on it along with the sun and a smiling face. Chimney couldn’t be mad about the chimney part when the kid was right there stealing his jello. Eddie came in a few minutes later frazzled and worried, and apologizing, but he had nothing to be sorry for then, or now.

It was then that Chimney saw how much Eddie might have been struggling, the mask slipping just a little, enough for him to peak underneath and see the single father back from military service, dropped into a new kind of war. Eddie plays it well, and he’s never let any emotion slip. He’s never let his kid’s name pass his lips between these walls either. Chimney understood, to a certain extent. The men here, if they had leverage, they’d use it for all that it’s worth, some of them anyway. Chimney didn’t think it would be a big deal to talk about it in the breakroom, but apparently Eddie does, or did. And now all of the sudden he says his name with ease, all because of Buck.

“I told him that I had a friend who wasn’t feeling well, and he made this for him.” Eddie explains, then with eyes snapping up asks, “You didn’t tell Maddie he got hurt did you?”

Chimney puts his hands up, just the littlest bit offended, but he gets it. He was just with her for breakfast and it was really hard not to say anything. He’s afraid next time he will slip up, he can’t keep a secret for the life of him and from Maddie of all people. The only thing that kept his lips shut were her exhausted eyes and trying smile. Besides it wasn’t that bad. “No, Eddie, I did not tell Buck’s sister that he got stabbed one last time, because of the blood for blood code here.”

“It’s the last time, Chimney. He’s going to be fine after this.” Eddie continues as they get ready, and Chimney’s not sure if he’s trying to convince him or himself now.

“Yeah.” He replies, unsure what else to say, but after all the teasing Eddie’s given him he can’t help but say, “So this Buck has you sneaking in a card for him from superman and you are talking about him openly… Hm…”

“Chimney.” Eddie says warningly, but it’s more of an exasperated sigh, as though he doesn’t understand it himself. Chimney smiles, chuckling a little. He’s loving this. Despite the terrible circumstances, seeing Eddie somewhat vulnerable is new. Seeing him care about something else, something more, is rare.

“What are we talking about?” And then suddenly Hen’s there a devious grin on her lips that has Eddie closing his eyes and sighing all over again, as if to say, ‘this is really my life, huh?’

“Eddie’s giving Buck a card from Christopher, telling him to get better.”

“Superman?” Hen perks up as she looks to Eddie. “Wow. You’re telling Buck about him? That’s trust right there. Just last week you wouldn’t let us speak of the little man. How is he by the way? Is he adjusting after Ana?”

“He’s fine.” Eddie says shortly as he laces up his boots. “He didn’t really like her all that much anyway.”

“And what about you?” Hen continues.

Chimney looks from her to Eddie who shakes his head and ignores the question by saying, “We’re going to be late.” Eddie disappears out of the locker room and Hen looks up to him with a questioning gaze. All Chimney can do is shrug. But just as he does so, his phone beeps. He quickly takes it out and stares a little longer than he should at the sender’s name. A smile on his lips unhelped as he opens up the message.

**Maddie:** _Thx for breakfast. It was fun. Maybe we can do it again sometime? x_

Chimney feels heart speed up a little, excitement rushing in as he texts back hastily, as though she won’t get it or something if he doesn’t, ‘ _you bet. :) I can’t cook so I go there a lot lol.’_ He hits send, a little nervous about that last part but he leaves it anyway, leaving room for more conversation. He doesn’t want to say goodbye just yet. He never does in fact.

“Wow, so Eddie’s not the only one breaking down walls, huh?” Hen asks and suddenly she’s there looking over his shoulder.

He startles, pulling away with a glare that has Hen chuckling as she moves away from him. “Not cool, Hen. And it’s not what you think.” He tries to defend.

“You told her you couldn’t cook, must be love.” Hen sing songs as she follows after Eddie, leaving Chimney with reddening cheeks and a heart that sings, because yeah, maybe it is. He certainly never felt this way about Marie, or anyone else. The way Maddie looks at him, he feels free.

~

Buck’s birthday is a few months later, and Eddie comes in with a package of cookies, chocolate chip with a little caramel in them. Must be Buck’s favourite if Chimney had to guess. He himself had breakfast with Maddie that morning and they talked about cats. He has a Siamese cat from a woman down the hall who passed away, a bit of a sad story but Maddie seemed happy to see his pictures. She showed her own cat, an orange and white one named, ‘Mouse.’ His own is ‘Chedder.’ They both had a laugh at that one.

“Could you give this to Buck when you see him? It’s a letter from Maddie, she wanted him to open it today.” He asks Eddie with a small grin as he thinks of Maddie’s own as she handed it over, tinged in sorrow as it always has been, even in the happiest moments. One day she will smile though, and Chimney can’t wait. Today it was an easier one all the same though, despite the sadness because they’ve finally arrived at the appointment with the lawyer. The one that costs over twenty grand to get a hold of, and in turn they had to wait almost four months.

“Sure.” Eddie says easily as Hen watches them with raised eyebrows.

“What’s with all the gifts?” She inquires.

And without missing a beat him and Eddie both turn to her and say at the same time, “It’s Buck’s birthday.”

Chimney looks to Eddie awkwardly and Eddie looks back much the same. Today the universe is filled with many coincidences. He wonders why, but he hopes it’s a good thing. Like good news with the lawyer. He’s been doing some research himself and apparently it takes months for an appeal to be heard. Maybe even years. They need to get the ball rolling, and they need to do it now. The sooner the better.

Hen clucks her tongue and shakes her head. “You two and the Buckley’s.” She says.

“It’s not like that.” Eddie cuts in, hands held out and eyes a little stormy, a little dangerous. He himself hasn’t teased Eddie much because he knows where he’s coming from but also he’s afraid of the anger he saw back when he got stabbed, coming out. Eddie almost killed the guy, which was soon after his wife left him, but still. It was tough to watch. Ever since then he sees the way Eddie grips onto doors tighter than necessary, eyes filled with an undying rage. It’s not that bad, usually but ever since Buck has wormed his way into their lives, Eddie seems to be getting worse. Or maybe it’s something else. Chimney’s tried talking to him, but all Eddie wants to do is going to the gym and hit a punching bag. Maybe he should try Bobby again.

Hen throws her hands up. “Excuse me, Mr. I need to give Buck a new book every week and see him every other day.”

Eddie slams the locker door shut, making him jump out of his skin. “Watch it, you almost gave me a heart attack.” He has to say, which doesn’t get him an apology but Eddie does look somewhat sorry, so that’s something he supposes, but just as suddenly it’s there, so is the anger. All-encompassing and boiling to the surface.

“Look, me and Buck, we’re friends, okay? Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean that everyone else is!” It’s a hushed whispered yell that has Hen almost gobsmacked, but she hides it well behind a glare that’s only the slightest bit shocked. Chimney knows her better than that though, always has. He can see the hurt there too, more than anything else.

It’s a testament to how hurt she really is when she walks out of the locker room without a second glance or anymore words to Eddie, just a silent glare and shocked filled glance sent his own way before she’s gone completely. Now he’s angry as he leans closer to Eddie and tells him plainly, “That was out of line. I don’t know what’s wrong with you, man, but you need to get it together. Hen’s just being Hen, and she’s your friend, _our friend._ Who do you think’s been looking out for Buck when we’re not here? Besides, she has our back, you’re supposed to have hers.”

“And what about Buck, huh?” Eddie snaps as he stands up straighter, even more anger to him than before and Chimney is honestly at a loss. What the hell happened? It just doesn’t make sense.

“We’re looking out for him, Eddie, what’s with you, man? Today we should be smiling. I mean, it’s Buck’s birthday and we’re finally going to see this lawyer that costs an arm and a leg. Just go and apologize to Hen, and then sort your crap out later. Buck can’t afford for you or I to take our eyes off of the ball today.”

Eddie’s anger dissipates word by word until he’s all guilt and a nod that’s still somehow angry. “I know.” He says quickly. “I just…”

“What?” And Chimney is all ears, he really is, because he can be an asshole too sometimes, but they forgive each other, all three of them, Bobby and Athena too, because they’re family. A bond like that forming over life and death, it doesn’t go away so easily.

“It’s my wife.”

“Your wife? You mean, Shannon?”

Eddie nods his head and slips his eyes shut tightly. “Fuck.” He whispers and it startles Chimney because he’s never really heard Eddie swear much before, never so blatantly. By product of having a young kid he always assumed. “She’s back. Something about a job offer and wanting to be a mom again, and we- we…”

“Oh.” Chimney says as Eddie trails off, eyes desperate and angry, more so at himself it seems though. Because wow. “ _Oh._ ”

“Now I’m the one fucking up and Buck needs me.”

“First things first, apologize to Hen. And then, tell Buck the truth otherwise he’ll learn it from Maddie because I for one cannot keep a secret. I think we all know that by now.”

Finally, Eddie cracks a smile as they both think back to the ‘baby’ incident. Boy was Athena pissed. Thankfully May wasn’t pregnant and it was a whole big misunderstanding. But they don’t speak of that anymore…

“Buck won’t care. Why would he?” Eddie says back and then heads out to presumably apologize to Hen, maybe offer her free babysitting for Denny and Nia which is well deserved after the amount of times the two of them have been clashing heads lately. If Chimney had to guess he’d say it’s because they’re so alike, family people, a little on the fruiter side, and strong willed in their beliefs. Never giving an inch. It’s a miracle they’ve become friends and stayed friends this long as is.

But damn. Hen is right. And Eddie is a freaking idiot. _I mean, his Ex-wife? Really!?_ He’s got to text Maddie about this. Oh, wait. Maybe give Eddie a day first, maybe two. It is Buck’s birthday after all, but knowing Eddie he’ll probably tell Buck anyway. He apparently doesn’t notice the soft looks from Buck, nor the way his eyes light up when the other is around, how happy he gets. Eddie much the same.

Just friends or not, one things for certain, if he ever looked at Hen like that, Karen would deck him. And so would Hen.

~

Later that night after Eddie’s agreed to watch Denny and Nia on a Saturday night the following week and now has officially made up with Hen, they’re off to the lawyer’s. A Preston and LeRoy firm. They handle the biggest cases around and it’s truly a miracle that they got in, but the firm has a soft spot for delinquent kids who have been screwed over. Eddie rides in the back with himself and Maddie up front, and Chimney tries not to laugh at the image. It’s really not funny but Eddie is sort of pouting and so he looks a little like a big kid, thirty or not.

If he had to guess, he’d say it has something to do with Shannon. Technically they’re still married so he should stopping calling her the ex, and also the fact that they’re apparently sleeping or slept together… Chimney’s uncertain of the details, honestly he doesn’t want to know. He just doesn’t want Buck getting hurt, or Maddie. Maddie who smiles at him from across her seat. Hair pushed back behind her ear, and smile wide and hopeful. Almost entirely free from pain or sorrow. It’s beautiful. She’s beautiful.

“Hi, how can I help you today?” The secretary asks as they walk up. Her hair pinned up neatly and smile kind. Her nametag reads, ‘Ali.’

“I’m Maddie Buckley, we have an appointment.” Maddie steps forward, purse in hand and words strong just like her.

“One moment please.” Ali says gently before she phones in, asking whoever the lawyer is if they’re ready to see them. She nods almost to herself and hangs up. “Right this way.” She says as she stands.

They’re led into a small conference room, with high windows and a big desk and lots of chairs. It’s very professional, and expensive. Chimney wonders briefly if they’ll be able to afford this guy for Buck’s whole case. If an appeal happens, either the case is dismissed or there’s a retrial. The second option will be far more expensive than the first, and far too much out of their budget really.

“Hi, sorry to keep you waiting. I’m Michael Grant.”

Chimney pause, freezing up as Eddie does the same, as all three of them turn and face Athena’s ex-husband. “And this is my associate, Shannon… Oh.”

_Oh._

Right, Shannon’s a paralegal, last Chimney heard. Did she pass the bar? She certainly looks very professionally pretty. Very hardworking and focused, and maybe he used to have a little crush on her. But she’s nothing compared to Maddie who’s beautiful to her soul. Not that Shannon’s not, just, Chimney doesn’t feel the same way about her as he does Maddie. Maddie’s fresh air, coming up after a terrible storm. 

“Shannon?” Eddie asks incredulously, just as Michael asks, “Chimney? Eddie?”

And, yeah, he really should have paid more attention at the Grant-Nash Christmas party the year before last when he was talking to Michael. He swears he thought the name of the firm was familiar, he just didn’t realize why or how. He’s sure Michael told him but he must have forgotten. Huh. Small world.

“Do you guys… Know each other?” Maddie asks a little confused, a small smile playing her lips that’s almost humorous, but is filled with more confusion than anything else.

Chimney chuckles, rubbing his neck nervously as she blinks up at him. And for a second he can’t breathe. His heart skips a beat at the way she looks at him. Thankfully, Eddie steps in and says, “Yeah, we do.” Just as Shannon asks, “Eddie what are you doing here?”

Eddie replies with his own passive-aggressive question of, “So this is your new job? Why you really came here?” The anger seems to be returning.

Maybe they should be having this meeting over drinks.

Either way, in the end, an appeal gets filed.

~

It shouldn’t surprise him really when they all get a call from Athena about an ‘extended’ family dinner. By that she means Michael, Shannon, and Maddie are all invited. Chimney can’t blame her, this is a situation that now involves them all, although Eddie doesn’t seem as pleased about it. In fact he looks nervous, and Chimney can understand why. He’s been there before, unsure and new into the fold although Eddie is anything but new to this. But he is more closed off and likes to keep his problems to himself. Letting Athena and Bobby near is probably difficult, but for himself, he’s thrilled. He’s missed Athena and Bobby, they don’t get to see as much of each other like they used to.

“We’re all invited.” Chimney explains to Maddie over breakfast of the day of the dinner. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, but getting to eat food that Athena and Bobby have cooked together is the real treat.”

Maddie laughs, not unkindly, just nervously as she picks at her waffles. “Sorry, I’m just… Everything’s happening so fast and it’s hard to believe that they want me there.”

Chimney leans in at that, concern burrowing in his stomach. “Hey, they’d love to meet you, and they’re very understanding. Trust me when I say that. Bobby’s made his fair share of mistakes too. They understand.”

Maddie looks up that, eyes almost hopeful. “Really?” She laughs a little. “It feels odd though. Like maybe Buck should be coming too.”

“In a way he is, right? If you’re there, I mean. And it’s Michael’s family, he’s helping Buck. He’s on our side, they all are.”

“They’ve all probably watched the news when the trial was happening.”

Chimney can’t deny that, he himself caught a few glimpses of it, and he’s a little ashamed now at how narrowed minded he was. How he just accepted whatever the media threw at him. But honestly, it was mostly about the opinions of everyone else. The few facts that they did share were always obscured by speculation.

“They’re smart people, and they make their own choices, and they’ll love you. How could they not?” Chimney smiles as Maddie’s cheeks redden a little.

“I don’t know about that, but he’s helping Buck, so of course I’ll come.”

He offers to drive her but she declines and in the end they make their separate ways over. It’s not as awkward as he thought it would be, but whenever Eddie and Shannon are within the same distance, he feels chills, but they put up a good front. Something they must be used to for Christopher’s sake. Unless Eddie really hasn’t let her see him yet, but Chimney’s sure that wouldn’t stop her, or even if he can. She’s his mom. She may have left, but Chimney remembers one drunken night, all of them together when Eddie whispered hoarsely, ‘I left first.’ In the end Eddie decided not to drink with them anymore. Closing up even more as she disappeared from their lives.

“Chimney, it’s been far too long, and who’s this beautiful woman on your arm. Never thought I’d see the day he’d find someone good enough for him.” Athena’s voice is warm and loud, but full of light teasing. And of life.

Maddie’s cheeks are red, they bumped into each other outside, but she doesn’t correct her. Say that they’re not together or that they’re only friends, and that makes Chimney’s heart soar. Beat wildly. A million times happier than when he first arrived. “Hi, I’m Maddie.”

She goes to shake her hand up Athena quickly says, “We’re huggers here.” And Chimney doesn’t follow that but he can see in the way that Athena is careful, that she might know more than she should. Chimney’s sure Michael wouldn’t have told her, but then again Athena’s always been smarter than the room. She might have caught the way Maddie flinched a little when he bumped into her earlier by accident.

“And you must be Shannon, Michael’s new associate. Hello.” She shakes Shannon’s hand this time and Chimney supresses a smile, but then they’re pulling each other into a quick hug. Athena might be a little more prejudiced because of how she hasn’t been around for Christopher, but then again she doesn’t know the whole story. Maybe they’re all a bit prejudiced in some way or another, whether they mean to be or not.

“I’m Bobby.” Bobby introduces next, a hand held out that Maddie shakes. “You and your brother are both welcome here any time.”

She smiles, genuinely, and a little caught off guard. Surprised even, but it’s the happy kind, and really Bobby just has that effect. Makes people feel safe and cared for. It’s probably why at the prison people started calling him, ‘dad’. As a joke at first, but then it sort of stuck as a nickname until his departure into better things. “Thank you. I’ll make sure to tell him that for when he gets out.”

And unlike before where there was hesitancy on the situation with Buck, this time there’s a soft fire lighted in Maddie’s eyes. A steely determination that makes Chimney somewhat proud. _That’s his girl._

“Shall we eat?” Athena asks. “Dinner’s set.”

“It seems delicious. I’m starving.” Hen chimes in, as Karen smiles fondly at her.

They quickly take their places and say a small prayer, an added in one for their friends and the case that makes Maddie seem more at ease. Chimney knows that she was uncertain before about coming, but as the chatter turns friendly, and as she’s included in it all, he sees the way she relaxes. Feels like she belongs somehow. He wonders if she ever really had that. Between her parents and Doug, was she ever really free? Were either of them?

“It feels weird.” Eddie whispers beside him for only them to hear as he reaches for the potatoes. “Like Buck should be here or something.”

Chimney pours some more wine and says back easily, “He is.”

In a way. His presence is everywhere, it’s what brought them all here together. This dinner isn’t just to get them to be acquainted with each other, but it’s also for Buck. For the kid that they all want to save.

He wonders if Buck knows how many people really care about him. It won’t make his cell seem any less empty, but maybe it would be a little less cold.

~

It’s simple really, what breaks the camel’s back in the end. They get off topic as they usually do, and with some wine here and there, they all get talking until Karen starts explaining how Denny sprained his wrist. Maddie laughs a little and explains how Buck did the same. “He was passing a football and- and just landed on it funny.”

“When was this?” Asks Hen, smile on her lips.

And that’s what does it, the way Maddie freezes a little and says, “Just before…” She trails off and the conversation dies a little. Chimney’s feels coldness seep into his bones. Silently he offers his hand and she takes it. A grateful smile on her lips now as Hen changes the subject by saying, “Well at least he didn’t break his arm. How is Harry doing with that?”

“Almost completely healed.” Athena tells her. “That boy gets into all sorts of trouble these days.”

The conversation takes off after that, but strangely enough, both Maddie and Michael are very quiet. Shannon’s smiles are strained, and Chimney feels like there’s something he’s just not getting. As though he’s being silently lied to. It feels like an uncomfortable crumbling in his chest, like he’s swallowed tons of paper, but he doesn’t take his hand out of Maddie’s. Instead he just tries to breathe through dinner without saying anything. Hand reaching for another glass of wine.

~

The second glass of wine is a mistake as soon as he’s had it. Hen likes to make fun of him for his small bladder, but really it’s not his fault. It’s the genes. He makes it out of the bathroom quickly though, ready to join the party again when Michael pulls him aside into a room that must have his office at one point. “Michael?” He questions.

Michael flips the light on, eyes cagey and looking through the door before shutting it softly. “I need to talk to you.” He says seriously.

Chimney’s heart feels like it’s in his throat. Something really weird is going on here. Now, he’s certain of it. “What’s wrong?”

“Legally I can’t say anything.” Oh boy. “But Maddie just mentioned that sprain wrist that Buck had, just before.” Michael clarifies at the end for him, but Chimney gets it and its sinking in rather quickly, wine or no wine.

“He had a sprained wrist when Doug died.” Chimney explains quickly, but he’s not sure of the connection or why it matters, but clearly it does. “What’s your point?”

“My point is, that- that, just… Look.” There’s a file on a desk and Chimney would bet money that this might be verging on illegal.

“I- I can’t.” He hedges.

“Technically you helped pay my fee and technically you’re my client.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how that works Michael.” He’s angry now, but he’s more afraid, of what is in that file and what this means. What it could be.

“You know what happened, Buck killed Doug defending Maddie. There’s record of abuse, a nurse named Omar who witnessed it, and who was probably paid off not to testify. That’s what happened.”

Michael looks more and more anxious by the second, as though he’s going to explode, before finally he just opens the file and Chimney almost flinches away at the sight of Doug, dead across his kitchen floor. Michael flips to another paper to a more cleaner version where it’s just his upper body, than on his side. His autopsy. “The way Buck explains it, doesn’t add up with the injuries.” Michael states clearly. “He says that Maddie was being choked and that he was beside them, that he stabbed him as he looked up, and then stabbed him behind again. Only… If what Buck is saying is right, with a sprained wrist, he’d never have been able to do that with where he was standing. I’ve talked to medical experts and blood analyst experts. It’s just not possible.”

Chimney stares, all the blood rushing to his head, before he finally looks up and stares at Michael, uncomprehendingly. “What the hell are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying that the only other person there was Maddie… I’m saying that she can’t be trusted… I’m saying, what if it wasn’t Buck who killed Doug, but Maddie?”

 _“She can’t be trusted.”_ That just sounds **wrong**. Chimney feels sick.

~

He has a fourth glass of wine and then a fifth and pretty soon he’s being ushered home in Eddie’s car. Usually Hen would drive him home, but Eddie’s still apologizing so the responsibility lands on him. Chimney’s too out of it, mind swirling with alcohol and confusion, because none of this makes sense. If Maddie… If it was her, it was self-defense. She could testified to that. To the abuse. To all of it. At the very most she would have gotten a couple years behind bars, but even more likely, she wouldn’t have been convicted at all. So why would she allow Buck to take the blame? That’s not like her. It’s just not. She wouldn’t do that to him, of that Chimney’s sure.

“I can hear you thinking.” Eddie says. “Is it because of Buck?”

Chimney freezes. Did Michael tell him too? “What do you mean?”

“I mean, he’s all alone at the prison… They are locked down for the night, but still...” Right, _Red._ But he’s gone, and Buck’s new ‘roommate’ is just a kid like himself. No matter how much Eddie seems bothered by him or more accurately how close they are, he wouldn’t hurt a fly.

Chimney sighs and leans back. “That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“Then what?”

And it burns on his lips, to say it, to speak it. To make it real. He can’t keep a secret on the best of days, but now he’s had wine and he’s loose lipped, and he’s so confused that it just comes out. Blurts it. Trickles down into Eddie’s ear. Something he maybe wasn’t supposed to hear. “I think Maddie killed Doug, not Buck.” That’s not exactly what he meant to say, but it’s what he’s thinking, and when he does say it out loud, he finds that he really does, truly, believe it. No matter how much he’s certain that Maddie would never let Buck take the blame like this, he believes it.

_So why hasn’t she come forward? Told the truth? Why lie? What exactly is going on?_

“What?” Eddie asks incredulously, but before Chimney can elaborate he finds the wine settling into his blood, dragging him under. A fever dream filled with Doug’s body and a kitchen floor taking hold. Maddie holding a knife. 

_His girl._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the plot thickens.. Thank you for all your support, it means a great deal to me! And if you have the time, leave a comment and let me know what you think, and what your ideas/theories are! :)


	6. Eddie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did you really kill Doug?”  
>  Buck blinks taking a step back in shock, and gentle surprise. “How can you ask me that? I mean…” He laughs a little. “Look at where I am Eddie.”   
>  And Eddie is looking. He’s looking maybe for the first time since whatever this is, started. And what he sees, shocks him just as much as it doesn’t.   
> _You didn’t kill him, did you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your support, and comments, I really appreciate them! Enjoy. :)

“Chimney pick up your fucking phone. I need to talk to you.” Eddie half yells into the device. He’s freaking out, hasn’t been able to sleep since that night a few days ago where Chimney admitted the worst. Eddie thought maybe he was just drunk, drank a little too much but he knows him. He’s been friends with Chimney for years, and when he said that, Chimney really believed it, but why? What makes him think that? And more importantly, is it the truth?

It makes him unbelievably angry at the possibility, at Maddie letting Buck take the blame. Buck’s whole life is down the drain, and if she knows something more than why hasn’t she said? What’s wrong with her that she’d let her own brother go to prison for something she did? In retrospect it makes more sense. He can’t see Buck killing someone, and yet… He stabbed Rogers, but that was different… Or was it?

“Dad? I’m hungry. W- When’s l- lunch?” Christopher asks from where he colours in his book, eyes happy and smile light.

Eddie smiles at him aware, that he might have been speaking too loud. He tries not to swear around Christopher, but even he makes mistakes. “Sorry, buddy, I’m right on it.” But just as he says that a knock is sounded at their door. Christopher perks up just as he walks over and opens it, coming face to face with his wife. It steals his breath away, not to see her again because they’ve already said their ‘hellos,’ but because she’s here. At the house where Christopher can see. He hasn’t seen her in over four years.

Quickly he blocks Christopher’s view, yelling over his shoulder, “I’ll be right back!” He shuts the door and glares silently at Shannon who crosses her arms, mouth set in a tight line.

“What are you doing here? I thought we had an understanding.”

Shannon shakes her head. “We didn’t agree on anything, Eddie, and maybe if we could have a conversation with our clothes on, we could.”

Eddie feels shame burn him as he avoids her eyes, unable to meet them in the face of that truth. “Sorry.” He feels like he needs to say.

She laughs almost brightly. “It takes two to tango, doesn’t it? Anyway, I- I think there’s been some kind of misunderstanding and I want to see our son. You know when I got that call from your parents about you taking the money out, I thought it was because you, or Christopher were in some kind of trouble. I rushed here as fast as I could.”

Eddie nods. “I’m sorry, for making you come here, but you don’t have to stay.” He’s not sorry for taking the money without asking first, she gave up that right a long time ago, but then again so did he.

“Of course I’m staying, I should have- I should have come sooner but I wasn’t sure you wanted me to.”

“And what about Christopher? What about what he wants?”

Her face breaks a little at the mention of him, and Eddie’s heart does too. “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for.”

“No, you’re right. Besides, I did leave him, and you… But you left us first. Look, it doesn’t matter, but we’ve both screwed up. You got a second chance, why can’t I? I love him too much not to try, and so do you.”

He knows that she’s right, but it’s hard and it’s new, and he’s still getting used to her being here, he has no idea what this is going to do to Christopher, if he even wants to see her. Christopher hasn’t mentioned his mom in a long time. He still has her photograph framed by his bed, the one with all three of them at the park, but other than that… She’s been like a ghost. Now she’s real, right here standing in front of him asking for another chance.

She’s given himself more than a fair few. Maybe it’s about time that he did the same. “I’d have to- I’d have to ask him first.”

She nods. “Of course.” A small awkward silence between them before she says, “You have my number.”

It takes him a minute, but finally, he reaches out for her, only for her to pull away just as suddenly. “Call me when you know. I- I have to get to work.”

Eddie feels like he should say more, like maybe she wants to, but in the end there’s only silence. Two waves moving away from the other instead of crashing against each other like the first time they saw each other again only a couple weeks ago. It feels wrong not to have her warmth surrounding him, feels weird to. But ever since she learned of Buck, and the full story, she’s been distant. Eddie can sort of understand why, or maybe he can’t. Maybe he doesn’t know.

“Dad!”

“Coming!” He yells back as he walks back into their house. He’s got get his son some dinner, and then he needs to find Chimney, and get to the bottom of what happened that night with Buck, Maddie, and Doug. It’s important, but his son is smiling at him and Shannon’s words echo, suddenly he has too many decisions to make.

~

He finds Chimney in the locker room, face almost distant in thought. It’s what tightens Eddie’s resolve about what he heard the other night and before he can think to stop himself or take this slower, more cautiously, he’s walking up to the other man. Long and purposeful steps that only end when they’re finally facing each other. “Oh, hey, Eddie.” Chimney says but his smile isn’t as it usually is. He looks nervous and unsure, and guilty in a way Eddie’s never seen before.

“About the other night…” Eddie starts, but Chimney is already laughing, too loud to be real.

“Oh, yeah, thanks for getting me home. Sorry for drinking too much and having Hen put me in your hands.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about… You said-”

“I said a lot of things.” Chimney cuts off. “I was drunk, and I have to go. Shift starts now.” He’s out of the room before Eddie can even blink and that in itself is suspicious. Chimney doesn’t like to rush, he likes to take his time, especially after the weekend, laziness creeping in but now he’s rushing out. Gone in a heartbeat and saying he was drunk when Eddie knows he just had a couple over the limit.

Eddie knows that he might not get anywhere with Chimney, but later he does try again, only for Chimney to brush him of all the same. Citing that he drank too much and that it was obviously Buck that of course it was because he’s here. And because of other evidence. Things Eddie doesn’t like to think about. In the end, he decides to talk to Buck about it. If anyone should know, it’s him, and he’d never lie right? Not to him at least. Except for that one time when he said he was fine, but ended up getting stabbed by Rogers all over again. Thankfully, it really seems to be the last time. He hasn’t been hurt since. He even got a new ‘roommate.’ Eddie’s not particularly fond of him or the way he latches himself onto Buck, but it’s better than Red. Anyone’s better than him.

“Here.” Eddie says as he puts the book on Buck’s lap. Buck who looks up at him with a large smile that’s more beautiful than he deserves.

“More aliens?” He asks with waggling eyebrows.

Eddie laughs, and reaches for the apple he snuck in, rolling it on Buck’s bed, watching at it makes a stop at the latest paperback he’s gotten for Buck. Some of them are his, most he buys either new or second hand. He prefers giving Buck ones that will allow him to keep them, to hold onto them for as long as he wants or needs. “I thought you liked aliens.”

“Yeah, but you don’t.”

“I prefer what’s real.”

Buck’s smile falters a little. “I’m tired of real.”

Eddie feels his heart drop a little as he looks around the small cell, and the way Buck’s eyes are filled with dark shadows. “Still not sleeping?”

“Who can sleep in a place like this?”

Eddie nods. “I have trouble too sometimes.” He coughs a little, awkward and unsure in the face of anything real himself. “I guess that’s not very comparable.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Buck offers and it’s kind, serious, laced with concern.

Eddie counters easily with, “Do you?”

Buck falters at that, eyes looking down to the book in his lap, picking it up and inspecting it carefully. A smile tinged on his lips as he looks up again with, “It looks great. The apple too but you know I prefer those cookies.”

Eddie nods, a small smile making its way out, and watches as Buck picks it up, biting into it easily, his arms a little bigger than he last remembers. Buck must be working out more. “Going to the gym?” He casually asks.

“Not much else to do here, Eddie, besides, I’ve got to be strong.” S _tronger._

“You are.” Eddie says and it comes out without him meaning to say it. His stomach all jumbled up as Buck’s eyes clear into something more meaningful, but then they’re clouded again as he asks, “How’s Shannon?”

He sighs, he can’t help it. He doesn’t want to think about her or the situation with Christopher. He doesn’t know how to broach the subject with his son, or even what the right thing is right now with all of this. Buck’s the anchor in this never-ending storm called life. That much is certain. Maybe it’s because he’s a prisoner with so obvious a need to fix the wrongs against him, maybe it’s something else. But Buck’s the only thing he’s sure about right now, getting him out. “She wants to see Christopher.”

Buck looks almost offended on his behalf. “Didn’t she leave him?”

“I left first.” And he’s never really told anyone that, sober at least. It shocks him the way he can, with Buck. So easily do the words roll off of his tongue.

Buck nods. “So you want to give her another chance? Be a family again.” There’s something sorry there, something wishful too. And despite whatever pain there is in those blue eyes, Buck smiles and says, “You should go for it. Every kid deserves to have a family, and with a dad as great as you-”

He laughs a little, unable not to. Buck’s confused expression just makes him laugh harder. “I’m sorry, it’s just, I’ve failed that kid more times than I can count.”

Buck frowns as he stands up until they’re facing each other. “But you came back and you keep trying. I don’t think you’re failing. You’re a good dad, Eddie, trust me, I know.”

And he does trust him. Never told anyone in these walls about Christopher until Buck. Never wanted to until now. He knows Buck won’t sell him out to the other prisoners or use it as leverage, but more than that, the way Buck’s eyes lighted up at the get well card, it was truly everything. Made him warm and happy, and seeing some kind of future where he meets…

“Are you okay?” Buck asks, eyes narrowing a little in concern.

Eddie nods, biting back the sudden unexpected tears. “Yeah, Buck. Look, there’s something I need to ask you.”

“What?” Buck’s face is open and honest, and Eddie is in awe of that after everything he’s been through, but maybe it’s because he’s the only one who hasn’t given up on him. He broke a little, here now in Buck’s honesty he can admit it to himself. He went online and searched a little, and what he found broke his heart. And made him angry, and lost all at once. Confused, because Maddie wasn’t at his trial for most of it. Was it guilt that stopped her?

“Did you really kill Doug?”

Buck blinks taking a step back in shock, and gentle surprise. “How can you ask me that? I mean…” He laughs a little. “Look at where I am Eddie.”

And Eddie is looking. He’s looking maybe for the first time since whatever this is, started. And what he sees, shocks him just as much as it doesn’t.

_You didn’t kill him, did you?_

~

Buck says that he did it. Says that he can check the 9-1-1 tape, but it sounds desperate. Why would someone try to convince him so thoroughly that he didn’t do it? Eddie’s not sure, he’s just as lost as Chimney was that night, but when he tries to talk to Chimney, he says he was drinking and that he didn’t mean it. And Eddie doesn’t know what else to do. He wants to push Buck, to push Chimney, and maybe even Maddie, but then Shannon invites him out for dinner and maybe she can give him some answers.

Maybe he can find a way to let her in.

“Hey.” She says and she’s beautiful. Eddie remembers the first time they met and he’s taken back, but all his thoughts can echo as he greets her is, _Buck Buck Buck._

“Hi.” He kisses her cheek and she lets him.

“It’s a really nice place that you’ve picked.”

“Thank you.”

They’re seated outside amongst a terrace and Shannon asks for white wine. He has red. Some things never change, although after the last few days of trying to figure this whole thing out, he could use a beer. Maybe some whiskey. “Oh no, you’ve got that Diaz thinking face on. You know Christopher does the same thing when he’s trying to figure something out.” She tells him plainly, and Eddie laughs.

“I don’t know about that.”

“He takes after you more than you think, Eddie.”

“I could say the same about you.” He can’t help but add, making her smile a little pleased and surprised even.

“Have you talked to him?”

“Not yet.” He’s not sure how to, and he feels a little guilty for that. He doesn’t mean to make Shannon wait, it’s just hard, for him. Communication has always been hard for him but when it comes to Christopher, to being a dad. Every move feels like the wrong one. ‘ _You’re a great dad, Eddie.’_ Buck’s voice echoes.

“I will, soon.” He promises her, and she nods as the waiter comes over to take their order. Shannon orders mushroom ravioli, he has the steak. “I do want this to work, for Christopher.”

He gestures between the both of them and Shannon’s mouth downturns, making his heart hammer loudly. A nervous sweat on his palms as he feels that familiar old dread weigh him down. Just like when she first left. “Shan?”

“Eddie, I think we both know that this isn’t going to work.” She moves her hands between them much like he did and his heart falls even more. “I’m always going to be here for you, and for Christopher. I want us to get along, be friends, for him, but ‘us…’ I think we’re long past saving, don’t you?”

“No.” He says, but it comes out angrier than he intends, hands curling into fists as she bites her lip, eyes watching.

“I know it’s hard, but it’s time that we finally, finalized our divorce. Move on.”

“But you- We…” He can hardly get the words out.

“I know. But that was, that just, it just happened.” She rationalizes and Eddie wants to hate her, but a big part of himself is tired of lying to himself. He knows, he knows that she’s right. But that’s only one part of him, the other part wants to hold on. To cling to them. To this. She’s his family.

“Hey.” She says like she can read his mind, and she always used to be so good at that at the worst of times. Her hands finds his all the same, curled around his shaking one.s “I still love you, I’ll always love you, just not- not how it used to be.”

“So you’re giving up?”

“Eddie, don’t do this. You know it’s not like that.”

He hates how his voice breaks when he says, “You’re my family, Shan.”

“We’ll always be family, Eddie.” And she looks a little like she’s going to cry too. “But lovers? Nah. We were always better friends.” She tries to smile, but this hurts her too it seems.

He hates how right she is though, and then there food is here, and he’s left eating, stomach like stone. For the rest of dinner, they barely talk. His intentions when he first arrived shifting way for the grief that naturally comes. _Divorce._ Such an ugly word. Such a necessary one sometimes.

When he gets home later that night and tucks Christopher in tightly, his son looks up to the photograph of all three of them at the park. He smiles sadly and Eddie asks the question, “Do you miss her?”

The look Christopher gives him is surprised and sad, and he smiles almost ashamed. It breaks Eddie’s heart. “Y- Yeah. But she’ll come home, r- right? W- When grandma is better.”

And Eddie knows that he fucked up all over again. He keeps doing that. He never even thought of it like that but when he was overseas Shannon was with her mom a lot, bringing Christopher along. His parents were around too, but he knew his other grandma. The one with weathered hands and chocolate chip cookies. No stern words or harsh meanings. The woman who hugged him when he told her that he’d take care of her daughter, and their son. His mom never gave him that. Never bothered too. Just said, ‘that’s what you have to do.’ His father adding something about being a man. But Shannon’s mom, Lily, she just hugged him, and loved him. And that was all he ever wanted. And now…

Now…

She’s gone.

“Buddy, I…” But he trails off, staring into the expectant eyes of his son, because he doesn’t know how to answer that. How to explain when he can’t even explain it himself. He’s been selfish and cruel, and that much is certain. He didn’t want to think of Shannon or the mother he gained and lost, he didn’t even think about what Christopher wants or needs. How fucked up is that?

“Do you want to see your mom?” He asks instead.

And his son smiles sadly. “Only if y- you want to. I d- don’t want to if i- it makes you sad dad.”

The worst father. Truly.

“Hey, I’m not sad. I miss her too… I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

“It- it’s okay.”

He doesn’t deserve his son, he really doesn’t deserve to be his father at all.

_‘But you came back and you keep trying. I don’t think you’re failing. You’re a good dad, Eddie, trust me, I know.’_

“I’ll do better.” He promises.

Shannon comes over the next day and he pulls them both close, and feels a piece of himself slot back into place. His son smiles wider than he ever has before, and Shannon has never looked more happy. He wishes he could be just as joyous, but his actions weigh him down, and the impending divorce- that weight never lessens.

He wants to do the right thing. This is it. But so is getting Buck out that place, and if he has to ask the hard questions, then isn’t it worth a little suffering? Like now?

“Christopher, there’s something I have to tell you about your grandma.” Shannon starts as she holds his hand, himself wrapping an arm tightly around him. Encaging him in, as if to protect him from the whole world. As if that were possible.

~

Eddie’s not sure how to bring it up to Buck, or even how to get the words out. He watches his happy grin and animated eyes as he explains all about the alternate universe in the book he got him. He’s so happy and full of life, that’s not the face of a man who’s killed someone, is it? Despite not being able to bring it up out loud, he thinks about it all the time, wondering what the truth is. What really happened that night? And if Buck is really taking the blame for something his sister did.

It’s fucked up.

And unfair.

“Chimney’s been avoiding me lately.” He ends up saying in-between the pauses of Buck’s breath. It makes Buck still and look up, suddenly silent, and suddenly very nervous. He sits down and looks up with a tight smile, “Oh? Did you eat his donuts again?”

He’s making a joke, but neither of them are laughing. Buck is very close with Maddie, they send letters back and forth, and talk all the time on the phone. She visits every chance she can, and Buck looks forward to nothing more. It would make sense if Chimney told Maddie and somehow decided to take her side. For fucks sakes he’s in love with her. But what about Buck? Who’s on his side? Who’s looking out for just him?

“I think you know.” Eddie tries, and Buck looks down, hands curling on his knees.

“I don’t, Eddie.” His voice is darker and deeper, and Eddie’s starkly reminded of how he’s no longer seventeen or eighteen, but nineteen and counting. When the appeals heard, he’ll be twenty. When he first met him, he was wide eyed and trusting despite being screwed over, he thought in here it would be different, Eddie assumes. He was afraid of everything but his eyes didn’t scour a room looking for a knife, now they do. Now Buck is careful. Now Buck doesn’t sleep as soundly as he used to. The dark circles under his eyes never fail to remind Eddie of that fact.

Now he lies, as easily as breathing. Maybe he always has. Or maybe he himself just hasn’t been asking the right questions.

“Did you kill him, Buck? Because Chimney seems to think it was Maddie.” And it comes out in a rush, unmeaning to, but comes out all the same, and Buck looks up, eyes wide, shocked but not overly so. As though he were pretending. And suddenly he feels alone himself, as though he’s on the other side of the glass and they’re all the way over there, it hurts more that Buck has joined them. After everything he’s done for him. After…

“He was just drinking too much.”

Buck’s young, he doesn’t realize how much that solidifies his own suspicions.

He steps forward. “Buck if it wasn’t you, you definitely don’t deserve to be here.”

“But I do, Eddie.” He stands up and they’re toe to toe almost. “Stop, just, just stop asking. The appeal will be soon and Michael’s optimistic. So is your wife.”

He says the last part almost angrily and Eddie falters back a little as all that shit comes rushing in too. “She’s not my wife, Buck, at least not anymore.”

He’s caught Buck of guard, that much he can tell as Buck blinks for a few seconds and then says, “I’m sorry, Eddie. What happened?”

“It was over a long time ago.” He tells him, wanting to get this conversation over with, to get back to the point of it all, but as he says the words. He finds immense truth in them. It is over, and it hurts, and it’s liking losing… Something. But Shannon will always be a part of his life, and he’ll always love her, and somehow he feels like he can breathe easier. Not being expected to have her in his bed. To date and do all these things that are his duties as a husband. The things he’s supposed to be for her.

Buck reaches out, always a tactical person, even after everything, but Eddie flinches away. He doesn’t miss the look of hurt on Buck’s face, but this is about more than himself now. “Buck, I’m looking out for you. You can tell me what she did.”

He doesn’t realize until the words pass his lips how angry he is at Maddie. It’s easier to blame her, he supposes, but he tries to remember that Doug was abusive, and that Buck has a savior’s complex. Why else would he continuously take the beatings for new prisoners? Thankfully, he’s managed to convince him to stop. _Idiota._

“She didn’t do anything, Eddie.” Buck steps forward, almost angry himself, but then he falters and stops. His face cascades into something gentle as he reaches out and takes his hand, touching along gently, a barely there gesture that has his own heart speeding up and his cheeks growing warm for some reason. “Please Eddie, I’m asking you. Stop. It’s going to be fine. The appeal will come through and it will all work out.”

But as his eyes flicker to Buck’s he can see the underlying doubt there, and the urgency. For him to believe. To really stop asking. “I can’t do that Buck… Chimney might be protecting Maddie and so are you, but who’s protecting you? Who’s looking out for you? Who’s got your back?”

Buck smiles almost sadly, but covers it up with a larger faker grin. “I can look after myself, remember?”

Very slowly, Eddie reaches out with his free hand and slips it over Buck’s, so that his hand is encased between his two as he tells him seriously, “You don’t have to.”

It’s more intimate and true a promise than his wedding vows ever were.

“Please, Eddie, do this for me. Just until the appeal is over, after that… Just wait, _please._ ”

~

Chimney continues to avoid him, and in a way so does Maddie, but every time they catch a glimpse of the other, whether in the waiting room for visitors or somewhere else, she always looks like she wants to say something. Him to. But something holds them back, and they don’t, and the longer this drags on, the more Eddie’s afraid to ask. But he wants to and he will, except that Buck asked him not to.

In the past that’s never stopped him, someone asking him, but the way Buck asks. The way his heart beats, it feels wrong not to oblige, and soon after there are divorce papers in his lap. He gets distracted with Shannon and Christopher, and this new life that they have to try and figure out. Forge out of their old one. His parents call a lot and they’re angry about the money, but Eddie never gives up. He can’t.

Slowly but surely, he lets it go, for the sake of peace if nothing else, but it is always there nagging at him as the appeal drags closer. As Buck laughs about books and the outside world. As they joke with one another, always something stuck between them now. He tries to convince himself that Chimney was just drinking too much, and that all of their shady behaviour is because of nerves for the appeal. For the uncomfortable truth that Buck killed someone. But Eddie’s not so sure, and it’s hard to know what to believe when he’s surrounded by really good liars.

So yeah, maybe he’s angry, and maybe he hits the punching bag at the gym a little too often and whole lot too much now. Maybe he forgets to bring Buck cookies on his next birthday. Maybe he apologizes by hugging him tight and willing him to tell him. Maybe one day Buck takes his hand and stares at his cracked knuckles with sorrowful eyes, but he never lectures or bugs him. Instead he asks almost teasingly, “Are you boxing with hammers or what?”

Eddie wants to laugh, but Buck is still lying to him so he only smiles wryly and says, “Don’t ask.”

Those words hurt Buck more than Eddie’s ever seen, and it hurts him to hurt him, but he doesn’t know what else to do but to hurt.

“Make sure you clean the wound and bandage it.” Buck says as he steps away.

And Eddie watches him go with a pang in his heart and an uncertain cloudiness in his mind. “Buck-” He tries, but when Buck perks up and looks over, almost hopeful, all he can see is Buck asking him not to.

In the end he can’t really do anything, he’s stuck because he’s just a prison guard and a failing father, he’s trying to be a decent friend but it’s hard when Buck won’t meet him half way. Won’t even dignify him with the truth.

“Yeah?”

“Nothing.”

Buck deflates and he himself walks away.

“Eddie.” Rick says impatiently the moment he gets to the break room. He looks up and sees the way his eyes are bugging almost out of his head.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, immediately in disaster mode, everything else shut off.

“I’m so sorry, but- well your phone is off in your locker so he phoned here.”

“Who did?”

“Michael. Michael Grant. He’s at Bench Memorial, it’s your wife- your ex- well Shannon. She’s been in a car accident. They said it’s pretty serious.” Rick explains, and just like that his world feels like it has gone crashing and burning around him.

He doesn’t bother finding someone to cover his shift, he just leaves. Pushing the speed limits until he gets there. Until he’s racing down a hallway asking for where his wife is, even though she’s not that anymore. Friend just doesn’t sound right. She’s more than that. She’s family. The mother of their son, his partner in that still forever.

“Is she okay?” He asks his aunt who is suddenly there, a sleeping Christopher under her arms. Michael sits off to the side too, and then Chimney and Maddie are running in, fear on their faces, and Eddie wonders who the hell called them.

“She’s fine, Edmundo. A small brain bleed but they think it will clear up on its own. A few broken bones but she’s going to be fine.” His pepe explains.

Eddie nods, a little more relieved as he watches his son sleeping in exhaustion. He should have been here sooner. Fuck.

“I’m so sorry, Eddie.” Maddie says, and her eyes are sorry, maybe even a little guilty.

Eddie doesn’t dignify her with a response but he doesn’t have to because Michael is pulling him aside. “I need to talk to you.” He says, and then they’re in a hall alone and Michael looks so sorry. “Look, Shannon and I were following up with a PI, we were doing a little digging on Buck’s old lawyer, on everyone involved in his case in fact.”

“What? Why?” Now he’s confused just as much as he’s one edge, needing to see Shannon. To see with his own eyes that she’s really okay.

“Come on, Eddie, the way Buck was tried, something wasn’t right. And- and Shannon was hit by a car.”

“What!?” Like a hit and run? What the hell is going on?

“There was this in her pocket when I found her. I was inside when it happened and she was, she was calling Christopher. She was going to meet me in there.” Michael’s eyes are guilty too, but not the same as Maddie’s. Just guilty for not being there, Maddie’s held blame and once again Eddie is asking himself what the hell is going on.

Michael pulls out a note though and another piece enters the puzzle. ‘ ** _Stop looking into this. Or your kids are next._** ’

Eddie stares, unbelievingly, bucket of cold water falling all over him just as Michael reaches out and squeezes his shoulder gently. “The police will be here soon, but we were looking into a judge, into Buck’s old lawyer, into the jury. Into the local police, Eddie. The one’s who investigated. I tried to request Athena, but they say this is a local matter.”

Eddie shakes his head, thoughts messed up and jumbled. “I need to see her.” He tells him and Michael nods. “Of course.” Eddie knows that there’s more, but all he can think of is Shannon.

He leaves Michael’s side and goes back to his aunt to find the room of Shannon’s, satisfied when Michael says he’ll stay by Christopher’s side. Less so when Maddie and Chimney say they will. Because this goes beyond a kid in prison. Now this is Shannon in a hospital bed, almost dying because of this. His son threatened. If anyone deserves the truth now, it’s him.

“Hey.” He says to Shannon, even though she’s unconscious. She looks so pale, and it’s terrifying. He’s never been more on edge or scared, his whole world is coming under fire. Threatened by whatever is going on. Did Shannon and Michael find something? He knows he should have asked before, but he needed to see her. To see that she’s alive. Okay.

“M- Mom?” Christopher asks as he walks in with his aunt by his side.

“Hey, buddy. She’s just asleep right now. Come here.” Eddie says as he picks his son up onto his lap, hugging him close. “She’ll wake up soon.”

“I- Is she going t- to be o- okay?”

“She’s going to be fine.” He kisses his son’s head and tries to stay in this moment. Tries to stay calm, even though Chimney and Maddie are right there, along with Michael. But he can’t be mad at Michael, he’s just doing his job. Chimney and Maddie lying to him, that’s their choice. It hurts more from Chimney, because they’ve known each other for so long. It hurts from Maddie because he thought she was the one person in Buck’s life he could count on. He’s not so sure anymore.

“I’m sorry, I- I can’t stay here.” Maddie says and Eddie bites his tongue until it bleeds. “I hope she feels better soon.”

She starts to leave and Chimney stutters out a quick excuse to go after her, something about driving the same car here. But as soon as they’re gone, Eddie acts. Reacts. The anger coursing through, the need for answers. More importantly, to protect what’s hi. He picks his son up and says, “I’m sorry, buddy, I just remembered I have to do something really important. Can you stay here with your mom?”

“Edmundo.” His aunt chastises, a little angrily, but Christopher doesn’t look angry.

“A- Are you h- helping your f- friend dad?”

“Yeah, buddy.”

“I- I’ll s- stay with mom.” Christopher promises, in a way that indicates that he’ll look over her. Almost twelve and already so grown up, smarter than the room. Just like his mom.

He really doesn’t deserve him. He turns to Michael, a question on his lips but Michael is already nodding, “I’ll stay with them, and we’ll talk later.” It’s a promise he’ll hold Michael to.

His aunt looks like she wants to yell some more, but he slips out before she can. Feet hurrying to his car, just as Chimney and Maddie get into theirs. They don’t notice him, and that’s good. It lets him follow them in peace. Objectively he knows that it’s wrong, especially after everything that Maddie’s been through, he’s not unkind when it comes to that but they’ve lied and Shannon could have died. And what about Buck? Christopher? He has to protect his family.

He knocks onto the door that he followed them to and Chimney answers, face shocked and almost afraid. “Eddie?” He whispers. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Eddie pushes his way in, not caring anymore about anything but his family, Shannon, Christopher… _Buck._ “I want the truth.” He tells him just as Maddie walks in, scared too, but more uncertain, more sorry. “From the both of you because my w- Shannon almost died today. They left a note in her pocket threatening not only my kid but Michael’s. To stay away. Away from Buck’s case. So, explain TO ME WHAT THE HELL EXACTLY IS GOING ON!?”

All the anger that he’s kept at bay, about everything in the past months just comes out and he’s fuming, hands balled into fists, almost ready to hit something. Maddie is frozen and Chimney is standing in front of her, eyes angry too. He looks like he wants to say something, but before he can get the chance, a soft and innocent voice asks, “Mama?”

Eddie’s eyes shift to the small figure of a child, the shock coursing through him, pushing all the anger away like it was some kind of poison as he stares. A little girl, a child who can’t be more than three. Soft brown eyes and dark hair. She holds a stuffed elephant in her hands and her face is Maddie’s, but it’s also of her father’s. The father Eddie only glimpsed at fleetingly when he broke and searched up Buck’s case. _Doug._

Maddie gathers the child up in her arms, eyes fierce and protective as he himself puts the pieces slowly together.

“Eddie.” Maddie says with a voice that is much stronger than ever before. “This is my daughter, Jamie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maddie seems like the bad guy, but she's really not...   
> Next chapter from Maddie's perspective. Stayed tuned.  
> If you have the time, I'd love to hear from you! Thank you.


	7. Maddie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s going to be okay, Evan. I’ll tell them what really happened. That it was me.”  
> Buck shakes his head quickly. “You can’t.” Voice panicked. “They’ll take her away.”  
> “I’ll find a way.” She promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning: Heavy and graphic domestic violence/abuse in this chapter. There is also discussions of abortion in this chapter, if that is triggering in any way, I highly recommend not reading this chapter. Along with this is a violent death described, and some mental dissociation.  
> This was a really hard chapter to write, based on the warnings alone I'm sure you can guess why. Please tread lightly if you decide to read this chapter. Thank you.

The first memory she has is of a little bundle set into her arms, eyes as blue as the skies staring back. Soft dark hair curling up top. Maddie stares at him in awe and wonder as her own eyes widen. Her mom saying beside her, arms half holding the baby too, “Maddie, this is your brother. This is Daniel.”

And Maddie has never known this love before. This protective and overwhelming love that fills her like nothing else has ever before. All of five, she doesn’t know what to make of it, only that she’d do anything for him. Anything. Her parents share glances, and when she’s older she looks back on this moment and wonders if it was the age old question of jealously. Some kids can’t adjust well to new siblings, but she can because he’s all hers.

Things are great, there’s a kite in the sky that she flies with her brother laughing along, giggling as his eyes follow it. Shades of blue and green, him but four and she nine. They’re alive and everything is beautiful. Her father watches on, a smile on his lips as he builds their mom’s flower bed. Her mom just inside, gathering the lemonade and cookies, and everything is wonderful.

But then the kite gets away from her and she’s running after it, away from her house and her brother, and her parents. She’s barely gone, up into a tree to get it, but when she comes back her father is frowning, looking around, calling, “Daniel! Daniel!” And her heart falls into her chest as their mother comes out yelling, “What’s wrong!?”

Everything’s blurry after that as lemonade shatters and they’re yelling, and screaming, and Daniel is nowhere to be found. Her mother clutching her stomach with a look of such horror and grief that even at her own tender age, Maddie knows that nothing will ever be the same again. The kite snags away from the tree, and flies off into somewhere new. A land that maybe her brother went to. They don’t know. They never find out.

Six months later she’s handed another bundle, and there are blue eyes, lighter than Daniel’s ever were. Hair a soft blond, much like their father’s. Her mom can barely hold him, so Maddie does, and at nine, she can. She brings her new little brother closer and whispers, “I’ll keep you safe, Evan. I love you.” She entwines her bigger pinkie with his smaller one in a promise that can never be broken, that can stand the test of time.

Her heart fell out of her chest when Daniel fell out of their world, but when Evan enters it… It feels like maybe she’s getting it back. It feels like forgiveness from the world. Her parents don’t see it that way, and Maddie learns how to feed a newborn when the nanny is gone for the day. She learns which carrots and peas he should eat, how to potty train. She learns how to bathe him properly without him falling in the tub, and watches in excited glee as he takes his first steps.

“You’re doing it, Evan! You’re doing it!” She shouts with a smile wider than ever before, but it’s tinged in sadness as she remembers Daniel. She wants to say something, so she does. She picks up a picture frame and holds Evan in her lap.

“This is our brother.” She whispers into his hair, that sweet baby smell still there. “Daniel.”

Evan reaches out with grabby hands to the small boy in a baseball cap, chubby cheeks and a smile that hurts.

“What the hell are you doing!?” Her father yells and suddenly he’s there, ripping the picture from her hands, Evan crying in her arms. She tries to calm him down, but she’s shaking herself. She’s never seen her father so angry before. Maddie’s never known him to be. “What if your mother had seen!? We talked about this, Maddie. That’s why we’ve moved. Don’t mention him again, and don’t go through our things.”

And then her father walks away, and all but twelve she’s left with her baby brother in her arms, crying for a father, and maybe even a brother.

“Shh… It’s okay, Evan. It’s okay.” She promises, but even then she knows she can’t guarantee that. Daniel is a testament to how uncertain this world is. How dangerous it can be. She knows her parents are right. And after this, she never brings up Daniel again, and Evan never asks. He doesn’t know anyway. No one really does. But her. Them. _Us._

~

At nineteen, Evan is eleven and she meets Doug. He sweeps her off her feet and she falls fast and hard. Maddie’s never known love. Not quite like this, with big arms and a charming smile that promises everything’s going to be alright. No one’s ever loved her… Quite like this. He says all the right things and does all the right things too, and when he says, “Let’s go away to school together.” She says no.

But he starts talking, about how not so far away it is. How Evan will be fine by himself, how he needs time to grow up. How she can’t protect him forever. “He’s just your brother.” Doug says.

And she feels anger thrum in her veins. “He’s more than that.” _He’s mine._ Her own. Maybe being a mother, isn’t giving birth but having a baby in your arms and imprinting on them. Like a little baby duck, just opposite.

Doug grips her arm tightly and says, “I love you. I have to do this, but I want you with me. I want us to have a life together. Once we get there, we could bring Evan with us.”

“What?” She asks breathless, but her heart is pounding, because it sounds so _good._ Their parents don’t care. They ignore them at every turn, and she’s miserable in that house just as much as Evan is. She could get him out. She could give him all the love and safety he deserves. Everything she never got.

“Come on, my dad’s a state senator and my mom’s a great lawyer. If we have to go the legal route we could, but your parents don’t care. We could give him a good life.”

She doesn’t see then the predatory smile, the one that looks like he’s going to take a bite out of her. The way his eyes shine in a false light. Because in that moment, all she sees is a perfect future for her brother. For her own.

She nods her head. “Okay. Okay, let’s do it.”

Doug pulls her close and says, “Thank you, Maddie… But let’s not tell anyone yet, about Evan. We don’t want your parents freaking out. And- And Evan, he’ll blab, you know he will. Let’s just keep it a secret for now. Until we get settled.”

She’s on cloud nine, so happy it hurts, because how did she end up with the greatest guy alive? She doesn’t question him, she nods into his shoulder agreeing easily. It’s always easier to agree, and she likes Doug making decisions for her. It shows how much he loves her. Her parents never really did that for her, always taking care of herself and Evan. But now Doug is taking of her. And Evan. And he loves them. Loves her, and that part is new and exciting, and she’s too fucking happy to care about the way his nails dig into her skin. The way he pushed her, ‘accidentally’ on the floor. He was just angry about getting fired, that’s all. He apologised. He was sorry. It was an accident. It was just a push. Barely anything.

“Sure. Yeah, of course. Whatever you want, babe.”

~

“I’m so excited to bring Evan here. He’s going to love it.” Maddie says, a smile on her features as they walk through _their house_. Paid by Doug’s parents, generously, and it feels unreal. Like a perfect dream that she’ll inevitably have to wake up from, but that she never wants to. Doug smiles at her but looking back, it’s strained, full of dangerous daggers and no real love. Not the way Chimney looks at her, like she’s the whole world. The way she feels for him too.

“Yeah.” Doug says, and kisses her. “I’ve missed this, just us.”

“I’ve missed it too.” And she smiles big and wide, and they move to the bedroom and he holds her and it feels like love, and it is at first. The most love she ever thought she could have, deserves. But then Doug says that they should wait, just a few weeks until classes have begun and they’re in a certain groove. Where they have some kind of normalcy down, and she agrees with hesitancy. With questions that slip past her lips. Questions that make Doug dig into her arms tightly and say, “I love you, you know that.”

And she nods, but her chest swoops and there’s something more in there that shouldn’t be. Before she knows it, she’s on the floor and there’s blood, and it feels like fear. Love and hate, and fear so strong it tastes more than blood ever will.

“I- I’m sorry, Maddie.” Doug says, and there are tears in his eyes. “I- I didn’t mean to. You just got me so angry with Buck, and- and we can’t bring him here. You’re too busy with school and so am I. Besides. He’s doing fine. He’s okay. You wouldn’t want to bring him here after he just joined the basketball team, would you?”

And she gets up and smiles stringy. The crack in her lip, hurting, the taste of metallic and the feel of a small bundle in her arms. All the love in the world, a promise to never let him leave this world the way Daniel did. To disappear…

“No.” She tells Doug. “I wouldn’t.”

He smiles and pulls her close, apologizing profusely as he helps clean her up, and she flinches a little at first but he frowns at that and something strikes within her chest. Something dangerous. She phones Buck the next morning and tells him in a soft and broken whisper, “I’m sorry.”

Her lip throbs and her face burns. But it’s not pain or the blood that was shed, it’s something like shame. But Doug loves her, and it was an accident, wasn’t it? And yet she doesn’t want Buck here, in case he has an accident.

Buck doesn’t say anything, he just hangs up. The dial tone, hurts. The silence always will hurt more than any bruise blossoming on her skin ever will.

~

When Doug graduates from medical school, they go to his parents’ house and the Kendall’s welcome her in with open arms. They hold her close and kiss her cheek, smiles wide and bright, but there’s a glamour here, similar to Doug’s. To the one on him that she’s just now starting to truly see behind.

“Please, come in. We’re so happy you’re here.” Mrs. Kendall says, Marsha.

“Thank you for having me.” Doug’s hand is on her back, aching and large.

They’re led into a dining room and eat and drink, and for a moment she pretends that she’s real. That they’re happy and that her makeup doesn’t disguise Doug’s fingerprints etched into her skin, full of his love.

“Now, Doug, isn’t there something that you’d like to ask your dear Maddie?” Mr. Kendall asks, Doug Senior, and Maddie feels that fellow swoop of fear as she looks to the way Doug’s perfect smile falters.

“No.” He says, but it sounds strained and his eyes aren’t on his parents, and Maddie’s fear, it’s not for herself anymore. It’s for him.

“Come here, darling, there’s something we must discuss in private.” His mother says and he goes. And Maddie’s left smiling awkwardly at Doug Senior. He’s in his last round of being a senator, in two years he will retire. Marsha will still be working, making up for the time she took off to raise Doug, but only part-time. Doug explained it to her. How things are, but when she excuses herself to the bathroom and finds through a cracked door, a cracked frame of the real portrait of this family, she falters.

She stops and stares.

“You will propose to her.” Marsha says, and Doug is looking down, shoulders hunched and fists balled up, and Maddie feels her breath steal from her lips.

She flinches at the slap, and then Marsha’s fingers pinch between his ear until there is blood, and she is frozen. She’s frozen in fear and horror, and love, and the distinct, ‘w _hat if that were me?_ ’

“Do you understand me?”

Doug nods tightly and Maddie’s breath steals from her as she runs to the bathroom and urges the tears not to come. When she comes out later, Doug is all smiles and excuses for his mom. His dad patting his shoulder, but Maddie doesn’t miss the way that he flinches minutely against it, and when Doug kneels down, a ring in hand, she’s left frozen. She thinks of her own parents, her dad yelling at her at just twelve, and she wonders what would have happened to her if he was just a little bit more angry. She wonders if anyone could have loved her then, if anyone would love her now the way Doug does.

She sees the fear in his eyes and in the most terrible way possible, she understands him. He understands her. Her need for love, his for pain and she should say no, but instead she says, “Yes.” And the trap tightens on her leg, on her soul.

And in the end she figures no one has loved her like he has, and no one will love Doug like she does.

They’re perfect for each other, aren’t they?

“We’ll do a summer’s wedding. It will be perfect.”

~

Buck comes to the wedding, wedged between her parents in a suit that’s almost too tight. He’s fifteen and gangly, still growing up. Into the person he’ll be. He smiles all crooked teeth and shining eyes and says, “You look beautiful, Maddie. Happy.” And there’s no more ringtones in her ears, or silence. He looks genuinely happy for her, and that makes her cripple in guilt. She feels like a walking lie, but try as she might to open her mouth, Doug’s arm is still there, wrapped tightly around her even if he’s fifty feet away. And she doesn’t want it to go, more so than she does.

“Thanks, Evan.” And she hugs him close, closer than she should. As though she were hanging on to him for dear life. Maybe she is.

Later when it’s just her and Marsha, her new mother-in-law, she whispers in and says, “Family is everything to me. Everything. So let’s hope some grandkids come, hm?”

Marsha’s finger pinches into her and Maddie steals her breath. Eyes widening slightly as a wedding photo is taken, the first tangents of true regret come through. Because this is not a request. It’s an order. More than that, it’s a threat.

That night, she sneaks to a clinic and gets birth control for the next few months. She tells herself she’ll leave, soon, but soon never comes. Even when the bruises and broken bones continue to.

“I love you.” Doug says.

And for some reason, she believes him.

“Where else would you be?”

Where could she go? Her parents made it pretty clear at the wedding, when they left early how much they disapprove, and her brother, all of fifteen, how could she ever put any of this on him?

She somehow smiles, a little bit of her own glamour now as she replies with, “Nowhere. I love you too.”

~

One night while at the Kendall’s she sneaks downstairs for some water and watches as Doug Senior exchanges angry words with another induvial. Someone who whispers, “The last batch wasn’t my fault!”

A bag of clear white, and Maddie almost gasps as she turns around. Her heart almost stops as their voices do, as suddenly Doug Senior stands there with an eyebrow raised. “Can I help you?”

“N- No. I just came to get some water.”

“Maybe later?” He offers.

And she nods hurriedly as she walks away.

“Oh and Maddie?”

She turns to him as he smiles, big and wide, wider than she’s ever seen it before. “Family’s everything.”

His eyes turns to her belly, and she feels sick. Still, she smiles and says, “We’re family.” And that seems to be enough. For now, it does. He lets her go.

She goes upstairs and does not sleep for a very, very long time. Her mind races with all the possibilities. Of how to leave. Of how to get out, but Doug they’re always reminding her of how powerful they are. How much influence they have. Of where she’ll go, because the answer is obvious. There’s nowhere she can. But Doug loves her… Right?

~

Buck has made quarterback and she couldn’t be prouder. Just because they don’t talk as much, Doug doesn’t like it, says it upsets her, doesn’t mean that she doesn’t take notice. Read the school paper, and every letter Buck sends. To her work of course, never to her home or to the Kendall’s. Somehow, Buck knows. More than he should, than she wants (and desperately does), but not enough. Otherwise he would have done something. Something reckless. Stupid.

Buck’s a football star at just seventeen and he’s going to get a scholarship, and get out of their parents’ house and start his own life. Something amazing, she’s sure. It’s a hope, his letters, and his life. It keeps her going. _Her kid._ He’s almost grown up, a far cry from the soft bundle in her arms, but never from that overwhelming all-encompassing love. That never dies or falters. It’s there with every beat of her heart.

She starts to get nauseous, and she figures it’s the flu going around, or something she picked up from work. But it’s in the morning and suddenly all she wants to eat is strawberries and peanut butter. She gets more emotional than she should at the randomest things, like the commercial with the baby dolphins. She feels a bucket of tears come, and every day she pretends it’s not real, until she can’t anymore. Until Doug goes out to a medical conference and she’s snuck out for a pregnancy test. And stares. In abject horror at the positive sign.

Her heart falls and her whole world shifts, and changes, and now she’s sick for a whole other reason.

She’s been taking her birth control, in secret on the pain of death, but she has, so why…?

She slumps over in shock, silent tears coming and she knows that she can’t do this. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She can’t. She-

Before she can blink, she’s got a phone in her hand and dials an abortion clinic two hours away. They say that she needs a counselling session first, she tells them that she can’t wait. Doug will be home in five days.

It’s funny, life… She sits in that waiting room, pictures of babies and questioning gazes, and she’s numb. She’s puffy faced and eyes red, she’s sure. But numb. She feels nothing and it’s not real. Not at all, until her eyes shift to the window outside, and a child holds a kite. Chasing after it, with a smile so real and familiar, that her chest aches and her eyes slip shut. And her hand touches her stomach and only one thought sits, ‘ _Daniel._ ’

She’s out of the clinic, in a car and she starts it. Backing away.

~

In Buck’s last letter, he said he misses her and loves her, and that he’s there for her.

She calls him. “ _Maddie_!” He says, breathless and excited, and it’s been far too long.

She still feels a little numb, but she manages to get out the words, “I need help, Evan.” And her voice cracks, and that’s what does it for her as she falls into a fit of sobs at the horror of her life. Of her choices.

“ _I- I’m here. I’m here. I’m going to help you. I’m coming, right now. Right now, Maddie. I’m coming._ ”

And she doesn’t doubt it for a second.

Because if it was him asking, so would she.

~

“D- Did Doug do that?” Buck asks as she flinches from his fingers across the diner booth.

“It was an accident.” She says quickly, on instinct, and doesn’t miss the way Buck’s mouth tightens.

“I’m going to kill him.”

She reaches to his curled fist and says, “You can’t.”

“Why not? Call the police, Maddie, get him locked up.”

She shivers. She’s cold, and Buck gets out of his varsity jacket in a heartbeat, his bandage from his sprain showing as he stands up too quickly, enough to make her flinch away but he only falters for a second before he set sit around her shoulders. She smiles to him gratefully, and sorry.

“Give me one good reason why I can’t.” He says darkly, almost petulant. And it reminds her of how young he still is, and she’s guilty for it. For all of it. But it’s not just her anymore. There’s a flutter in her stomach.

“I can give you a hundred.” And then she’s talking, telling him everything. The only person in this world she’s ever really loved and who’s loved her. Once upon a time they curled their pinky fingers around the other and made promises not to tell. On scraped knees and sneaking out. On broken vases and broken hearts. Because it was them, against the world. It always has been.

Buck listens and he understands, and Maddie hates that she’s dragged him into this, but she has no one else, and she knows Buck would do the same. “What the hell are you going to do Maddie?”

He squeezes her hand and she holds on back. “I have to get my things, and then I’m leaving, Buck. I have to.”

Her hand is on her stomach, and she’s not sure if she can be a mother to something of Doug’s, but she’ll give it a chance not to disappear. Like Daniel. Like herself.

“Then I’m coming with you.”

“He won’t be there.” She says with a relieved feeling in her chest, something like hope.

Buck smiles grimly and says seriously, “I’m not leaving you alone.”

_Like I left you._ And she will never not be guilty for that.

~

It happens so fast. Looking back on it, most things are left blurry and the least important become crystal clear. Like the way the light shined against her reflection in the mirror above her sink. Maddie goes through the motions of packing a bag and getting the hell out of there, and she doesn’t know where she’s going or what she’s going to do. Only that there is something more than herself now, and that is all that matters. That kite flying high in the sky, it’s all she sees and knows, until she sees Doug standing in her kitchen. _Their kitchen._

“Maddie.” He says, and he’s smiling but it’s not right. It’s not real. The glamour dusts along everything that he does and is, and she finally, finally sees it all. She sees beyond it, and it scares her. An arm over her stomach, her other hand gripping the bag. And she’s not sure where her courage comes from. From the life outside, her little brother waiting, or for the life within, but she says sternly, “I’m going.”

“Where would you go?” Is his predictable reply, but he’s smiling more strained than ever before, and he must see something in her own eyes because there’s fear there in his. She’s never known Doug to fear her. Never. It sends a rush of power through her, of strength.

“Anywhere but here.” And it’s the wrong thing to say.

It’s funny how fast these things happen, how sudden and quick. Her eyes dart to the door but just as she takes a step forward, Doug grabs her and she’s down on the floor, him over top of her, hand on her shoulder that’s bruising and terrible. “Where would you go?” He says, face in hers and she shudders. _Please no._

“D- Don’t.” She whispers hoarsely unable not to. She’s never begged before, not in so many years, but now she does as he pulls his foot back to kick her, right in her stomach. Right where a new soul emerges. A new life. A kite flies above and she sees it in her eyes, blue skies and clouds, and eyes so blue, they’re impossible. “I’m pregnant.”

She gets it out somehow and Doug stops. For once, he just stops and stares, wide eyed. “Is it mine?” He asks in the silence it leaves.

And the tears come at that, the outrage too. “H- How can you ask me that?”

In one swift moment there are hands around her throat and she can’t breathe. She struggles, and fights, not just for herself anymore but also for herself too. It’s such a drastic change, such a shift. Maybe it’s what people call an epiphany. She can’t put any other name on it. Or maybe it’s because of the brother she left who came when she called. Maybe it’s the kite that flies above both their heads now.

“P- P-”

Her vision is blurry and it feels like the end, and she wonders if she’s going where Daniel is. If she’ll finally get to see him again. Where he ended up.

“MADDIE! GET OFF OF HER!” Her brother’s voice, and the hands are gone, and she’s left gasping. She’s leaning over and her eyes go up in fear, in terrible horror as her brother’s are wide in shock. Doug’s greying over. There’s a knife sticking out of his side, and it’s the worst thing she’s ever seen.

“E- E- Evan! NO!” She yells, and Buck freezes. Eyes on hers, so young and afraid, and alone. But he’s not alone, not anymore. She’s right there with him, and he’s right here with her. Come hell or high water, she vows for that to never change again.

She remembers when they were younger how Buck said that he wanted to go by Buck, how everyone deserves a nickname because others give it to you. Because it shows that they love and care for you. Her name was Madeline, but Daniel couldn’t pronounce it, so they started with Maddie and it stuck. And then Buck, looking for his own nickname. For his own loving and affectionate life. Because Evan was always just an accident. But Buck never was.

Somewhere in the struggle things fell on the floor and just as Doug pulls the knife out like some kind of beast, _monster_ , she reaches for another. Buck doesn’t fight back, he’s in shock, and she’s not sure. But as soon as Doug pulls the knife to him, she grips the handle of her own and plunges. She remembers this set of knifes, Marsha got it for them as a gift. A wedding gift, and it felt like being accepted. And loved. Only she touched her stomach and there was a glint of something in her eyes.

“Maddie, what did we do?” Buck whispers in horror, and suddenly they’re both standing up, staring down at her husband’s body. Dead. Gone. _Where did he go?_

“What I did.” She whispers with a nod, a firm one as the world becomes fuzzy. “What I did.”

It seems to be all Buck needs before he’s back, out of shock and eyes staring into her own. “What about your baby? You told me what his parents are like and ours… We can’t let your baby grow up with them.”

“What?” She whispers, confusion and numbness intertwining beneath her ribcage, with every beat of her heart, everything throbbing. Because everything hurts. And then she has the terrible thought of, w _hat if it died?_

“I’m only seventeen, and if you get convicted… What happens to the baby? They take it? Maddie, we have to do something.”

“Buck, you’re not making any sense.”

“I killed him.”

She stares up at him wide eyed and there’s guilt there, so much of it that is undeserved.

“Evan, this was me.” Her voice cracks and so does everything else.

“I’m a minor, I’ll get out on juvie and you can testify that I was saving your life. Please, Maddie, let me do this for you.”

“No. No way.” She stares at him and reaches out for the phone, but Buck takes it away from her and shakes his head.

“I can do this. Let me do this. Please, Maddie, for your baby.” He touches her stomach and she flinches away. Wondering how the hell they got here. How she did. But there’s a kite flying in the sky and her brother is making a lot of sense and she hates herself for even considering it, but Doug has money. It will be hers and she can get him a good lawyer. He’s a minor and he was saving her life. There’s a history of- of… _Abuse._ And her…

“Please don’t make me do this.” She begs and there are tears in her eyes and her throat is closing up. Because she’s not just begging to her brother, she’s begging to the world. But Buck is already picking up the knife and touching it, wiping blood on himself, and then he’s calling 9-1-1, and she’s left. Frozen. Numb.

“It will work.” Buck tells her, and she has nothing left within herself to dispute that. All she can do is _believe._ And _Hope._

She’s numb and none of this is real.

She’s nine and there’s a kite, and lemonade, and her dad smiling, never angry. Only loving. And there’s another brother on the way, and life is oh so good. The best it will ever be.

Just as the sirens arrive, she grips Buck’s hand, their pinkies intertwined in blood. “I won’t let you disappear, Evan. I won’t. I promise.”

Buck’s face is one of confusion before he smiles all sad and happy, and terrible. “I promise I’ll keep you both safe.” There’s love in his eyes, the kind that she lost for their parents, and it hurts. Oh God does it hurt. It _aches_.

“POLICE! DON’T MOVE!”

~

Plans, right? They never really work out at the best of times, completely don’t at the worst. And Buck’s in a trial for his life. But she can’t be there, because her stomach is big and there’s something kicking her ribs, and she’s utterly alone in an apartment that’s too small and a job that’s too difficult. Every day she watches and she hates herself, and she tells herself when she’s back to what she was, she’ll come into that court and tell them everything. That it was her. That she did it.

But then her water breaks and she’s in a hospital, gripping the handles of a bed because there are no hands to hold. She’s screaming and it’s the worst pain in the world, except that watching her brother in handcuffs will always top it. Charged because of her. “One more push!” The doctor encourages, and she does, even though it rips her apart.

Even though she wants to die.

_Why didn’t I die that night? Why did I call him? Why did I let him do this?_

“It’s a girl!”

She’s left empty and there are tears in her eyes, numbness all over as it’s held up. She refuses to look, afraid to.

“Don’t you want to hold your daughter?”

She’s never had one before. She’s curious, despite herself. There’s something tugging within and before she knows it, there’s a new bundle in her arms. All warm and clean, and new, and just as _beautiful._ The eyes are brown and the hair is darker, but she smells like hers. She is hers. All hers, and before she knows it, all the numbness fades and she’s left with a love so profound, even in a million years, human language could never cover it. Describe it just right.

She doesn’t know why she picks the name, it just comes to her, and she’s whispering, “Jemma.”

The baby wiggles a little, fingers curling around one of her own, as if to say, ‘yes, that’s my name.’ Jemma. Jemma Buckley. Her daughter.

“Hi there.” She whispers, in awe. In everything beautiful in the world, right here in her arms. And despite herself, she is happy. But the sorrow and guilty will always be there too.

~

“It’s a girl.” Maddie tells him, and she can’t help the smile that comes, and the love too. Buck stares back, his own grin splitting upon his features. Hands cuffed, they can’t touch, but she reaches out anyway. “And she’s all mine.”

“What’s her name?” There’s love there from her brother, and she realizes then and ashamedly, that there always has been from him but not from her.

“Jemma.”

Buck arches his eyebrow, and looks as though he’s thinking for a little bit.

“I’m going to be called next week.” Maddie tells him, excitement and hope bubbling up in her chest. “And then we’ll get you out of here.”

Buck smiles thinly, sadly. “I don’t want to talk about that. Tell me about Jamie.”

“Jamie?” She asks with gentle surprise. “It’s Jemma.”

“Everyone deserves a nickname, come on Maddie. Even you know that.”

“Fine, _Jamie._ ” They laugh a little. “But if anyone asks, she’s your dog.”

Buck nods, serious now. “Yeah, good idea. There’s ears everywhere.”

“It’s going to be okay, Evan. I’ll tell them what really happened. That it was me.”

Buck shakes his head quickly. “You can’t.” Voice panicked. “They’ll take her away.”

“I’ll find a way.” She promises.

But Buck doesn’t look convinced, and a week later when her testimony is thrown out, she’s angry. Beyond so, but when she looks to Buck across the courtroom, outrage in her veins, thrumming along, her brother just looks guilty just as much as he looks sad and afraid. And she wonders, did it get thrown out because of an incompetent lawyer, because the money never came through for a better one in time? Or did it get thrown out because Buck wanted it to?

She wants to punch him, to scream, but all Buck says is, “Take care of our Jamie.”

And she’s never really hated her brother before, until that moment.

~

Hope flutters and fades, and she’s left holding her daughter, crying softly into her hair. In an apartment too small. And a life too empty. Her brother in prison for her mistakes. Guilt that will never fade. And a promise that she can’t break.

But then she meets Chimney, and he smiles, no glamour at all, and something burns brighter there. Something within herself too. Her heart beats like a newly formed butterfly, finally cracking out of its cocoon.

“Let me help.” He begs.

And she does, a new kind of possibly fluttering in her chest, of hope too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your support! And take care.


	8. Buck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning: There is nothing explicit, but Buck does mention rape/non-con that he witnessed. As well as a carelessness for murder. There is also heavy dissociation and some minor explicit (consensual) sexual content. Along with this is some heavy suicidal ideation. Please be advised.  
> I really wanted to write a chapter from Buck's perspective to show how being in prison has affected him, and how he's changed. I think I did alright, enjoy! But please do take heed of the warnings.   
> And if anyone's wondering, Jacey is the probie from 'Jinx.' They never gave him a name so I did. :)

Silence. That’s what gets him in the end. The silence that he’s left with at night. Laying in a cell with a moldy ceiling above his head, filled with greying curled up dead paint at the edges. Sometimes he looks into that pattern of black and sees faces. Laughing and crying. Sometimes they’re nice, sometimes they’re angry. Sometimes they just exist alongside him, and he’s not so alone anymore. The silence isn’t complete.

But then someone is crying and a muffled scream is heard and he’s reminded of exactly where he is. The worst part isn’t where he is but who he is. What he can do and can’t. There’s a kid only twenty two, a little older than himself a cell over who gets fucked in the shower. He was screaming the first time and then got a concussion, and then he didn’t. Scream that is. All that’s left was silence.

Buck knows it’s wrong and he tried to stop it, but Roger shook his head and told him not to get involved. The kid was black, maybe he’s racist, maybe he’s useless and not the hero he always thought he could be. Once in football, now in life as he takes the place of two lives not just one. Isn’t that what a hero is? Self-sacrifice? He could try to stop it, but in the end it would be the both of them. Nothing would come of it. Roger explained it, very carefully as his hand hooked around his wrist in a bone breaking grip. He himself has always been act first, think later. Now he has to think. Now that’s all he has. And it hurts. To think.

He doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t want to think.

Buck slips his eyes shut as he lays on his bed in a cell too small, and listens to Jacey’s snores. He stops as he rolls over and the silence comes back, and the moldy faces show a different picture. If he reaches his hand up he can almost touch them. Touch the faces. He doesn’t though, instead he reaches under his pillow and pulls out the letter he’s read a hundred times, the book he just finished. The one from Eddie who listens to him ramble because he has no one else to talk to. No one else who will listen. And he can handle the silence in Eddie’s absence, but when the silence is with him too, he can’t forget. And he likes to forget with Eddie. He pretends they’re in a diner. In a restaurant. Anywhere but here.

The letter is a little crumpled. He’s read it too many times. Sometimes he wonders if he could ask Eddie for one. From himself. His words on paper would be tangible and real, and a comfort. Because despite how much he trusts Eddie, his worst fear is one day waking up and finding him gone. Gone from his cell. From his life. From the spaces between the silence. If that were to happen, he’s sure that he would truly lose it.

_Dear Buck,_

_Dad said you needed cheering up and he promised not read this but to bring it to you. Carla’s helping me write it. My name is Christopher and I’m in the sixth grade. Dad smiles more since you guys have been friends but he has more nightmares. I give him lots of hugs, but he might need a hug from someone bigger. Mommy used to hug him tight. Can you?_

_Dad doesn’t know how to cook. I don’t know if he told you. He almost burned the house down once. It was funny. But uncle Bobby got angry and worried._

_Dad says you read. I read too. I like comic books the best. Superman is my favourite!_

_Mom says the best way to cheer someone up is to give them a hug but I can’t give you a hug so I’m sending this letter. Feel better. Dad said you were sick before._

  * _C_



Buck traces the letters with his fingers and feels a fond affection for the kid. He did before too when he brought him that get well card, he really wasn’t expecting it. Eddie looked almost hesitant when he told him he had a son. But Buck has always loved kids. It was the best gift aside from Eddie himself. Now they write letters, nothing too much just about Christopher’s school and life, and how he’s feeling about his mom. He doesn’t think he can talk to his dad or her. But he talks to him and to this Carla. The one who writes the letters for him, helps him with it. Eddie says he has CP.

Buck wishes his niece could write to him, but she’s only four, almost five. He wishes he could see a photo even, but that would be risky and dangerous. If the Kendall’s ever found out about Jemma Buckley, they’d never see her again. Neither of them want to risk that, but from what little Maddie can tell him, she’s doing great. They both have a chance at a real life. On the best days that’s enough, on the worst, it’s not.

He’s not a good person.

He stabbed Doug first.

He left Maddie alone even when he knew something was wrong.

He stabbed Roger.

He’s hurting everyone else.

Shannon got hit by a car.

Christopher was threatened.

Eddie has more nightmares.

He looks down at his arms, full of faded scars, his fingers curling together, not quite all the way, they may never again. Sure, he had PT, but this is prison. They don’t care. As long as he can function- no, as long as he’s still alive, that’s enough for them. It hurts when it shouldn’t, but Eddie always tries. Eddie who read up on this stuff and makes him do exercises to get it right, first curling his hand around a ball, then he brought in an elastic. Buck tries, for him, but how can he see the point when he’s stuck here?

Sure, there’s an appeal… But…

The scars are white, and he traces along them, and wonders what it would have been like to succumb to that darkness. That weighted coldness of judgment. His eyes slip shut and it’s a comfort to think that he’s already dead, that he could have been. Since he was already cut there, would it be easier to do it again?

There’s a toothbrush on him, under his waistband, sharpened down and ready. He reaches for it, but just as his fingers brush against the plastic, the lights are on and a guard’s voice yells, “Morning!” Chester. Always so cheerful, even when he’s being paid off to let someone go to their death.

Buck takes his hand away and smiles. The silence fades and it’s a new day, and if he pretends, goes through all the routine and motions, maybe he can pretend about something else too. Pretend that none of this is real. That he can endure.

“Morning, Buck.” Jacey says with a kind smile.

“Good morning, Jacey! Isn’t it a fine one?”

He’s going to be twenty one in a week. That doesn’t feel real either.

~

The thing is, he doesn’t want to die. He’s never wanted to do that. There’s a whole world out there, so many things rather than just his parent’s house, but now he’s in a cell and there’s no way out. And everything is the same, all the time, every day. So he doesn’t want to die, but if he did, it would be something different. Buck finds himself, wanting anything but this. He thinks maybe he would be dead if Eddie didn’t find him after Red, if the guards didn’t come in right when they did with Roger. But then Maddie would be guilty, and he knows guilt.

So he stays here, and lives out his years, even when it’s crippling him. Even when the outside air should be a comfort, but it’s only painful. There’s rec time and he used to run around, but now he sits on a bench and stares up at the blue sky for an hour. Sometimes there’s snow, sometimes rain, and sometimes clouds, big fat and rolling. A sun that shines and reminds him, horribly, that he is alive. That this is real.

“Heads up, Buck!” Jacey yells and there’s a ball thrown his way. He catches it easily and hands it back. “Don’t you want to play?”

His eyes are on the trees beyond the fence, beyond the barbwire, where they blow in the wind. In a breeze. When was the last time he touched a tree? Felt its rough bark beneath his fingertips. Felt a breeze and felt the whole world too?

“I’m good.” He says and Jacey looks like he wants to argue, but Roger from beside him nods and Jacey goes back to playing with the others.

“You should play.” Roger tells him as he bites on a blade of grass. “While you can… Word has it that something’s going down soon. Of course, I’ll protect you.”

“I’m good.” He says and tries to smile, ignoring that other part because he honestly doesn’t care. Anything would be a comfort in this place, anything different. And Roger isn’t his friend. He could he lying. He doesn’t like Roger. Roger wanted to kill him, and he stabbed, and he stabbed back. But now they sit like this and talk, and what more is friendship is that? But he and Eddie do that, and it’s not like this. With Eddie he feels warm, safe, and like being alive isn’t its own death sentence. Being with Eddie makes it possible to breathe.

“No you’re not.” Roger says. “Live or die, it’s an easy choice right? Until you have to live or you have to die.”

Buck almost smiles as he thinks of Red’s old words of wisdom. Red was terrifying, but Red was kind too. He conned him and screwed them all over, but he liked Red and he misses him. He’s not sure how that happened or why. It just is. Maybe his own mind is screwed. “You sound like someone I knew once.” He ends up saying.

“Yeah? Was he as good a friend as me?”

Roger wears a snake on his skin, curling up to his elbow. He refuses to help anyone who doesn’t offer money first. Roger who held him in the shower as he broke down with a shank in his hand. Roger who told him that killing those guys who were doing the raping isn’t going to get him anywhere. Roger who’s only looking out for himself. Because he doesn’t get the other half of the money, until he himself is safely out of this prison.

“Yeah,” Buck finds that he’s smiling all of the sudden, a squirrel running up that tree, “he was.”

~

“Is Shannon okay?” Buck asks Eddie, it’s the first thing he asks and the only important thing. If they stopped the appeal, that might be better or not, he doesn’t know. He’s not sure he cares. All he wants to do is hop the fence and run in the grass, maybe laughing manically as he does so. He finds laughter on the tip of his tongue a lot lately. Maybe he’s going crazy. But he knows through all of that, that it will never happen. _Freedom._

“She’s fine.” Eddie nods, relief in his eyes and voice. “She woke up, and she told us, Buck. What happened and what she was investigating. But we need to talk about Maddie, she needs to come clean and-”

“No.” He says without a beat or pause. He wants to say more, but he finds that he’s too tired. His body is languid and he aches. Aches in his bones like an old broken bone that never mended properly. One that aches when it’s going to rain, when an oncoming storm is approaching. There was a fight once, in every fiber of his being, but now- try as he might, he can’t find it anymore. Can’t find it anywhere.

He expects Eddie to argue back, but he doesn’t. Instead Eddie stares at him, eyes curious and full of concern. He’s leaning against the wall, and Buck himself is sitting on the bottom bunk. There’s space between them as there always has been. Space.

“What’s wrong, Buck?” Eddie asks, and it’s more gentle than he deserves.

“Nothing.” He says back, because what else can he say? It doesn’t matter what he does. None of it matters.

But Eddie is arching his eyebrow and his eyes are narrowed, unbelieving. He can’t lie to Eddie, not like this, not after he knows everything. The only one who does and is still on his side. His only real friend in all of this aside from Maddie, and maybe even Christopher, although he’d never know about any of this. Ever.

Chimney’s a friend sure, but more than that, he’s Maddie’s. He’s just… Hers. Buck’s grateful for that, don’t get him wrong, but he knows with that look in Chimney’s eyes that he’d leave him in here for a second if it ensured Maddie and Jamie’s welfare. It’s what Buck wants too, but the way Eddie looks at him. As though he’d killed someone to get him out of here, as though he’s all that matters, no one’s ever looked at him like that before. Cared enough. Not been beholden to everyone else, save for his son, but that’s different. He’s not a part of this story. Jamie is though, and while Maddie might have raised him, her daughter comes first. As she should. Because Maddie is a better parent than theirs ever were. But he himself, being anyone’s close second, like how he is in Eddie’s eyes, it’s more than he’d even thought he’d have.

“Shannon got hurt.” Buck starts. “And there’s threats on Christopher, on all the other kids, Eddie. What if something happens to them? To you? I couldn’t live with myself.” He stands up as he says it, all of it honest and raw, true. If something happened, he has no doubt that he’d use that toothbrush on himself. The ‘to you’ though is added without thinking, but Eddie’s eyes soften as he himself breaks through that numbness. It’s in the big moments where it’s easy, the little ones, like this every day, in here, those are hard. This he can do.

“Please, just, just think about letting it go. Letting me go.” And it’s selfish the way it hurts to say. Everything in him wants to go against that statement, because he needs to get out of here. He needs to get out because if he doesn’t he’s afraid of what’s going to do. Of who or what he’s doing to become. He feels on the verge of waving that sharpened toothbrush around. Some days he so vividly and clearly can see himself plunging it into his neck, in Roger’s. In everyone’s. Laughing in blood, instead of in hills and in tall grass.

“No.” Eddie says as he stands up too, and how often have they been here, like this? “No, Buck. Look at me, look at me.”

And there’s a hand on the back of his neck, on his shoulder as Eddie makes him look. They’re so close now and Eddie’s eyes are so soft and warm, and everything that’s good in his world now. Buck can feel his breath and it’s like that breeze outside, that little taste of freedom, and all he wants to do as his heart beats wildly for a different reason, is kiss him. Something that can never happen, and never will.

“They’re fine, Buck.” And Eddie’s voice is oh so soft, and kind, and if Buck tries hard enough, it’s loving. “We’re all fine, and you will be too.”

His thumb gently rubs into his shoulder, over his prison jumpsuit, kind- caring. _Real._ And free.

He takes a hesitant and short breath before looking up and asking, “Will I be though, Eddie? If something happens because of me? Because you’re all trying to help me? To Christopher’s mom? To him. To- To you?”

“I’ll take care of them.” Eddie promises, and then with his own hesitant breath, “And I’ll take care of you.”

Buck can’t help the smile or pleasure that rolls into his stomach at those words, as Eddie mirrors his small smile. “I’ve got your back, Buck.” He assures, but what about his own?

And his own response to that is predictable, but said without thought, “Then I’ve got yours, too.”

Eddie laughs as he pulls away, like that isn’t need or ever will be, but just because Eddie’s set apart in this world by his different uniform, doesn’t mean that he isn’t apart from this world. CO’s in here, no cares if they get hurt. But other CO’s do, so there’s the solitary option if it does, and no one wants that. Buck sees fear in the worst of these men’s eyes at the mention of solitary, so it’s a good defense. A good protection for Eddie, but just in case… He’ll be here. He’ll watch out for him, just like Eddie’s been doing for him all along.

“Did you finish the last book already?” Eddie asks, and just like that they start talking about anything but this.

Freedom beckons and calls him, but some days he worries that he’d give it all up, if only to have Eddie talk to him like this. Every day that he can.

~

“Maddie, you have to tell them to stop this. What if something happens to you or to Eddie’s family? I can’t- I can’t do this in here with the thought of that hanging over my head. I can’t do this if they’re in danger or you are. Please, Maddie. Just let me be in here. I’ll be fine.” He knows that he’s begging, but he doesn’t know who else to turn to, and Maddie’s eyes are so sad and sorry. He knows that it’s a losing argument before it’s even really begun. With Eddie, he knows he can’t change his mind, so fucking stubborn and righteous but with Maddie… Maybe there’s a chance, but that hope blows away as he looks into her own stubborn and sure eyes.

“Evan…” She starts, and her hand is coming across the table to his. “I can’t do that, and they’re going to be fine. Trust me. We’ve got help on the police force. Michael’s ex-wife is a cop. We’re going to be fine. It’s you I worry about. It’s been almost four years.”

“Five if you count…” He stops himself. He doesn’t want to think of that night.

Her eyes are clouded over in guilt and it spasms within himself. Every move he makes, he hurts someone. It would be better to be dead, it’s moments like these that he’s sure, but then there are moments with Eddie where he’s not. Where Christopher’s letters eave hope in their tracts. Where him and Maddie laugh at something Jamie did. Where Eddie looks at him and he feels free.

“I’m sorry, Maddie. I- I didn’t mean to bring that up, I just- I can’t stand the thought of someone getting hurt because of me. It’s bad enough that Shannon-”

“Don’t talk like that.” Maddie says sternly. “She’s fine, and so will you be. The appeal is going to be heard any day now. A few months. That’s it, and then you could be free or- or there could be a retrial and then the truth can come out.”

He startles at that, panic real and raw in his chest as he grips her hand back just as tightly. “But not the whole truth, right Maddie? You promised.”

She smiles but it’s all strained again. “And I promise that I wouldn’t let you disappear.”

“I’m right here, Maddie.” Confusion grows at something older in her eyes, something that he doesn’t quite understand. “I’m not going anywhere.” He tries to smile and she tries to match it, but it never does.

“How is she?” He asks instead.

“How are you?” Maddie counters, a little more relaxed but nonetheless worried. “You have dark circles under your eyes, have you been sleeping?”

Now it’s his turn to smile strained. “Yeah, of course I have. It’s me, I can sleep anywhere.” It’s a lie and they both know it. It should be easy to sleep here, the guards don’t like noise at night, but eerily enough, it’s the silence that makes it impossible to sleep. But he’s tired of talking about himself, thinking about himself and his situation, all of their situations because of him. In here, that’s all he can do. So he asks again, “How is she?”

And Maddie must see something in his eyes, because she obliges, and for one fleeting moment, he can pretend that they’re catching up at a restaurant, talking about his niece. Not afraid. Not alone.

And maybe even, there’s a breeze that goes by.

~

Insomnia. He knows that word and what it means. It’s what the doctor described it when he explained it on his physical at age sixteen. His parents didn’t come. He had his licence then and he could drive himself. If Maddie were there, he has no doubt that she would have come. The doctor explained about it, something like stress and other words of ill health slipping through his lips, but for himself he didn’t feel unhealthy. He felt strong, but tired.

The doctor prescribed medication and Buck only took it once, because it made him feel sick so he stopped. He looked online and found things about exercise and cherry juice. In the end he used both, and then he started writing letters. To Maddie. And that helped.

He writes letters now too, but not to Maddie. To Christopher and Carla. He thanks her for her help, and to Christopher he asks about school. Eddie visits and Maddie visits, so there’s really no need to write them letters, but he wants to. He wants to say sorry. Ask things and say things that he’s too afraid to in person. Things that hurt to even think about.

Maybe his insomnia would get better, like before, he’s not sure. But he can’t put this on them, so he doesn’t write anything. He doesn’t sleep in the silence that echoes, in the darkness with no light. And when he does sleep, it’s always dreams of Doug that bring him back to wakefulness. Dreams of his own funeral. Of Maddie’s. Of a little girl screaming to get free. Then there are dreams of Eddie and Christopher, in a house that he doesn’t belong in. With his Maddie and his niece visiting. In a life that will never be his. Somehow those dreams with Eddie and Christopher are far worse than the ones of Doug.

He can’t stop Maddie, or Eddie. Or Shannon or Michael, or even Chimney. He can’t stop them from fighting for him. He wants to and he doesn’t, but more importantly than that, are their lives. Their kids. It makes him so angry, his inability to do anything. He’s just stuck here in a cell with a roommate that’s too happy, and a life that’s too sad. He wants to pick up his hands and do something. Anything that’s his own, but he can’t.

He’s directed and pulled, and pushed, and no decision is of his own. He’s in cell and he is unfree. He hears the silence and he can’t make noise to stop it.

Maybe he starts to understand the violence, because violence is something you can choose. Something that is uncontested, his own. Their own. A rebellion of the forcefulness of doing nothing. Of being nothing.

“Ana called me, she wants to go for dinner, to apologize.” Eddie says one day. “We sort of ran into each other at the store.”

Buck listens, but he’s not really listening. His eyes are on the book in his lap, one of a woman who’s in love, but the man betrays her. Surrounding them is the backdrop of war. Today he went outside and he watched birds take flight, and he imagined himself growing wings, and just, flying away. With them. If he died, would his soul fly away too?

“Buck, are you listening to me?” Eddie asks, concern etched into his features.

Buck looks up and smiles, and tries to for Eddie’s sake. But inside he’s being crushed by the weight of something he can’t put a name too. Only that it goes back to the confusion with Bryce and Sally, and a football game he won. On the arms of everyone, and his eyes were on the both of them. Something in his chest swirling that he could not name.

“Yeah, sorry. So are you going to dinner with her?”

“I feel like I owe it to her.”

_Maybe he does_ , he thinks, _or maybe he owes it to me not to._ It startles him to think like that, because Buck knows that Eddie doesn’t own him anything. That he’s twenty one and in a cell, and there is more than bars between them. There is an impossible dream of a house and pancakes. Of playing video games and ordering pizza. Of laughter in a park, hands swinging between each other as Christopher insists on the swings.

“Maybe you do.” Buck ends up saying.

“Are you okay, Buck? Have you been sleeping?” Eddie asks and he leans in, but Buck finds himself leaning away. Watching Eddie’s face falls, hurts, but it’s better this way. And even in Eddie’s hurt, he feels shame for the way it makes himself feel glad that he’s hurt him. _Hurt like I’m hurting,_ he wants to say.

And then with a bolt to the system, he realizes how much he really understands the violence. Because… The choice to hurt is all they have in here, isn’t it?

~

When Eddie leaves and the lights go out, and Jacey is smiling at him as he says, “Goodnight.”

Buck breathes heavily, and his heart is pounding and he just wants something. Anything that is his. His own choice, his own decision. He just needs to be free somehow. Eddie’s on a date with a woman, and his heart aches just as much as his cock. And before he knows he has hands on Jacey and is telling him, “Shut up.”

And then he kisses him and Jacey kisses back, and it’s nothing like the way Eddie would kiss him, he’s sure, but kissing Jacey, it’s his own terrible choice.

_His own._

Red said that everyone has their breaking point, maybe this finally is his.

Maybe he doesn’t care.

And maybe that’s worse.

~

He’s sitting in a court room and it’s the first taste of anything outside of the walls of barbed wire and fences. None of it felt real, all in a blurry state as they travelled here by bus. Officers at his side, none of them Eddie or Chimney, or even Hen. Until he was in a courtroom with Michael and Shannon in a cast, a horrible reminder of what’s brought them here. He looks around and sees Maddie smiling strongly, nodding her head approvingly.

His eyes shift until he finds Eddie’s, further back, unnoticed but nonetheless real even when nothing else feels like it is.

“I hereby order, in the case of the state of Pennsylvania v. Evan Buckley, to be retried in the District Court of Harrisburg. Until that time, Evan Buckley is hereby remanded to Riot Penitentiary.”

A gavel is hit and Shannon is hugging him and so is Michael, grins on everyone’s faces, but for himself, he feels nothing, except- except that when he touches his cheek and pulls away, there are tears falling, and his chest feels like it’s exploding and caving in all at once. He asks to go to the bathroom and he’s alone in there and suddenly the door opens and so is Eddie here. A favour from the guard probably, Buck doesn’t know or care, because he’s crying and sobbing, and the world is in colour, and he might just finally, _be free._

“I’ve got you.” Eddie whispers, and there’s a smile in his voice and in his eyes.

But try as he might, Buck can’t find it within himself, to smile.

“We’re going to get you out of here, Buck. Shannon and Michael they found dirt on the Kendall’s, it’s going to be a fair fight and we’ll win. We’ll get you out of here, you hear me?”

Eddie pulls away, and his hands are on his jaw and cheek, Buck with hand cuffs on can’t reciprocate, all he can do is say, in a hesitant and small voice, because he needs to know if this is real, “Kiss me?”

Eddie stills, his breath stuck and eyes in confusion, but its kind. He doesn’t pull away or get angry, or disgusted. Instead he ever so softly, leans in and kisses along where his forehead and hair meet.

And maybe, just maybe, there are tears in Eddie’s eyes too, for a life that they could have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your support, leave a comment if you have the time, and I'll see you in the next one! :)


	9. Eddie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And how can he deny him? In that moment, his heart strings are pulled and the world is better and terrible because of how long it took. Because of the cuffs on Buck’s wrists that will now never truly let go. Not in his mind, at least. Eddie’s seen it before. But he’s going to do whatever it takes to get them off. Here and then after. Whatever comes, Buck never has to be alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sips tea.* Hey, so yeah, this is the second last chapter! Wow, were you expecting that? I wasn't. But to be fair I didn't put the amount of chapters 'cause I felt like it would be spoiling it a little and I wasn't sure if it would be ten or twelve until I got to this point.  
> There's some things I could say, but I'll leave that until the final one. Enjoy!

“That’s awesome, Christopher, you’re going to ace that test for sure!” Shannon says excitedly as Christopher shows up his mock practice quiz she drew up for him. Eddie has no doubt that ever since she started helping him with his homework, that’s been the reason why his grades have been up. He himself tries to help him, but he was never the best student and being a prison guard is exhausting, added on with the extra shifts to pay back the money from Christopher’s fund and to be around Buck more, it all piles on. Shannon’s busy too with being an associate alongside Michael, but she has a bit more leeway. It’s rare actually, that they get to all three sit down together like this. It’s nice though. Makes him warm and happy, and Christopher’s happiness and resounding smile are all but worth it too.

“Thanks m- mom.” He says all smiles. He’s almost fourteen and both he and Shannon have been able to sigh in a bit of relief to know that his cognitive impairments are mostly limited to a slight stutter and a need to read slowly to put it in laymen terms. But even with that, he’s growing up perfectly. There’s no doubt in his mind that his son will be in college before he knows it, before they both do. It’s moments like these that he’s so grateful that Shannon came back, that they both did, and they both didn’t give up.

“How about you finish getting ready for school, and then your mom can take you.” He offers.

Christopher looks between them with a smile dancing on his lips, smart enough to already guessing why they want him out of the room for a moment. “G- Grown up s- stuff?” He questions. “I- Is it about B- Buck?”

“Don’t worry about Buck, sweetie, we’re helping him.” Shannon says with a defiant nod, a shine in her eyes that says that she’s going to win. Eddie’s missed that look on her, it looks good on her.

Christopher smiles wide. “Go- Good.” He says before heading to his bedroom to gather his things for school.

“I’m guessing this is about what I found?” She asks him, her arm in the cast moving slightly. He hates to see it, but the bruises have faded and her brain is fine. But it still hurts to think of what could have happened. Of her leaving again even though it wouldn’t have been her fault, it would have been his. He got her involved in this and how he’s stretched so thin trying to take care of all of them, he doesn’t even know where to start. “Eddie you know I can’t tell you.”

“I- I know, but you could.” He can’t help but counter, a swirling mess of confusion and curiosity. He wants to know more than anything.

“You’d be an accessory after the fact, and Christopher needs a least one parent in the clear.”

“Don’t say that.” He begs her, but he doesn’t ask her to back down or to stop, and there’s guilt for that. A lot of it, but every time he tries, he sees Buck’s lost eyes.

“I know how important this case is to you and Christopher, how important Buck is, why else do you think I got on board? It was my decision, okay? And all you need to know is that this is going to help Buck. It’s going to help us get a fair shot. Everyone deserves that, it’s why I went into law and you know that.”

He smiles softly as he remembers the late nights, with him overseas, her studying hard. A baby on the way and in every spare moment she had, a textbook in her lap. They were happy once, weren’t they? But now, try as he might, all he feel is simple nostalgia. He’s not sure if he actually wants to go back to all that, and that scares him more than he can say.

“Thank you.” Is all he ends up saying in the end.

She reaches for his hand and squeezes. “We’ll get your boy out. Don’t worry, we’ve got a plan.”

“And I can’t know any of it right?”

“Actually… Maddie wants you to be there today. I voted against it, but she’s insisted, she’s going to call you later.”

Eddie stills at that, more confusion clouding in and maybe some hope too, to be in the in. It’s sort of like they’ve got a team forming, but Shannon did say that’s how a lot of these high profile cases are. And Buck’s is high profile. The news was all over it at the appeal and Michael says, the retrial will be worse. America loves football. America loves murder. America loves a love story gone wrong, and whatever else the media spins it all up with. Michael said not to worry about that either though, they’ve got their own PR team, headed by someone named Ali that they trust.

“Should I say yes?” He ends up asking her, because he does, so much, but he trusts Shannon’s judgment, her legal judgment and personal too. They’ve known each other long enough not to be able to lie to the other all that much, and he knows how smart she is. How that’s really where Christopher gets his smarts from.

“You can say whatever you want, Eddie, but I know that you have some anger issues…” He freezes, more guilt and anger of all things as he tries to look away but she continues anyway. “And we can’t afford to have anything screw this up. So think long and hard about it.”

He can sort of guess where this is going now as he nods and tells her honestly, “I will.”

“I’m r- ready!” Christopher calls.

Shannon smiles wide, lovingly before she kisses his cheek and whispers just for them, “He’s a good guy, your Buck, you could do worse,” and runs after their son. Eddie smiles a little, confused and uncertain, but as he sips his coffee it falls. And then he’s picking up a crossword that he hates, anything but to think of what Shannon just said.

She likes to tease him though, that’s all that was. Yeah. She knows that Buck is in a shitty situation and that’s all there is to it. He’s just being nice, doing the right thing for once. Yeah. _Yeah._ And so what if they’re friends? If he cares about him, that’s not weird, it’s normal. They spend a lot of time together, and Christopher loves him already just by exchanging letters. After this long, he’s practically family, him and Maddie, and Chimney. That’s all there is to it.

Shit, he’s going to be late for work.

~

Maddie does call and she asks him if he wants to come with her and Chimney, and Shannon and Michael. When he asks where exactly they’re going her reply is simple, “Home.” He doesn’t quite understand or maybe he does and just doesn’t want to think about it. He knows without a doubt with the crack in her voice that she’s not talking about her and Buck’s parents, but her parents-in-law. They want to confront them, or at least threaten them with the information they found, and it’s a not bad idea, really it isn’t. But it makes him afraid, scared for Shannon, for all of them. So he has no choice really but to say that he will go.

“So you’re coming then?” Chimney asks as they stand in the breakroom, a noticeable emptiness between them. Hen isn’t here, and her last day of work is on Friday. Then she’s officially a doctor, an intern at Bench Memorial, and they couldn’t be happier for her, really, but it does hurt. It feels sort of like a loss. Unreal too.

“Yeah.” He tells him. “How can I not?”

“Look, we don’t mean to keep you out of everything, it’s just, Shannon. She wants to protect you.” Eddie scoffs, he can’t help it. “Hey, she cares about you, and Christopher. If something happens to her, she wants to make sure that you’ll be there to take care of him. You guys get a long, which I find surprising, but it’s great and- and you can agree on this, right?”

Eddie stares, a little perplexed. “Why do you care so much? Do you still have a crush on her?”

Chimney’s cheeks redden considerably. “N- No. I just- I care about her too, alright? Okay? I’m with Maddie, and-”

“I’m only joking, you can relax. I know that you guys were sort of friends before and are now.”

Chimney does a little before he asks curiously, “Did you tell Buck?”

Eddie stutters in his movements a little at that before saying, “How can I? You’ve seen him lately. It’s like… Fuck. I don’t know, it’s like he’s lost something.”

“I know. Maddie’s worried too, so am I.”

“What do we do?”

Chimney shrugs. “I don’t know, but what I do know is that we can threaten those bastards who made Maddie and his life a living hell, and get Buck a chance to get out of here with that appeal. Michael and Shannon, they’re sure that he’ll be found not guilty in a new trial, or at least with the evidence of corruption-”

“Corruption?” He interrupts, and Chimney pauses. Eddie nods his head saying, “Right, one of the things I’m not supposed to know about.”

Chimney eyes him carefully as his own anger swirls in. He throws his uniform down and tries to breathe, but even for him, the stress is getting to him. “Alright, look,” Chimney starts before he’s leaning in a little closer, “Buck’s lawyer had a hefty sum deposited in his account. Paid off all his law school debt in one go after the trial was over. It doesn’t end there… The things the Kendall’s were into…”

Chimney shudders and pulls away. “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

But he does, he really does.

“Just know that it’s going to help, Buck.” Chimney says with a defiant nod of his head, and Eddie gets it. He does. It’s just hard. Truthfully he’s not sure he does want to know the whole truth, but from what Maddie told him, the Kendall’s probably had something to do with drugs. It would make sense, but he’s still not sure how this ties into the death of their son. Two separate crimes? And Shannon just dug too deep in the latter? Or was Doug into it too? Does Buck know? Did Maddie? She claims ignorance, but it’s easy to claim that after the fact.

“Come on, they’re outside waiting.” Chimney says as he check his phone briefly.

And Eddie hurries up, slinking his shirt on before he’s following after. Nothing like a little road trip to their sworn enemy’s house. Maybe they really are in someone’s novel, like the one’s he and Buck read now. It is a bit ridiculous, but when he listened to Maddie’s story, the way everything just spiraled out of control, he can understand that. Better than he wants to. Because that’s sort of how this is. Once there was a kid, only eighteen with fear in his eyes, now there’s a drug connection and a twenty one year old who’s losing his hope and sanity. _Buck._

“You guys ready?” Michael asks, looking between them all. “If anyone wants to back out, now would be the time. Once we show our faces… There’s no going back.”

Shannon’s eyes briefly glance with his, a hope in them for him to do just that, but he’s not backing down. Not when Buck’s shadows grow darker along under his eyes. Not when he doesn’t talk as much as he used to, be as happy as he once was.

“I’m ready.”

~

They look so normal. Eddie isn’t sure what he was expecting, maybe some scales or red glaring eyes. Maybe he’s been reading too many of Christopher’s comic books, but most of his own books are in a cell with Buck, some sort of comfort, he hopes, for him. But they’re normal, with weathered hands and smiles that are normal. Just that.

“Maddie, it’s good to see you again.” It’s a lie, they can all taste it. But Marsha Kendall almost looks genuine, as though she did want to see her. He remembers Maddie saying something about them saying something about family, it’s all sort of a blur. After Maddie began with the way she left Buck because she thought she’d get him a better life, Eddie could only feel a weighted horror at the end of that terrible tale, and it was hard to listen to.

“I’ll keep it simple and short.” Maddie says firmly, Michael closing his mouth just as she speaks, and so do the rest of them. This is Maddie’s fight more than theirs, but his fists shake and he wants to hurt them. Hurt them like Buck is hurting. Instead he tries to breathe as Shannon gives him a warning look. Now he sees why she warned him before, but f _uck_. How can he just sit here and not do anything? But how can he do or be anywhere else? Anger or no anger that makes him want to explode and hurt, and bleed.

“My brother is up for an appeal on his case. I want you to not interfere, no- I’m not asking. You won’t interfere.”

Marsha frowns and Doug Senior is quick to say, “Now, now, what are you talking about Maddie? The system will prevail in justice for what happened.”

“It will.” Maddie concedes. “Without your help, it will.”

“We welcome you and your friends into your home, and now with this tone.” Marsha clucks her tongue. “What did we ever do to you to deserve this?”

Maddie falters only for a moment, before Chimney’s hand is on hers, his strength given to her. Eddie watches their movements, his heart aching for his own strength. For a hand in his. For Buck. He should be here. Fuck he should be here.

“If you don’t back away from this, I’ll give this to the cops and the media.” Maddie places a USB on the table, pushing it towards them. “Don’t worry, we made copies.”

They stand up and Maddie says simply to their shocked and worried faces, “Thanks for the tea.”

Shannon glares, her own set of anger for the cast she still wears, thankfully it will be off soon. Eddie doesn’t do or say anything, and he’s ashamed, but Buck needs him not on assault charges, on losing his job. Buck needs him to be here and to not make it worse. Shannon must see some of that in him or see something, because once their outside she says to him with surprise, “Wow, I can’t believe you didn’t say anything, Mr. Anger Diaz.”

“Must be love.” Chimney chimes in.

And Eddie has no qualms hitting him, lightly of course, but enough to get him to hold up his hands and shut up. “It’s not like that.” He tells them as they pile back into Michael’s van.

In the end it’s Maddie who says with a warm and lighter smile than ever before, “Whatever it is, my brother’s lucky to have you in his life.”

His response is immediate and very, very true, “I’m the lucky one.” He thinks of Buck’s smile, and laughter, and his self-sacrifice. And his love. The way he cares, and the way his sadness and sorrow weigh him down. The way, despite all of that, Buck always asks how he is. How Christopher is and Shannon. About his niece. How he’d spend twenty five years behind bars, just to keep his sister and her, safe. Yeah, there’s no doubt in his mind, he is the lucky one.

~

On Buck’s twenty first birthday, he sneaks in a little rum and Buck smiles all cheeky and alive. “What you don’t think I haven’t drunk before have you? I was a footballer, star quarterback. There were a lot of parties.”

Eddie laughs, and warmth fills in as he says back, “Cheers?” And they clink together some paper cups, and drink to a better future, but Buck’s smile isn’t quite there and it hurts to see. Hurts more than that fear from before ever did.

The appeal is a few months later, and Buck’s case is ordered for a retrial, and the happiness that fills him is overwhelming. It feels like they’ve waited forever, it feels like it would never happen, but when he looks to Buck across the courtroom to see his smile, there are only tears and something breaking free from within. And then he’s bribing the guard to have a moment alone with Buck in the bathroom and Buck is crying. Sobbing, and he doesn’t know what to do. He tries to hold him, to tell him that it’s okay now.

But soft and small, Buck asks, “Kiss me?”

And how can he deny him? In that moment, his heart strings are pulled and the world is better and terrible because of how long it took. Because of the cuffs on Buck’s wrists that will now never truly let go. Not in his mind, at least. Eddie’s seen it before. But he’s going to do whatever it takes to get them off. Here and then after. Whatever comes, Buck never has to be alone again.

He kisses him along his forehead and holds his face in his hands, holds him as tears well up in his eyes. He wants to say something, this moment so tense and so much more, but a baton bangs on the bathroom door and the guard calls, “Time!” So he has to go, and he does. Leaving Buck wiping messily at the tears and snot, and everything else that comes.

 _Just hold on, Buck._ That’s what he means to say. _Just a little longer._

But he’s not an idiot, he can see the way Buck traces his scars along his arms and beyond, as though they were a good memory, oppose to the worst.

And he’s never thought much of Doug, about him or otherwise, but in these moments, he can’t help but think that he died too easily.

~

He grows more concerned, as the days pass by, it seems a little more of Buck’s- whatever makes him, _him_ , does too, pass by that is. Eddie tries everything he can to bring it back, even brings Buck some drawings that Christopher makes, but Buck slips into something deeper and darker. And it doesn’t take a psychologist to see that it’s the big ugly word of depression. Shannon points it out to him, Chimney too because of Maddie, and before he knows it, he’s not just guarding Buck from other prisoners, but from himself. A new kind of fear that’s worse somehow.

He should be happy, Buck should be. The trial is about to start and there is a tasted freedom in the air never before touched for him, for them, but Buck’s eyes are lost. The only time he looks a little more, human is outside at rec time. When his eyes are on distant trees and fields of grass, where birds fly above him and he watches them go. Buck watches the birds, and he watches Buck.

It scares him one day when Buck looks more frantic and alive than ever before, because it’s such a stark contrast, that Eddie is left reeling. As soon as he walks in with a new book, Buck grabs onto his arm and asks sternly, “You’re off tomorrow, right? You won’t be here?”

He shakes his head, but something within crawls and clings, and he feels sick with dread. “No, Buck. It’s my day off. I was going to take Christopher to the park with Shannon. He’s been drawing a new picture for you. I’ll bring it the day after.” And he finds that he’s almost begging, trying to get it through to Buck that he needs to be around then, because he’s not sure when it started. This terrible and horrible, foreboding fear that when he arrives one day, Buck will be on his cell floor in a pile of blood again, only this time, by his own hand.

But Buck doesn’t look all that interested in the drawing which is unlike him, instead he only nods his head and smiles softly, almost relieved as he says, “Good.”

“Buck.” He says and grabs his arms. “You’ll be fine right?”

Buck’s almost through twenty one. The trial will start after his next birthday, it’s too far away, he knows that it is, but these things take time. And it’s worth the wait, after it, Buck could be free. So close, yet so far away. He knows this too, but after four years, a few months is hardly anything, right? Except that Buck traces his scars and his eyes yearn for some kind of freedom, like the birds. He said once about souls and flying, and Eddie is so scared, he barely sleeps anymore.

Buck smiles sadly as he avoids the question completely and asks, “Did you bring me those cookies again?”

And Eddie pulls them out dumbly, uncertain and almost numb. A numbness that spreads, and as soon as he’s out of his cell with Buck, he asks Rick to switch him shifts. He doesn’t tell Buck, he doesn’t get the chance before lights out. And then next day, when he sees him across the pit, Buck’s eyes morph into terror. Eddie doesn’t understand why until something hard and heavy comes down on the back of his head.

~

There’s shouting and yelling, and he swears he hears a gunshot, a ringing that will not stop. His body is moving but it feels languid and lugged. Like a sack of potatoes. He’s aware, but not really. His head aches and something burns as something wet and warm trickles down his cheek. Something that smells like pennies. _Blood._

“WOOHOO!” Someone’s yelling and he’s dizzy and nothing looks right, but he swears there’s a fire.

**_Bang._**

He startles, and someone laughs.

He tries to hang on, but he’s drifting. He fights against it, against his own body. The image of Buck swirling in his mind, the concern so overwhelming, it burns down into his chest like he’s having a heart attack or something. But his body hurts and aches, and his head is throbbing. Everything is dizzy and ringing, and he can’t- he can’t- he just-

_Can’t._

~

_There is no fire or pain, they’re in a bed and Buck breathes into his neck so wonderfully. He holds him, and Eddie finds himself holding on back. Before he knows it, he has a kiss lingering in Buck’s hair and a hand running along his cheek. It wakes him up, but the soft sleepy and only happy smile that he gets in return more than makes up for any guilt he feels for it. “What are you doing?” Buck asks, a little groggy, eyes still shut despite the way his smile warms._

_“Kissing you.” Is all Eddie can say as he leans in to do just that, properly this time. Without any care or thought in the world but that man in his arms, and the life that they now share. Have._

_“Dad!” Christopher calls, and they both groan as they pull away, his son smiling, young and unafraid in the doorway of their bedroom. “M- Mom’s coming for b- breakfast.”_

_He smiles and arches an eyebrow. “Is she?”_

_“I- I’ll get d- dressed.” Christopher says before he’s gone again._

_Eddie leans in for one last slip of lips against Buck’s before Buck opens his eyes more awake and asks, “Pancakes?”_

_“Pancakes.” Eddie agrees easily as he kisses Buck a little more deeply, wanting a little more, but then Christopher is calling again, saying they’re going to be late, and they both laugh as they struggle to let go, and get out of bed._

_“And you said that you wanted another one.” Eddie says with a groan._

_Buck’s cheeky laughter is everything as he says, “But you agreed.”_

_“I said maybe.”_

_But as they get ready, Eddie sees the scars, along Buck’s forearm, white and real, and- and bloody-_

_“Buck!”_

“Buck!” He jolts away and the hands in his hair still their movements, a hand on his arm and chest, rubbing softly. A voice he recognizes trying to be soothing. “It’s okay, Eddie.” It says- he says. “I’ve got you.”

His head aches and throbs, and everything smells like smoke and mold, and molten ash. Gunpowder isn’t too far behind, but above all of it, is the blood. He looks to Buck, realizing that his head is suddenly pillowed in his lap and heavy, oh so heavy, and that they’re on a floor so cold. He reaches up, looking for any injuries but Buck moves his hand away. “I’m fine.” He promises. “I wasn’t the one hurt, Eddie. Are you okay? You’re head…”

He feels something now, a cloth maybe over top, stemming the blood, holding him together. He feels nauseous and out of it, and the dream felt so real, he’s not sure what is real until he looks at Buck’s arms and sees only fading scars. No blood. Buck is fine. Buck is okay. It’s the only thing that allows him to breathe.

“How cute.” Someone says, and Eddie is sitting up, too quickly, but Buck helps him even with worry in his eyes and words that go against such actions. It’s then that Eddie sees where they are, in the laundry room, but there are no guards anywhere, just a man with a gun, a prisoner. Black, smile, dangerous. Race doesn’t matter, accept that it does in here and the only thing keeping Buck safe was the bikers, the white ones.

“Wh- Wha….t’s go….in…g on…?” He asks, his speech noticeably slurred, but he’s not asking him, he’s asking Buck. He knows without thought that he’s not in any position to be making demands of this man, the one with the gun.

“It was your day off, Eddie.” Buck says almost brokenly, and he looks to him, he sees just how broken he feels. Lip wobbling, all Eddie wants to do is kiss him, assure him that it’s going to be fine, but he can’t. The dream mingling with reality. And he feels the edges of his stream of consciousness fading, his strength. He’s never felt more helpless.

He knows what this is. The fire and smoke, the prisoners with guns. _Welcome to fucking Riot._ Where the riots are few and far between, but happen all the same.

“You might have protection from those biker assholes, but you don’t from me.” The man says just as a few others come in, smiles on their faces and Eddie knows that this riot isn’t for demands. It’s either for escape or fun, and by the way they smile, he’s guessing the latter. “From us.” Another says.

“Hey! Let go of me!” Jacey yells as he’s pulled in, and Buck freezes, his hands locked into Eddie’s shirt. Eddie watches him, confusion flickering within at the way Buck reacts, but they have been in the same cell for a long time and they’re friends, aren’t they?

“Found another one, boss.” The guy says before throwing Jacey in with the two of them, up against the wall, surrounded and cornered, Eddie’s heart speeds up. Even more so when he does an inventory of himself and finds that he no longer has any of his weapons, or even his walkie. Stripped of those sureties, with only a uniform that means little to nothing in these circumstances.

Still, he tries.

“I’m a C….O, yo…u hu….rt m….e, and af….t…ter this is o….ver…”

The guys chuckle as though he said something funny. “We’re just the hired help… The Kendall’s say hello by the way.”

He freezes, as does Buck, and their eyes lock as Jacey’s terrified ones go between them all. They wouldn’t dare… Not with… With the evidence they’ve gathered- with-

“Eddie?” Buck asks, voice growing more concerned and frantic, and scarily, distant. “Eddie!?”

“Let him sleep. We’re not here for him anyway.” One of them says. “At least not yet.”

And Eddie fights, he fights against it all but he’s falling head first into a waterfall. His head throbs and the blood takes him back as guns go **_bang – bang – bang –_** here, and in another time. Another place.

 _No,_ he thinks to himself, _not now._

It hurts to fight, but he does. He fights. He fights. He-

_F –_

_I s_

_F_

_a_

_d_

_i_

_n_

_g._

The darkness edges in and he can still hear, faint voices, feel as he’s lightly put down, as his body aches with more pain. He tries to speak, but no words will come. He tries to do anything, but he’s trapped. Sinking. Sinking. S _inking._ Until he’s not sure what is a dream and what is real. Terror and love, they mix together into something new and horrible and wonderful, and he sees birds flying high. Feels the touch of lips to his skin. Of a silent but broken promise, to have his back too. In here.

_“Mom’s coming.”_

_‘Choose. Which one. Choose, or we don’t be so generous.’_

_“Pancakes?”_

_‘You want him safe? You have to pay the piper, and there’s someone who really wants you to pay.’_

_“Hey, Shan.” – “Buck, how are you? We’re still on for pizza night, right?”_

_‘…Red?’_

Wake up, Eddie.

Wake up.

Wake up… _Eddie._

**_Wake up!_ **

****

****

****

_Who the hell is Eddie?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your support! I love hearing your thoughts, so if you have time, feel free to leave a comment! :)


	10. Shannon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Skull fracture.” Are the words she hears out of it all really. Her son is in her arms, asleep on her shoulder and she’s surrounded by people who care. They’re all listening animatedly, including Hen more so than the others being a doctor and all. She’ll ask her if she has any questions. Right now, she just wants to hold her son and forget that all these bad things can happen. “We’ll monitor him and see where it goes from here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warnings are in the end notes as they are spoilery. Please feel free to scroll down and read them before reading this chapter.  
> A few people were a little confused, so for clarification Doug Senior in the previous chapter is Doug's father, Mr. Kendall. Doug is most definitely dead. Hope that helps!  
> I was initially going to make this 10 chapters, but 12 seems to be the better bet, hope you all don't mind. :) Enjoy!

Shannon gets the call in the middle of the night on a Tuesday. It’s dark outside and when she sits up, glasses on the tip of her nose, she can see the big furry white snow, falling down below onto the outside world. It’s something Texas and LA both never had. She’s never really gotten used to the cold weather here yet, but she has to admit it is pretty. “Diaz.” She answers automatically into the phone, eyes crinkling up in tired arrays of pinched skin. She reaches for her clock and stares at the quarter past two with confusion.

“ _Shannon Diaz?_ ” The voice asks, careful and polite, but somewhat urgent.

“Yes, that’s me.” She tells whoever this is, but within herself she feels a startled panicking that grows and grows as every breath that’s taken between now and whatever the hell is going on becomes more and more prolonged. Her first thought is of her son, but if that were the case, Eddie would be calling her. So that can only mean…

“ _Hi, I’m Dr. Richman at Bench Memorial hospital. I’m guessing no one has contacted you, yet?_ ” She pulls the phone away and notices a good many missed calls. Shit. She’s a heavy sleeper, she’s gone whole nights without hearing her phone, whole days too, but for some reason this one is the one that wakes her up. Is it fate? God? She stares out the window at the big snowflakes falling more rapidly, and wonders.

“No, they haven’t, what’s going on?” She’s already got the lamp switched on and is reaching for her tossed clothes from the night before, changing into them without a second thought. Most of her missed calls were from Michael and Chimney. It doesn’t take a genius to connect the dots. Her heart hammers and she needs to know. She needs this doctor to just tell her.

It doesn’t make sense though, Eddie’s shift was yesterday, not the night one so… So it must be something else, right? A freak accident, a- a- anything but what she’s fearing right now.

“ _You’re listed as the emergency contact to Eddie Diaz, as well as his next of kin. He’s here right now and stable, but I’m sorry to tell you that he’s been severely injured. We need you to come in as soon as possible._ ”

She steals her breath and freezes at the implications. For one moment, she doesn’t do or say anything. Everything is cold, as though a bucket of ice water has landed on her head. “I’ll be right there.” She hangs up and calls Michael back as she slips on her jeans and tee shirt, out the door just as he picks up.

“ _It’s about time, where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to reach you._ ” Michael says in a terrified and urgent voice.

“I just got a call from a doctor at Bench Memorial, and I’m on my way but I need you to tell me exactly what the hell happened to the father of my kid.”

She’s halfway to her car now and the snow gathers in her hair, she shivers having forgotten her jacket, but it’s too late go back. It’s too late for even that.

“ _A riot broke out at the prison, Eddie switched shifts with Rick, another CO, and he ended up injured severely… He wasn’t alone. They found him in the laundry room with the dead body of Buck’s roommate, Buck, and another guy stabbed to death. I’m at the hospital, but I’m just about to leave because they’re trying to question Buck now for this.”_

“That’s insane!” She half whispers and yells, the darkness outside and the late hour making it feel like she should be quiet. Even though there’s no one around.

“ _Yeah, well I know that. I’m just about to leave and-”_

“They’re questioning him right now?”

“ _Apparently he didn’t ask for his lawyer.”_

She swears under her breath and says, “That idiot.” Eddie always would say that about him, and she thought he was just over exaggerating, but in this moment she has no doubt of it. And she won’t be doubting Eddie very again when it comes to her client, to his Buck.

“ _You sound like Eddie._ ” Michael says, a clear joking tone in there somewhere, but it falls flat at the seriousness of the situation, at however injured he really is. And her chest aches and pulls to be there with him, to figure what the fuck it is, out. To find Christopher, her son, but the prison is only fifteen minutes away from where she lives, forty for Michael at the hospital.

“I’m going to the prison.” She tells him, and before he can argue, asks, “Do you know where Christopher is?”

“ _He’s here with Carla, and Maddie and Chimney. Hen too. Athena and Bobby are on their way. He’s fine, Shan. Just asking for you_.”

“Tell him I’ll be there soon.” And her voice breaks a little because he must be so scared, but he’s not alone, and right now Buck is. And she’s doing this for him, but she’s also doing it for Eddie. Because she knows him, and if he were fine, he’d be here already. On his way to Buck. To save the day, like some kind of hero. But it seems that he’s already done that in some way. She’ll get the whole story later, or soon, depending on how Buck is.

“ _I will, but… Shannon, you should know… It’s bad._ ”

She pushes the tears away and nods even though he’s not here to see. “I’ll be there when I can.”

If Eddie could, he’d tell her simply, Christopher’s fine and so is he, but Buck isn’t. He wouldn’t want her anywhere else but by Buck’s side before he can make a massive mistake. One that could truly cost him his case, and his life.

As Eddie would say, _idiota,_ and he’d be right.

~

“Please tell me that you are not interviewing my client without my presence?” Her voice is steely and serious, and there is no room for argument. She’s more sure of herself than anyone in the room, and that’s how she has to be, in court and elsewhere. Her courtroom voice as Eddie used to call it. As Christopher still does. Apparently it’s different from her mom voice, which made her just the littlest bit pleased to know her son pays attention to her for so long. His forgiveness wasn’t even needed to be asked, he just asked that she stay and don’t leave again. That was easy to grant, she’s not leaving, not for the world.

“And you are?” One of the guards raises his eyebrows and she has to resist the urge to scoff or roll her eyes, but she supposes for the sake of fairness, they do have a good point to ask. She does look a little like a hot mess, a messy bun and clothes are wrinkled, not even a blazer despite the coldness inside and out, but she wasn’t focused on her wardrobe when she got the call. Her only thought was of Eddie and her son, and now it’s of Buck.

It’s become easier to compartmentalize. Perks of being a lawyer she supposes, Michael says that he does the same. They have drinks sometimes, and if he wasn’t gayer than all of Philly, she’d have made a move. Shows her type, doesn’t it? She can chuckle about it now, but before it was a little hard, but she supposes she always knew about Eddie in some off way. They were best friends but when it came to anything more, he was always pushing. Trying almost too hard. Not what he wanted, but what was expected of him instead.

“Shannon Diaz, lawyer.” Her ID is in her hands before anything else.

“Oh, Eddie’s wife.” One says.

Now she does roll her eyes, but her patience is wearing thin because Eddie is in the hospital, stable condition but it’s bad. Whatever that means, and Buck is here. Curled up, and turned away from everyone and everything. He’s not loud or boisterous, doesn’t even try to put up a front, maybe it’s because they’re not that close and he doesn’t feel like he has to in front of her, or maybe it’s because of what just happened. Either way, there is blood on his sleeve, and she can tell easily that it’s not his. He’s not injured, at least not in any way that she can see with his face turned away like this.

“Ex, but also a lawyer, and Buck’s. So unless you want a lawsuit for his violation of Constitutional Rights of due process, you’ll step aside gentlemen.”

They look from one to another and try again with, “He didn’t ask for you.”

“Still his lawyer and I’m here so leave, and no recording of this. Trust me, I’ll find out.”

Eventually it’s enough and they leave, not worth the fight she supposes but not before one of them turns back and says harshly, “We need the truth. Get it out of him or else he’s taking the fall.”

She’s not sure if it’s a kindness or a warning, but he’s gone before she can read anything on his features into it. As soon as he is gone though, she’s pulling up a chair beside Buck who flinches a little at the scrapping of the metal. “Buck?” She asks tentatively, something dark and dangerous swirling in her chest. “It’s Shannon.”

Nothing. He doesn’t even attempt to look her way or move anymore muscles. “Eddie’s stable. But it’s bad apparently, and I need to be with him. To make some decisions. So I need to fix this here so I can go. You understand that, right?”

And maybe she’s talking to him like she would to Christopher and maybe she’s being too hard on him, but she’s stressed. On edge, and she needs Buck to talk to her. She wants to help him, and she can hear Eddie’s voice in the back of her head willing her to do something. A _nything._ But let Buck suffer.

Once upon a time, it would have made her jealous and angry, and confused. Now she’s just sorry that she can’t do more. Not just for Eddie’s sake, but for Buck’s. Her mom always used to say that she cares too much and is too passionate. In being a lawyer she was told that’s a hindrance, you can’t win them all and some people you’re going to have to let go of. But Buck was seventeen and although Maddie hasn’t told them everything, she’s not an idiot. Her main concern is her client, but Buck made it clear, that they go with his story or they don’t go with any. Her job is to listen to her client. To put him first. But more than that, Buck means the world to Eddie, and to Christopher. And in a strange way, he means something to her too. Despite being behind bars, he was taking care of her family when she couldn’t.

Anyway, she’d like to say that one day, they could even be friends.

“Eddie…” Buck whispers and it’s not a question, more like something blowing desperately and quietly in a breeze, disappearing just as soon as it comes. No real meaning to it, but Buck does look up and what Shannon sees takes her breath away. He looks more than lost, he looks like he has been erased.

“He’s fine, for now. And you can tell me what happened, you know I can’t tell anyone else.” She goes on, but Buck says nothing, still frozen in some kind of shock. “Or don’t. But it’s in everyone’s best interests that you explain that Jacey killed the other prisoner, Shawn because Shawn hurt Eddie and Eddie killed Jacey before passing out.”

She’s pretty proud of herself for that lie, made it up right on the spot. She gives this Jacey more leeway in his memory, not that it matters much to her but he’s been Buck’s roommate for a couple years. She hopes it can be some small comfort, but even thinking those words she knows how fucked up that is.

“Jacey killed Shawn because he hurt Eddie and Eddie killed Jacey before passing out.” Buck repeats, but his voice isn’t his own, and then like breaking ice he smiles.

Shannon can’t help but mirror it, relief tinged in her own, but Buck’s smile is gone just as suddenly. “Hurry up and bring the guards in, I’ll explain and then you need to go and be with Eddie. H- He can’t be alone.”

His eyes are now desperate, hand hanging onto her wrist. “And Christopher…” He trails off, more pain in his voice than ever before.

“He’s fine.” She reassures, and it’s an odd thing to reassure someone other than Eddie about her son, but it’s just that. Nothing more, nothing less. _Friends._ She wants them to be friends.

Buck nods and wipes at his face where there have been tears, but try as she might, she can’t see any more shedding now. And maybe that should scare her more. Either way, Buck is right, she has to get back to the hospital, and the sooner this is over, the better. She gets up and bangs on the door. “Guard!” She calls, eyes drifting to Buck’s pale ones. There’s a scrape across his cheek and she falters. Not really noticing it before, but she steals herself, because she might be a little shocked and ‘off’ but she wasn’t the one that just lived through a prison riot. The shortest in probably history, only a night and a half day, but still. She did hear the guards talking. Five dead so far. Several injured.

And whispers, something about a drug supply getting cut off.

“Buck…” She starts before the guards can get here. “Do you know who did this?”

It’s just a nagging, a pulling in her gut. Really, an outlandish idea, but in this profession those are the best ones.

“Oh.” Buck says as though he hadn’t even thought of it and then he cowers a little and almost like he doesn’t mean to says, “Kendall’s.” A breathless whisper, but there’s no emotion there. A lost acceptance maybe, maybe something more deadly. Something that needs no name.

“Is he ready to talk?” The guard says as soon as he opens the door, but she’s looking at Buck, uncertain and off kilter. “Lady?”

“Ms. Diaz is fine.” She replies curtly, her courtroom voice back, and the face to match too.

First she gets Buck out of this, then she goes to the hospital, and after that- then they take care of the rest. Because it seems threats aren’t enough here. They were for the Kendall’s at one time, but Maddie was right, they’re far more dangerous than any of them had ever thought. This right here is proof of that.

~

“Skull fracture.” Are the words she hears out of it all really. Her son is in her arms, asleep on her shoulder and she’s surrounded by people who care. They’re all listening animatedly, including Hen more so than the others being a doctor and all. She’ll ask her if she has any questions. Right now, she just wants to hold her son and forget that all these bad things can happen. “We’ll monitor him and see where it goes from here.”

The doctor leaves and Shannon buries a kiss into the top of her son’s head, her heart thrumming dangerously under her veins. At the moment there’s nothing they can do for Eddie, but for Buck and this shitty situation, there’s a lot. And in a way, it is for Eddie too. Because now they’ve come after him. She knew he shouldn’t have come to the Kendall’s house. Fuck. She knew it was a bad idea, but Maddie insisted and Eddie is like a bull sometimes. He’d never listen to her, at least not really. Not when it comes to Buck or anyone else he cares about.

“It’s good news, right? He could be fine.” Chimney says.

Athena nods. “You’re right, it could have been worse, but knowing Eddie, he’ll pull through.”

Bobby holds her close and she tries to believe them. She wants nothing more than to stay here with Christopher in her arms until he wakes up, gets better, whatever comes first. But this is serious, and it could be life changing. The doctor didn’t mention brain damage, but that’s only because they need to first wait and see if he’ll make it through the night, through the worst of this. If he’ll even wake up.

“Can you take him?” She asks Karen who smiles easily and scoops Christopher up in her arms. He only almost wakes up once, but soon he’s back down for the count, and her heart warms at the sight.

“Michael, Maddie, I need to talk to you both.” She tells them and the others look curious but they get the message as they head to a more quieter room, only Chimney ignores his name not being called. Him and Maddie are joined at the hip lately. She can understand why. Maddie’s probably never been able to relax once in her whole life because of all of this. It just doesn’t end, but it needs to. They need to end it.

“What did Buck say? Is he okay? When can I see him?” Maddie asks anxiously.

“He’s fine.” The lie tastes bitter on her lips, but the rest is the truth or at least as close to it as she can make it. “The prison’s in lockdown, probably for the next month so none of us will be able to visit him aside from me or Michael. But that’s not why I needed to talk to you all.”

“What is it, Shannon?” Michael asks, arms crossed and something knowing in his eyes too.

“I think I know how the riot happened, and why Buck and Eddie were hurt.”

“What are you talking about?” Maddie asks, confused.

“Chimney I think you should leave the room.” She tells him plainly, but Chimney shakes his head stubbornly, hand clutching onto Maddie’s.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He states.

She considers him for a long moment before nodding. It’s his choice and by Maddie’s grateful features, it’s hers too. “The drug supply into the prison, stopped. It obviously ramped up tensions and if a few prisoners were to get a bit of extra cash to make sure those tensions stayed high, it would be the perfect distraction to take care of a certain man who’s in the way. Two in fact… Of course, this is only speculation.”

She can’t mention what Buck said about the Kendall’s, not in front of Maddie or Chimney, but when her eyes meet Michael’s, she can see the question behind them. She nods only once and understanding comes across his features. And she’s never really gotten angry about any of this, about her own car accident or the dirty business of this family, but when Chimney says, “We can’t be sure though, there’s no proof.” She snaps a little.

“I’m sure!” She half yells, startling everyone. “Sorry. It’s just, I am, I have it on good authority and I don’t think threatening them is the way to do this. I think we need to give this information to Athena and to Ali to circulate in the media. After that, there will be no choice but for the two of them to get arrested. Their accounts will be frozen and Buck will be free- Not free, free, but free enough to have a fair trial and all of us to be safe. If they can orchestrate something like this in prison, imagine what else they could do.”

“But why go to all the trouble of a prison riot?” Maddie asks.

“Because of the bikers.” Michael answers for her. “They’re protecting him, and if another faction killed Buck, then they’d have to retaliate, and pretty soon it would be an all-out war. More than, the drug trade is a delicate ecosystem in there. That would be affected too. Not to mention that Eddie’s a guard, that in itself is a problem.”

Everyone suddenly looks to Chimney who nods. “Well, he is right.”

“So we follow through with the threat that we made?” Maddie says almost hesitantly. “That will keep Buck and all of us safe? It will help get him out?”

“We should have done it in the first place.” She can’t help but concede, but to be fair on her own part, she’s sure that the Kendall’s have some offshore bank account not quite in their name that they could work with. She chooses not to mention that right now, and with look she exchanges with Michael, neither does he.

“Okay.” Maddie breathes deeply. “Let’s do it.”

~

“Thanks, Ali.” She tells her with a small smile.

Ali grins back as she takes the USB. “What are friend for, right?”

“Well technically you work for me.” Shannon quips back, and she’s not sure where this comes from, only that it’s been a hell of a few days, and teasing- _flirting_ just feels like something more than being afraid. And she likes Ali, she’s nice and beautiful, and fun.

“Technically I work for Michael, but I get your point.” She winks. “I’ll have this on the five o’clock in no time.”

“The sooner the better.”

Ali nods as she walks closer to her desk. “And then maybe after everything settles down, when Eddie is back on his feet, we could have a drink. Catch up.”

Her heart flutters a little as a smile forms on her lips, unhelped. “Yeah, I’d like that.” She laughs a little as Ali smiles wider and saunters off, hair blowing in her wake.

She picks up her phone and dials Michael’s quickly. “Hey, I’m at the office and Ali’s on it. How’s things on your end with Athena?”

“ _Already done, but-”_ And the way Michael falters, so does she. Eddie was doing better, has been doing better. They say he’s out of danger and it’s just a healing process now, a long one, but a healing process all the same as soon as he wakes up, so what happened? A setback? What?

“What is it? Is Eddie okay?”

“ _It’s not Eddie, Shan, it’s Buck._ ”

“What do you mean?” Now he’s confused but no less frightened. If the Kendall’s have already moved in again… But that wouldn’t make sense because the prison is on lock down. No one is allowed out of their cells.

“ _He was found this morning hanging from his cell. Don’t worry, he’s alive!_ ” Her heart falls and picks up sound all in one fellow swoop. The anxiety crawling on her skin like ants.

“What the hell, Michael! You could have led with that! Is he okay?” She sounds calm to her own ears, but it’s a great deal more calmer than she feels. What the hell is Buck thinking? Now of all times? When Eddie needs him the most? When the retrial starts up in a few weeks?

“ _It wasn’t too serious. They’re not even transferring him from the prison’s infirmary to a hospital, but he was alone in there, Shan. The security footage was already sent over. It was him, he did this himself. I’m going to go over and talk to him. Maddie’s trying to, but they’re still not letting any visitors in._ ”

“No, wait.” She puts her hand up even though he can’t see it. “I’ll go.”

“ _Are you sure?_ ”

“Yeah, I’ll go. And I’ll call you and Maddie later to tell you how it went. Until then, continue with this plan as is, or whatever.”

Michael chuckles a little and she tries to smile, but her heart is in her stomach now. Her mind racing in thoughts as she races to the prison. She’s not sure what she’s going to say to Buck, only that she needs him to listen. But she’s at a loss. According to Eddie before, he’d never do this to himself, and last time, it was because of an old cell mate named Red. But now he was alone, and he did do this and none of it makes sense. Eddie is alive. The retrial’s soon. There’s hope, so why did Buck do this? Did the Kendall’s get to him? Or did-

She thinks of the last time she saw him, his face lost, one that held no emotion. One that looked like he had been erased.

_Shit._

This time, she can’t hold back the sudden and unexpected tears that come.

~

“Eddie’s out of the worst of it.” She tells Buck first and foremost. His throat is bruised beyond compare and every time he breathes, it’s croaky. Harsh. But he doesn’t look at her and she doesn’t make him. “You know when I went to my mom’s because of her cancer, to stay with her, I didn’t come back after. I thought I was gone too long but that was just an excuse that I told myself and everyone else. The truth is, I was afraid. Watching my mom die, I was afraid of being a mom. It felt easier to just not be one at all.”

Buck’s eyes are teary as he looks away to the ceiling, white and prickly, and high.

“But there was another reason I stayed away.” She reaches for the cup by his bed side and puts the straw to his lips. He drinks, eyes wary on hers. Hers just looking, hoping to make him understand. “I’ve never told anyone this, but when my mom was going through the worst of it, I needed a break. I left her alone and went to the convenience store. The bathroom was out back and- and it just happened, you know?”

Tears are there and as she puts the cup back down, she wipes them away. She thought she shed them all on the way here. Guess not. In Buck’s own though, there’s terrible understanding.

“I thought it was my fault and that I deserved it, because I left Christopher and I left my mom alone. And- and I didn’t know how to reconcile with that. A week later I didn’t have to. The guy was found dead along the train tracks. OD’d. At the time I thought, ‘wow, that was too easy.’ I was angry that he didn’t suffer. Now I’m glad for the mercy. Not for him, but for myself. I didn’t understand then or even now how I would have been able to keep going knowing he was out there. Afraid all the time. I got some therapy after my mom died and I tried to get better because in all of it- I- I still had… I still had Christopher even though I left. I realized that I’d always be his mom, no matter what I did or what happened, that would never change so why be a shitty one, right?”

Buck looks on the verge of a full on breakdown and she’s quick to wipe his tears away as her own heart aches. “I won’t tell anyone. I can’t anyway. Lawyer-client privilege. But you’re retrial is in a few weeks and Eddie is still alive. And no matter what happens, you’ll always be Christopher’s Buck and Eddie’s. It depends on what kind of friend you want to be. I just have one question, the guy who did it, is he the one that’s dead?”

Buck clutches his jaw and nods his head, and it’s enough.

“Okay. Okay.” She reassures, then asks gently, “Can I hug you?”

Buck nods, almost desperately, unable to speak, and so she does. Hugging him tightly, him clutching to her, and they ride this wave out together. And in his hold, she can feel his sincerity. His will and strength, to keep fighting.

“It was my fault.” Buck says into her ear, and she’s ready to argue, but he’s speaking more, saying, “That Eddie got hurt. That you did.”

“It wasn’t though.” She tells him right back. “It was the Kendall’s and if you die, you’re just going to hurt us even more than those injuries ever would have. Don’t worry, we’ve got a plan, and this time by tomorrow they will be in handcuffs.”

She pulls away and Buck lets her. “Okay? So no more hanging sheets. They’re going to pay and you’ll be safe. We all will.”

“Do you really think I could get out of here?”

“I do.” She says and there’s no lie in it this time. “So why don’t you think of something that you want to do once we do.”

“See Eddie.” Is his instant reply, cheeks reddening. “And Jamie and Christopher.”

She laughs softly. “Other than that?”

Buck thinks for a second and then, something almost like a smile graces his features, but not quite. It’s too early and too soon to smile, but it’s close. Close enough, as he tells her, “I want to see the birds.”

~

“The Kendall’s have been arrested, Eddie. You and Buck are safe.” Shannon tells him as she sits by his bedside, a hand in his. “They’re done for. But Buck’s trial is starting soon, and he needs you. Christopher needs you. He’s waiting for you to wake up, we all are.”

She listens to whooshing of the breathing tube, of the heartbeat of his on the monitor. Outside there are clear skies. She’s been sitting here with him for weeks. The trial starts in two days. It would be really great if he could wake up. If he would.

It doesn’t happen now, but it does later when she’s drifted to sleep in the chair, head on his bed. In her arms as the warmth of Eddie’s hand stays in her own. Movements that make her jolt up and stare with bated breath as Eddie’s eyes open slowly, as his lips try to form a word around the tube that breathes for him. She wants to call the doctor, but first she tells him, “Buck’s fine. He’s fine.” It’s a lie, but Eddie doesn’t need to know that right now. Right now he just needs to wake up completely. “Buck and Christopher are both fine.”

“Doctor! Someone get the doctor! He’s waking up.”

~

“I bring this session of court to an open in the retrial of the case of the state of Pennsylvania v. Evan Buckley on the count of murder in the first degree. Counsellors, are you ready?” The judge asks.

The prosecutor smiles winningly and nods. “We are your honour.”

The judge turns to her and Michael, and Buck who stands tall, but in his eyes there’s a brokenness there. Something that might never get fixed. Or healed. Not completely. At least not while he’s still behind bars. But he’s here. He’s alive. They all are, and in that is some kind of hope. Hope to see Buck's birds, maybe.

She takes a deep breath and tells him, “We are your honour.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning: There is implied/referenced rape/non-con. It's explicitly in-explicitly stated. Buck also attempts suicide by hanging.  
> Thank you for all your support, I'm sad this is ending soon but it's been a fun if not slightly heart breaking journey. Thank you to everyone who has come along for it! See you in the next one! :)


	11. Eddie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How are you?” He says and it’s stiff, uncoordinated, almost uncertain.  
>  Buck smiles again, almost on the verge of laughter and his own heart flutters at the gesture. He mirrors the smile unconsciously. “How am I?” Buck repeats before his grin falters. “They’re offering me a deal, Eddie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of time skips in this one! Read carefully. Enjoy! :)

“So? Are you going to clear me for work or what?” He’s impatient that much is true, but no one can really blame him. He’s been out of commission for ten months, leaving Buck all alone in there. The last thing Eddie’s ever wanted. Sure, Chimney is still working there and keeping an eye on things, on him, but Eddie knows that with just one man it’s not so easy. And Buck… He still can’t fathom the truth of it all. What he tried to do.

“Eddie.” Shannon chides, her eyes on his with worry, concern, and not the least bit of irritability.

He takes a breath and nods. “Sorry, but I need to get back to work.” He looks to Dr. Richman who nods.

“I understand. According to your latest scans, everything is healing nicely and there has been no more dizziness? No more forgetting? No more nauseous?”

He shakes his head to all three despite how he felt all three this morning. But the doctor doesn’t need to know about that, and neither does Shannon. His only thought is of Buck, nearly nine months into his trial and stuck at Riot where a literal riot took place. Where he was injured and Buck- Buck who tried to kill himself. It hurts, like nothing before. He’s been writing letters to him, and Shannon has been giving them to him, but he has yet to respond. All Eddie gets is his silence, and that hurts more than any noise or yelling.

He didn’t protect Buck, like he promised. The only thing keeping him going is his son’s visits and Shannon’s assurances that the trial is going well. That Buck might be able to go home soon, but where is home? With Maddie most likely, but being laid up in bed, he’s had a lot of time to think it. About the future, and about Buck. If Buck can forgive him for not being enough that day, then maybe when he gets out he’d want to come live with him. He and Christopher have a spare room, it’s just gather dust and- and seeing Buck everyday… There’s a horrible ache in his chest when he thinks of not doing that. Of Buck not being there.

“Okay… I’m going to write your release for work, but only on a few conditions.” Dr. Richman says, brown eyes boring into his own. “If you feel any of those symptoms you come back here immediately. Do you understand?”

He feels the need to say that he’s not a child but before he can, Shannon answers for him with, “He will. Thanks doctor.”

“Yeah, thanks.” He echoes as the doctor nods and leaves.

As soon as he’s gone, Shannon punches his arm stiffly. “Ow, what the fuck, Shan?” He looks to her and she raises her eyebrows, hand on her hip.

“You were lying.” She says plainly, but she doesn’t sound angry about it, which is different.

“I’m fine.” And that’s not a lie. It only happens in the morning, a few moments where he has the terrifying thought of, ‘ _Who the hell am I?_ ’ But it passes and fades quickly enough, and Buck needs him. He can’t think about the fear of one day waking up and forgetting completely, and he can’t be put on the bench after what happened. After what he let happen.

“You need to take better care of yourself.” She tells him. “If not for you then for Christopher, and Buck.”

“What does it matter? I let this happen to him, and now he- I just don’t understand why he’d try something like that, Shan. He’s never do that. Not to Maddie or Jamie, or Christopher, not to…”

“To you.” She finishes for him, a hand on his arm that burns. It’s then that he realizes how angry he is. At Buck. For doing that and almost leaving- But also at himself. If he was strong enough maybe Jacey would be alive, that other guy too. It’s pretty obvious as to why in fact that Buck did what he did, but he refuses to believe it. That Buck would kill either of them or feel enough guilt to- It just doesn’t make any sense. What’s equally as frustrating is the way Shannon is obviously keeping things from him. Lawyer-client privilege, sure, but it’s still frustrating. Anger inducing.

“Look, Eddie, I shouldn’t be doing this, but if you come to the courtroom today, I can sneak you in.” She tells him.

He smiles a little, confused. “Shannon I’ve been there every day, since I got discharged.”

“I know, but you haven’t talked to Buck. I can give you a few moments alone, if you want them. And I think you should because-” She cuts herself off and Eddie is left with that same weight of dread hanging in his stomach.

“Because why? What’s going? I thought the trial was going good.”

“It is, but Eddie…” She shakes her head. “After Doug Senior killed himself, and the facts of their drug trade have come to light, the DA’s office is looking to put this to bed. Quickly.”

“You mean bury it?” He wants to laugh, but really he shouldn’t have expected this. By Shannon’s sorry features, she already did though.

“I mean, get it out of the public eye so yeah, burry it. Buck’s trial though is an obstacle.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying I can’t say anything, but Buck can. Or maybe even Maddie. Have you talked to her at all at least?” Shannon tries.

Now, he looks away, ashamed. She’s called, but he hasn’t picked up. He knows that he should, but this guilt tugs and tears, and whatever made Buck do what he did, or try to do… It feels like it was maybe his fault somehow. Like whatever happened in that laundry room, if he was only strong enough, fast enough- If- If-

“Come through the side entrance, Michael will bring you to our war room and then we’ll give you a few minutes with Buck. I can’t give you too much time, but… But if- if anyone can change-” She stops herself again, and Eddie’s fingers curl into a tight fist.

He’s getting a pretty clear picture of what’s going on. “I’ll be there.” He promises. “Just- Just make sure that he doesn’t do anything stupid until I do.”

Shannon laughs, like the idea of anyone stopping Buck from doing something stupid is hilarious, and Eddie has to smile too, because that’s pretty much the truth. No matter how much Buck seems… Faded, from the glimpses he’s had in the courtroom, he knows that he’s still in there, somewhere. Changed or not, he’s still Buck. Still his _idiota._

_“It’s okay, Eddie… I’ve got you.”_

~

Neither one of them speaks first. They stand across from the other, his own arms folded across his chest, and Buck’s uselessly at his side. There was a light in Buck’s eyes when he first saw him, Eddie knows that he didn’t make that part up. A small soft smile that faded as soon as it arrived. It was so close to being real that he almost wants to walk up and pick Buck’s lips up with his fingers, make him smile all over again. Because when he does, he makes the whole world shine a little brighter too.

“Hey.” Eventually Buck speaks first and Eddie smiles despite himself. Despite the anger and uncertainty, and the hurt that Buck’s silence has enforced on himself. What Buck tried to do.

He nods to himself and slips his eyes shut for just a moment. A distant voice of Hen or maybe Bobby saying, ‘c _ommunication is the key._ ’ It was about Ana before, and about Shannon before that. Now it’s about Buck, and he can’t help but feel like it’s always been about Buck. As thought Buck’s always been with him. He can hardly remember a time before. His world was so small, now it’s big and there’s so much… _Possibility._ If only Buck would believe. Believe that they could be happy.

“How are you?” He says and it’s stiff, uncoordinated, almost uncertain.

Buck smiles again, almost on the verge of laughter and his own heart flutters at the gesture. He mirrors the smile unconsciously. “How am I?” Buck repeats before his grin falters. “They’re offering me a deal, Eddie.” And he’s not sure who is more shocked that Buck is speaking so openly so quickly, himself or Buck. But Buck is. A flicker of surprise in his eyes before he continues as though it’s the most normal thing in the world. As though they haven’t had a wall of silence between them for almost a year. “I plead guilty to second degree manslaughter and serve ten years, after that I’m on parole for five… Shannon’s trying to get it down because I was a minor. No parole, and no possibility of more time if I’m not ‘good.’ Just ten years, and with time served, I’d be out in four.”

Eddie stares, his mind moving a million miles per second. But Buck doesn’t give him a chance to process it, he just comes closer, eyes excited and terrified, and pleading, and very- very broken. There are tears here as Buck says almost desperate for himself to understand, “I could get out, Eddie, and this can all be over.”

“Buck…” He whispers, almost numb. “That’s still four more years.”

“I don’t care. It would be over and- and no one would have to get hurt anymore, Eddie. We’d be safe- you’d be safe.”

“I’m fine, Buck, it’s you I’m worried about!”

And suddenly there’s a hand across the back of his head, where his hair has grown back funny, a ragged scar that Buck’s fingers slip over oh so gently, carefully. His clear blue eyes staring into his own. He tries not to flinch away.

“You can’t do four more years.” He’s pleading now. He doesn’t want Buck to take this deal. They still have a trial and jury in their favour. He could get off completely. Buck could go home. He could bring him home.

Buck smiles wickedly, so close that he can taste his breath, and says almost daringly, stubbornly and nothing like the faded canvas he saw in that courtroom, “Watch me.”

And before he can stop himself, or even think, his hands touching grip onto Buck’s shirt. A nice white collar shirt that shows the picture of innocence, and he pulls him in. His lips crashing into his own, all heated and warm, and _real_. And Buck’s hand is on the back of his neck, on his shirt, clutching and holding on as he first yelps in surprise, and then melts into it, moaning softly against the other.

When they pull away too soon, Buck’s forehead presses into his own and they’re breathing heavily into the other, savouring this moment. Their hearts beating almost simultaneously, his hands stay on Buck’s skin, soaking in everything that he is. All the bad, good, and ugly, and Buck? Buck does the same.

And he wants to kiss him again, he never wants to stop. But they’re in a courtroom in the middle of a murder trial. And Buck may not be in handcuffs now, but he’s still locked away, trapped. Imprisoned. Not free.

“I know it’s selfish, to ask, but will you wait for me?” And then Buck’s eyes are open and wet, and on him, and it’s no sacrifice to nod and say, “As long as it takes.”

When Shannon comes back and walks him back to the public area she says almost annoyed, “You were supposed to talk him out of it.”

He wants to say that he tried, or that he’s angry about it too, but his head is light and he’s buzzing with energy. And strangely, very content. “It’s his life.” He ends up saying, and he’s surprised by how much he means his next words. “It’s his choice what he wants to do. Nothing is certain in a trial. Buck knows that better than most people.” _He doesn’t want to take risks anymore._ Buck’s changed. He’s changed. Five years ago, he would have yelled and argued, and he wouldn’t accept Buck’s decision. Five years ago, Buck wouldn’t have made it.

Shannon bites her lip and concedes slightly.

“Just-” He starts. “Just make sure that it’s only the four years. No parole. No possibility of more.”

_Four years._ They can do that, can’t they?

~

They don’t talk about the suicide attempt, or the kiss. It hangs in the air between them both, but Buck doesn’t bring it up, and truth be told, he’s afraid to. He still brings Buck books, and food, and they talk about anything but the bars around them. About the empty bed in Buck’s cell, or the body bags in the morgue, figuratively speaking. All the men who died that day or gone and buried, but their memories remain. The fact that a riot took place to take Buck’s life and instead took all theirs… That’s something else that they don’t talk about.

“You know, someone once told me that communication is key.” He ends up saying one day.

And Buck looks up, eyebrows furrowed before he replies with a smile and, “What did communication ever get in a place like this?”

Eddie can’t find it within himself to argue. He wears his prison guard uniform and Buck wear’s his prison jumpsuit, and they stand on opposite sides of a cell. They talk and sometimes their hands linger in touch, but nothing happens and nothing can. This world is still dangerous, and the Kendall’s danger may have passed, but Eddie will be dammed if he lets anything else happen to Buck.

_“…Will you wait for me?”_

“Want to hear about the game?”

Buck smiles. “Yeah, sure, what happened? Did Milton fail to pass again?”

Eddie laughs. “Yeah, something like that.”

At home he pulls Christopher to the side and asks the question, “How would you feel if Buck comes and lives with us? When he gets out?”

Christopher knows Buck is in prison, at first he just thought it was a pen pal, a friend from work, but then with the case and Shannon, he found out the truth. It was a difficult conversation to have, but a necessary one, and his son, the best kid out there believed Buck without question. Still does. Still writes.

He smiles now, big and wide, “Really?”

“If you’re okay with it. You can say no, I won’t be mad, neither will Buck.” There’s a spare bedroom that they’ve never really used before, it’s just been gathering dust.

“D- Dad, I- I want him t- to.” All of sixteen and in high school, and growing up, and Eddie is at a loss of when exactly that happened. “We- We should ask m- mom to help dec- decorate.”

“What? Are you saying I can’t decorate?”

“Or c- cook.”

He can’t argue with that so he only shakes his head, but he’s not really mad or annoyed, instead he’s overjoyed. In the end it’s Buck’s choice where he goes, Maddie has a spare room for him by hers and Jamie’s, but Chimney has been talking about moving in with them, and Maddie has been sick lately. But only in the morning. It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together. And Buck doesn’t deserve to be on anyone’s couch. He deserves his own room and space, and importantly, the ability to choose.

A few months later he brings it up and Maddie smiles from ear to ear, sadly all the same as her hand wraps around her growing stomach. “You’d do that for him?”

“He’s always welcome with us.” It’s not even a question.

More months go by, and then a year, and there’s books piling up in Buck’s cell. There’s a room in his house with a bed and sky blue curtains waiting to be used. Christopher is thinking about college, and Shannon has moved up, no longer an associate but an equal to Michael, at least for now. He’s got partner in the bag, according to Athena and Bobby. Shannon is with a woman named Ali, and they take Christopher out to the park and to the movies, and Christopher stays with Shannon more and more lately, until it feels like he’s got his mom back, truly.

It’s been two years and Buck has bad days, staring up at a moldy ceiling. Eddie wants nothing more than to touch him, hold his hand, or hold him. Kiss him until he’s breathless and alive. Stroke along his back warmly, love him. Fuck into him slowly until he’s taken a part bit by bit. Hold hands over popcorn and movie. Do all these things. Be normal. But…

But he’s a guard in uniform and he stays on the other side of Buck’s cell, telling him about Christopher and the game last night, and hoping desperately that it makes a difference. That it means something, more.

“There’s a room for you, at home. Maddie’s place is a little crowded with Rosie now.” He tells him. “Shannon helped me pick out the curtains, blue.” _Like your eyes, like the skies where the birds fly and you watch them. I know, because I watch you. Always, mi querida._

Unexpected tears fill up in Buck’s eyes and his chest tightens. He steps forward a little, but a prisoner walks by and he’s forced to take another back. “Buck?” He asks, his breath in his throat.

Buck smiles, and looks his way, away from the mold. “I- I like blue curtains. Is Christopher okay with it?”

“He’s very excited to have you there. He just hopes that you can cook.”

Buck laughs. “I’m not sure. When I was a kid at home, my parents weren’t around so it was mostly ordering in for me.”

Eddie can’t help but laugh to as Buck slowly sits up, dark circles under his eyes but a shine in them all the same. “How was the game?”

Days like these are hard, but there are days where they laugh and nothing hurts. Days where the world seems not so far away, and the future so close they can taste it. Three years go by and Christopher’s got an application to every college in the city, and even beyond. But he’s sure that he’s going to stay here. He needs a little extra help, but he’ll get there, him and Shannon are sure of it.

“Enjoying the fresh air?” He asks Buck as he walks up beside him. Buck who sits on a bench and stares out beyond the fence, eyes icy.

“It’s cold.” He replies. “Can’t even feel my fingers.”

He wiggles them in front of his face and Eddie resists the urge to reach out and cover them with his own. “Put them in your pocket then.” And his voice breaks a little because he can’t- he can’t even hold Buck’s hand. If someone saw…

Buck frowns a little but does, before his eyes look up and his being smiles as the birds fly along in their migration path. “Look at that, Eddie. I wonder what kind they are.”

Eddie watches them too. He watches Buck watch them, and gets an idea. That night he’s at the bookstore getting every book on birds he can, and in the next year, leading into four, Buck studies them. Learns about all the different types of birds there are, the kind here and there, and his birds too.

And when Eddie talks to Shannon who laughs a little says, “Buck mentioned wanting to see the birds too. When he got out, after seeing Christopher and Jamie of course, now Rosie.” It gives him an idea. He’s reminded of the three of them feeding the ducks. Bread pieces here and there, the birds of all kinds flocking to see and eat, as soon as they got used to them.

“You’ve got that look in your eye.” She says, her own eyes narrowing.

“What look?” He smiles.

“The Diaz idea look. Christopher’s the same.”

He doesn’t tell her, instead asks if she wants another cup of tea. Some things are his own, _their own._

It’s six months until Buck’s release date when Bobby corners him and tells him that the offer of Chimney being a probation firefighter from a year ago is open now, to him. “If you want a change.” Bobby tells him. Like Chimney did. He left Riot and never looked back, and with Buck more or less safe, no incidents in almost four years, no one said anything against it. He didn’t either, but he was angry, almost offended on Buck’s behalf. But Buck only smiled and said, ‘I can’t expect him to wait for me to get out of here. He needs to live his life for Maddie and their kids.’ And Eddie understood then, that Buck is his life, just as much as Christopher. His future. He didn’t tell Buck this, but he couldn’t see the next few years and everything after, without him. It just doesn’t seem right. And he knows that it never will.

He tells Bobby, “I’ll think about it.”

~

His car is parked outside, right by the gate that separates this world from the whole world. He changes and meets Buck who’s given his clothing, a wallet and some keys that probably don’t work on anything anymore. Buck’s movements are slow and strange, his face pale. He’s shaking a little, and Eddie wants nothing more than to touch him, bring him close, but it’s been four years. He’s almost afraid to.

“Ready?” He asks instead.

And Buck half smiles, almost scoffing. “Are you kidding? I was born ready.” But his voice is filled with false bravado, it falls empty and flat, and Eddie hates that.

“I’m right here, Buck.” He reminds him as he steps a little closer. “I’ve got you.”

Buck’s terrified blue eyes meet his, and it takes him a long moment before he nods. Eddie takes the give and comes closer, slowly until he can wrap an arm around Buck, as though to hold him up, and in a way he is as they walk out. Through all the gates and doors, each new buzz making Buck flinch a little more. He pushes into him, small and papery thin. But when they step out the front door in the sunshine and new skin, Buck stands up taller, more firm. Eyes squinting up at the sun, he stares in almost awe. As though he’s never been outside before.

“Come on, my car’s out front.”

“What about your shift?” Buck asks as they walk closer to that final gate, and the closer they get the more Buck seems at war with himself. As though all of him both equally wants to run for freedom and give it all up.

“I quit.” He says simply with a shrug. He told Buck about the job offer from Bobby, about the new start but he never said he’d take it. In the end it was almost impulsive, and after it was done he had the distinct feeling that maybe Buck has rubbed off on him, because he always does the sure thing. The safe thing, but now he’s quit and can’t imagine his life without the man next to him.

“You did?”

He smiles. “I’m walking out with you, Buck.”

They’re so close, it’s terrifying, but then there’s a final buzz and the last gate opens, and Buck startles. He himself doesn’t move, instead he waits, and like some kind of miracle, Buck moves away from his side. He walks those last steps alone. It’s his own privilege to bear witness as Buck steps into the whole world, away from this one. Eyes slipping shut and Buck just _breathes_. He breathes like he’s never done before.

And Eddie wonders how the hell they got here. His heart beats faster, breathless at Buck. At his beauty and strength. As he walks forward and joins him just as Buck’s eyes open and his smile comes back.

“Come on Buck,” He tells him, “Let’s go home.”

Buck’s smile breaks out even more and just like a little kid says, “Race you to the car!”

Eddie runs after him, his heart more lighter than it’s ever been and a laugh that’s more real too.

On the open road, rolling hills beside them both, Buck rolls down his window and sticks his head out, like come big golden retriever. He waves his hands into the air and yells, and screams, and is _alive._

_Free._


	12. Epilogue - Buck

“Where are we?” He asks, as Eddie only smiles and shrugs. None of this feels real yet, but they’re in some fields along a pond that’s quite beautiful. Eddie has a bag with something, all very suspicious if you ask him. “Come out to murder me or what? It’s very creepy, Eddie.”

He’s putting on a face, he knows that, but Eddie looks so happy, and he doesn’t want to ruin that with his broken edges that cut and bleed, and do not heal.

“Shut up and come on.” Is the only response he gets before they’re both running down into the long grass up to their waists, the cold air seeping through. The skies above, grey and blue, and beautiful.

When they get down to the pond, Eddie reaches into the bag and pulls out a good chunk of bread. He’s more confused than ever as Eddie hands him one and says, “Follow my lead.”

Buck watches as Eddie picks of chunks and throws them down below near the water. It seems silly really, until out of nowhere a bird swoops down and steals it. Coming out of nowhere, it shocks him, startles his heart into some kind of feeling, something like wonder. And he does follow Eddie’s lead. He picks off his own chunks of bread and throws them, one after the other until suddenly there are birds everywhere, and there are tears in his eyes because there are birds. There are birds in front of him and they are- and he is-

_Free._

He’s crying, big fat rolling tears and everything caves in, and there no cages anymore. Because he has finally… Grown wings. 

“You- You took m- me to see the birds.” He says through tears as the birds surround them both, until they’re all the same, and they are.

Eddie looks worried about the tears but it’s okay because he has his own as he nods. “Yeah, of course I did, Buck. Next time we’ll bring Jamie and Christopher, and maybe even Rosie, they’d love it here.” Eddie looks a little lost too, and he feels the same.

They’re in a field under a sky, and there are birds. His heart pounds and tears, and breaks, and mends, and the whole world is before him- them. He has wings and he is flying _free._ And Eddie is smiling and they’re crying, and the world just might, after all, be more than cruel.

Arching an eyebrow, a teasing smirk on his lips, he says, “Kiss me?”

And Eddie blushes, and he laughs, and somewhere in it all, they find a future that they will both have. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know where to begin! I never thought this fic would get so long or be this angsty, but it did and now here we are. At the end. Thank you for all your support and especially to those who left such wonderful comments. It means the world to me. And now Buck is free! :)  
> I didn't address a lot of Buck's trauma at the end, because he's repressed most of it, and also maybe one day I might write a sequel to this, about Buck adjusting to the outside world and figuring out his life, while also building his relationship with Eddie. But we'll see, I can't make any promises to that one.   
> But once again, thank you to everyone who's followed me along this journey and for your support, it's been fun. :)


End file.
